Sunday, 27 September 2009

Arrogance and Counting Chickens

Do you know what, only a few weeks ago I was worrying about how I would get my home birth as the midwives didnt seem too keen. I worried wether to call a stupid midwife at all. I worried about birth pool water temperature and which birth pool to buy. I worried that labour would be painful, I worried that things wouldn't go the way I wanted it. I worried about how we would afford this baby, where we would put the baby, how I would get time off work. I worried about which cotton nappies and slings to buy and how to deal with going back to sleepless night. Such innocence, how arrogant I was, my total foolish assumption that I would certainly be having a baby and that clearly I was better at this than everyone else...pride before the fall, counting chickens, aim high what's the worst that could happen? indeed ho ho!

I remember only a few weeks before coming across a blog a wonderful blog from someone who I remembered from waaaaay back when my 2nd was born, she made lovely cotton nappies and I put a link from my website to hers. Her full term baby had unexpectedly passed away, I was shocked and actually cried, it was just so sad. But it never crossed my mind for one second, not for a fleeting moment even, that I would not be having my baby either.

Funny how things change. I would'nt care where or how, stick drips and drugs in me please, slice me without anesthetic again, stich me with no pain relief again, induce me, c-section me, leave me without food or water for 36 hours again, be a complete bitch to me, I can take it, I really don't give a fuck anymore, just let my baby be ok.......

*sigh* I suppose this is the bargaining grief stage then?

1 comment:

  1. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I don't think anyone thinks about their baby dying until is has happene to them. It is such an awful place to be in and again I am so sorry for your loss. Hoping you find some peace and comfort. xx