Saturday, 14 March 2009

Miscarriage Part 4

So after another few days not being able to leave the sofa, and wondering just why I feel so bad.. I'm pretty sure most people dont feel all this flu type stuff when they are miscarrying, or at least thats what the internet seems to say. Finally I start having some pains and I am actually glad that it may all be over at last. I am shocked that they are as exactly the same as labour pains. I ring poor OH who has to come home from work once again, I ring Ward X and am glad at least that I know the routine this time. I'm bleeding badly now with some nasty huge clots coming out and we rush to the hospital, with me laying on the back puffing away to cope with the contractions. I cant help but think how much this sucks to have to do this and not get a baby at the end of it.
We get to the wonderful "emergency" Ward X and prepare for the long wait. I'm in agony now and am not getting hardly any break between the pains, I kneel on one of the chairs, holding onto the high back rocking my hips just as I did when I was having the last baby, it seems to help a bit. Eventually we get see by the Dr who examines me and says that this time it's an ineviable miscarriage (no shit sherlock!) I ask how long it might be and how much more this may hurt. He says that it may be as long and as bad as a full term labour..great!
The nurses then tell me that they will have to admit me and OH will have to go home. I really really will go to pieces without OH with me and can't face being on my own. I ask if it's safe for me to go home and they advise as I'm bleeding pretty bad it would be better to stay in. One nurse suggests that we could stay in the waiting room for a while as it's quiet and then OH wont be sent away. We go back to the waiting room and OH is actually making me laugh with his silly jokes, I'm clinging to him like my life depends on it I'm so grateful he's there with me. It all seems very surreal, standing in disposable knickers in the waiting room at 2am, watching Rick Stein on the telly in the corner. It's all pretty gross although I'm not in any pain anymore and I'm catching vast amounts of huge clots in a bed pan that I've fished out of a cupboard, no one tells me what I should be doing and I dont want to make a huge mess everywhere so I guess it's ok. I'm running out of sanitary towels of which I'm having to battle to get them to give me...jeez am I supposed to be just bleeding onto the floor? I'm expecting to see "something" at some point but nothing happens so I'm expecting it to get worse again but nothing really happens. Eventually the new set of staff come on in the morning and are insistant that I have to be admitted and that OH will have to go. I'm really tired by now and figure I'll have a bit of sleep then go home.
I manage about 30 mins sleep on the ward before a nurse bursts into the ward and starts opening all the curtains and starting all the morning routines, so much for the sleep theory. A nice student nurse comes around and takes my temperature and blood pressure. I then have a lovely breakfast of stewed tea and carboard toast but appreicate it anyway. At 10am I'm told I'm going to have a scan, I get dressed and get taken through the hospital with a fellow ward mate down to the antenatal clinic. The other lady gets taken through with her husband. I'm left in the waiting room, with all the other pregnant women coming for thier routine scans. This is all too much for me, the unfairness of it all hits me full on..why are all these other women getting to keep their babies, why am I sitting here with no OH with a dead baby inside me. I burst into tears and sit there sobbing alone in the corner, with everyone in the clinic staring at me. I'm eventually taken into a private room next door to the clinic and given a tissue. I wonder why they couldnt have just thought of putting me in the in the first place. I get taken through still sobbing into the scanning room and there is nothing left of the baby, which I'm confused about as nothing but clots came out. I'm relieved to know as it's all over though. I stumble back to the ward barely able to see for tears. I want OH with me now so badly and my phone is out of batteries and I've got no money. I stuff my things into my handbag and go to leave and realise I've no way of getting home. I sit on the floor in the corridor sobbing, none of the nurses ask me if I'm ok or if I need any help. Eventually I pull myself together and ask if there is a phone I could possibly borrow to call OH so he can pick me up as I've got no money and my phone is dead, they let me use the reception phone and I am eternally grateful for this small mercy. I leave hoping I never ever see this hell hole again.

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