Friday, 4 September 2009

Shes Gone

Yesterday I did'nt think I felt Isabella move, I'd been really busy so I hoped maybe I just didnt notice. I looked up on google and there were loads of people saying that they hadn't felt their babies move and that it wasn't reliable before 26 weeks anyway and I felt a little reassured. This morning I had a hot drink and lay down in bed to see if I could get her to move, but nothing. I knew something was very very wrong. My belly was smaller and I could feel her outline with her head above my bellybutton far too clearly. I pushed her head and literally tried to shake her to see if I could get any kind of reaction. But there was nothing. I sobbed for an hour before I could pull myself together enough to ring the hospital.
I drove myself to the hospital without ringing anyone, my best friend called me in the car and I told her I'd be a bit late to meet her as I was just going to get checked out at the hospital. I'm probably being paranoid I told her and that I would see her in a little while. I was praying that I was wrong and paranoid and that I going to feel really stupid when there is nothing wrong. I arrived and they took me onto the labour ward, I could hear women in labour in the neighbouring rooms. The midwife asked me a few questions and got the doppler to check me, the silence was deafning. A week ago I'd had the doppler and they'd taken an age to find her heartbeat so I was still praying that there was some kind of mistake. Then they called the Dr who dragged a portable scanner in, he was very rough and jabbed me painfully with scanner. As soon as I saw the screen I knew my worst fears were confirmed, I could see there was no heartbeat. The Dr almost seemed angry with me. They sent me straight in for a scan with the hi tech main scanner as well, I'd only been in there 3 weeks before when everything was fine. They hit the button where they highlight the colours which is the heart pumping blood and it was all totally still. The tech said "I'm sorry but your baby has passed away" After that it was all a bit of a blur, I needed to call OH but his phone was switched off. I kept pressing buttons on my phone but I could barely see through the tears. I called his parents and they said they would try and call his work but the security wouldn't let his Dad have any information. His Dad came to the hospital and talked total bollocks to me about everyday stuff and I just sat there blankly. The student midwife took my husbands number and kept trying it. Eventually it was on and he picked up said he was on his way straight away. Some stuff was said about induction and that I would need to take a tablet then come back on Sunday. First that I would be coming back here on a special separate ward and then that I would have to go to heartlands as some other lucky lady was booked in there already. A student midwife made me toast and tea, which I could barely eat for shaking so much with shock. When OH finally arrived we just held each other and sobbed. Then we had to leave ..just go home..with a dead child inside me ..I couldn't fathom it. The student midwife had tears in her eyes as she let us out of the maternity unit.

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