Thursday, 5 November 2009

I Don't Want To Go To My Own Party

My engagement party is this Saturday, arranged by my lovely mother-in-law. It's wonderful and she's gone to lots of effort inviting people and is going to be making all the food and everything. My mum is coming up from Wales and bringing one of her wonderful cakes for us. I should be looking forward to this. However this is going to be the first time alot of the family will have seen me since I lost Bella, so there will be lots of "I'm so sorry" type things which always upsets me. There will be OH's cousins wife, who's baby is due the same time Bella was due and I just know that seeing her is going to be like a stab in the heart, I hate even hearing all her happy preggers Facebook posts.
There is also OH's other cousin who has just had a new baby. She's the girl I love to hate. She's "the most popular girl in school type" she's skinny, attractive, has a great job, perfect "show home" house, perfect husband, is always lucky and is always wonderfully pleasant and nice. I've always been the fat one, the looser, the dropout, the weirdo, with the worst shitty luck in history who always does everything the wrong way and fucks everything royally up. I can't help but hate her and her smug perfect little life where nothing bad ever happens.
I wish I'd never had to get over child abuse, I wish I'd never had to get over teenage pregnancy and a horrific violent birth experience, I wish I'd never had to get over domestic violence, I wish I'd never had to get over loosing everything I owned in a stupid divorce, but most of all I wish I wasn't a dead baby momma, which I can't ever even begin to get over.

Anyway ...I'm not looking forward to the stupid party.

1 comment:

  1. You are not a loser! What happened to Bella is not your fault, it's shitty beyond belief,but it can happen to anyone, even your perfect cousin.
    I hope you can enjoy your party, it does sound like you have some wonderful people in your life who love you.
    I know it will be hard. I will be thinking of you.