Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Miscarriage Part 5

So I'm back in work and feeling much better, the bleeding had pretty much stopped then all of sudden I nip to the loo and feel this big gush. I though nothing of it really but then it happend again and then again, each time totally soaking through a pad. I begin to worry that I've not seen the last of Ward X after all, but pray that I just stop bleeding. I start to stress a little but the shop is full of customers and I can't really stop to worry about things. At 4 o'clock I give up and ring Ward X who say to come straight in. I close the shop and head off to meet OH, we have to get a train home to get to the car, which we park at the station. By the time I'm at the station blood is soaking down my legs, I'm thankful for the black jeans I'm wearing. I try too look calm and unconcerned on the train and fail miserably, I try and sit on my coat as I'm worried about the poor bugger who cleans the train. We jump off at our station and I dont look back at the seat. We race back to good old Ward X. This time we don't have such a long wait which I'm gobsmacked about. Blood is pouring out of me onto the floor as I'm trying to get undressed for an examination, I'm apologising and crying. The nurse is sympathetic and calms me down, I'm so so grateful to her for being nice to me, she's the first person in a hospital who has been so. The few word of kindness she says mean so much and I wish more nurses could have been like her. I wonder later wether she knows the difference she makes and wether she notices that she's the only one. I'm examined which is really painful and am told that there is something left in the womb dispite the ultrasound telling me otherwise. I sit up and suddenly feel like i'm going to pass out and throw up, everything starts going black and they lay me down.

I'm admitted to the ward and hooked up to a saline drip, i'm told I'm going to need an emergency D&C and that they will fit me in as soon as possible and that I can't eat or drink anything. By now I feel so terrible that I don't care. Hours go by and I'm not bleeding so badly anymore, the evening comes and I'm told that someone else who is more of an emergency has come in and had the last surgery of the day. I'm dying to drink something and the nurses don't change the saline after it runs out unless I go out and find someone to change it. I can't sleep as I'm so thirsty. In the morning I'm offered tea and toast and water, 3 times each time telling them I'm still nil by mouth, by then it's been yesterday lunchtime since I ate or drank anything, I've never seen stewed tea and cardboard toast look so damn nice. Hours go by and everyone else is eating a delicious looking lunch and sipping iced water...bastards!

An older lady is admitted onto the ward who speaks no english, her daughters are with her. From the moment this entourage enter the ward all three of them are on mobile phones, gabbling in a forieign language loudly. They've brought an entire indian takeaway too, complete with several bottles of pop with them for mother to snack on. I've not eaten or drank for more than 24 hours, which makes me want to frankly strangle them all. I try and rest but the daughters are making a huge fuss that no one has seen their mother yet, I learn that the eldest daughter is a staff nurse and that her mother is suffering from heavy periods and that her blood count is 9, I've no idea what that means. She rings her mothers GP practice and says they have nearly killed her. The mother is pacing up and down with a onion bajee in one hand and a mobile phone in the other, still talking and looks a picture of health. I wonder how they can afford the mobile phone bills. Visiting times comes and OH arrives and tells me the kids are ok but everyone is worried. He's booted out and promptly at the end of visiting hours. I think about complaining as the trio have been on the ward all day disturbing everyone and have not been asked to leave once, but i'm too tired to even bother.

Evening meal comes and I don't even look up to see what everyone is eating, it smells like it has gravy with it, I feel like I'm going to punch someone if they forget and offer me it, luckily they don't. Finally about 8pm I'm wheeled down to surgery. I'm waiting in the corridor as there is the enevitable delay. The rather handsome anesthetist chats with me casually as we wait to go in, the first person I've met in a hospital who actually talks to me like a normal person. He asks me what I do and I tell him about my shop, he tells me that his girlfriend is training to be a midwife and will be on pretty good money once she qualifies, I say I've always wanted to be a midwife. He says I should go for it. I tell him I sell maquerade masks, he tells me how he's getting wined and dined by a company who sell a new type of mask for the theatre, he's already going to buy them but they don't know that so he's enjoying getting treated, they have a premier football box that he's currently borrowing, sounds pretty good to me. He reminds me that I should have blast on my asthma pump before we go in and assures me he's going to make sure I'm ok. Suddenly we are on the move again through double doors which suddenly feel like the gateway to hell. It looks like a TV set from some kind of medical drama with a giant light above the table. Suddenly I remember what they are going to do once I'm asleep and don't like the sound of it at all. I'm overcome with nerves and wish OH was here, the nurse holds my hand tight and tells me I'm going to be ok and I'm really grateful for her being so nice. They pop something in my hand and next second I wake up again. Very freaky...I had no sense of being asleep or time having gone by, I'm impressed that I don't feel sick and impressed with all the nice staff who seem to come from a different planet to the nurses back on the ward. I'm wheeled back on the ward and actually manage to get some sleep.

First thing in the morning the stewed tea, cardboard toast and iced water was mine at last and damn it actually all tasted wonderful after more that 36 hours without food or water. I got OH to come get me out asap and we went out for a huge carvery lunch, which really was just what the doctor ordered. Then back home to my own comfy bed..bliss.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Miscarriage Part 4

So after another few days not being able to leave the sofa, and wondering just why I feel so bad.. I'm pretty sure most people dont feel all this flu type stuff when they are miscarrying, or at least thats what the internet seems to say. Finally I start having some pains and I am actually glad that it may all be over at last. I am shocked that they are as exactly the same as labour pains. I ring poor OH who has to come home from work once again, I ring Ward X and am glad at least that I know the routine this time. I'm bleeding badly now with some nasty huge clots coming out and we rush to the hospital, with me laying on the back puffing away to cope with the contractions. I cant help but think how much this sucks to have to do this and not get a baby at the end of it.
We get to the wonderful "emergency" Ward X and prepare for the long wait. I'm in agony now and am not getting hardly any break between the pains, I kneel on one of the chairs, holding onto the high back rocking my hips just as I did when I was having the last baby, it seems to help a bit. Eventually we get see by the Dr who examines me and says that this time it's an ineviable miscarriage (no shit sherlock!) I ask how long it might be and how much more this may hurt. He says that it may be as long and as bad as a full term labour..great!
The nurses then tell me that they will have to admit me and OH will have to go home. I really really will go to pieces without OH with me and can't face being on my own. I ask if it's safe for me to go home and they advise as I'm bleeding pretty bad it would be better to stay in. One nurse suggests that we could stay in the waiting room for a while as it's quiet and then OH wont be sent away. We go back to the waiting room and OH is actually making me laugh with his silly jokes, I'm clinging to him like my life depends on it I'm so grateful he's there with me. It all seems very surreal, standing in disposable knickers in the waiting room at 2am, watching Rick Stein on the telly in the corner. It's all pretty gross although I'm not in any pain anymore and I'm catching vast amounts of huge clots in a bed pan that I've fished out of a cupboard, no one tells me what I should be doing and I dont want to make a huge mess everywhere so I guess it's ok. I'm running out of sanitary towels of which I'm having to battle to get them to give me...jeez am I supposed to be just bleeding onto the floor? I'm expecting to see "something" at some point but nothing happens so I'm expecting it to get worse again but nothing really happens. Eventually the new set of staff come on in the morning and are insistant that I have to be admitted and that OH will have to go. I'm really tired by now and figure I'll have a bit of sleep then go home.
I manage about 30 mins sleep on the ward before a nurse bursts into the ward and starts opening all the curtains and starting all the morning routines, so much for the sleep theory. A nice student nurse comes around and takes my temperature and blood pressure. I then have a lovely breakfast of stewed tea and carboard toast but appreicate it anyway. At 10am I'm told I'm going to have a scan, I get dressed and get taken through the hospital with a fellow ward mate down to the antenatal clinic. The other lady gets taken through with her husband. I'm left in the waiting room, with all the other pregnant women coming for thier routine scans. This is all too much for me, the unfairness of it all hits me full on..why are all these other women getting to keep their babies, why am I sitting here with no OH with a dead baby inside me. I burst into tears and sit there sobbing alone in the corner, with everyone in the clinic staring at me. I'm eventually taken into a private room next door to the clinic and given a tissue. I wonder why they couldnt have just thought of putting me in the in the first place. I get taken through still sobbing into the scanning room and there is nothing left of the baby, which I'm confused about as nothing but clots came out. I'm relieved to know as it's all over though. I stumble back to the ward barely able to see for tears. I want OH with me now so badly and my phone is out of batteries and I've got no money. I stuff my things into my handbag and go to leave and realise I've no way of getting home. I sit on the floor in the corridor sobbing, none of the nurses ask me if I'm ok or if I need any help. Eventually I pull myself together and ask if there is a phone I could possibly borrow to call OH so he can pick me up as I've got no money and my phone is dead, they let me use the reception phone and I am eternally grateful for this small mercy. I leave hoping I never ever see this hell hole again.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Miscarriage Part 2

o after spending nearly 3 weeks flat out on the sofa feeling like death warmed up I finally start bleeding.....didn't come as a suprise really. I've got a scan booked privately tommorow and hope it's going to be ok to cancel it, I already know the outcome and don't need to pay a £100 to find out anymore. I call OH and tell him what's happening and can he come home. I grab my maternity notes and wonder who I should call. First I call my midwife but no one picks up. Any problems, call the labour ward the midwife had said, so I try there. I speak to a stressed sounding midwife who is like, look I have no idea but you should'nt be ringing here. I'm now in tears as I've no idea what to do next and don't really want to be dealing with this shit right now. I try ringing the main hospital desk to see if I can find out who it is I should be ringing. They say they are not sure but to try another hospital with a gyne ward which is a few miles away. I ring the other hospital and finally get to speak to a nurse on the emergency gyne ward who tells me to come in.

We make our sad and sorry way to this other hospital and negotiate the terrible car park which cost a fortune and only has spaces as far away as is humanly possible. We try and negotiate where we need to go to find Ward X but there is no one around, eventually we find Ward X and the doors are locked. Great, no staff around, locked doors, no signs telling you how to get in nothing, we try knocking on the door. After 10 mins, sitting outside the doors happily bleeding away an orderly passes and we ask how we get in. "You need to ring the buzzer" he says pointing to a tiny button located on the bottom of a thing that looks to me like a fire alarm, amongst a whole load of other wall mounted boxes with buttons on...well of course, silly us! Why not put a simple sign saying please ring the buzzer, with a helpful arrow maybe!

We ring the bell and after a few buzzes some one finally lets us in. We are shown into a waiting room with signs saying "Emergency Gyne Ward X" it's totally empty and we take a seat and wait, and wait...and wait. We can see the nurses having tea and laughing at the station and there is a telly in the corner with some rubbish on. If this is an "emergency" ward I'm wondering how long it takes in a non emergency ward.... After a few hours a nurse says the doctor is ready to see us. I have a quick examination and they say it's a "threatened" miscarriage. I say that I know the baby is gone and could they please just give me a scan so I can get on with things. They say there are no appointments available for a scan and as I'm booked in for one in two weeks that will be enough. While the doctor is saying all this, he's sitting on the chair of a bloody great scanning machine right behind him. I ponder upon what kind of emergency you need to be having for them to fire up that bad boy, obviously dead babies are not high enough on the list.