Thursday, 31 December 2009

A Letter Arrives

I've just had a letter from the hospital saying that in one of the blood tests back in October found I had raised Anti Thrombin III which can cause sticky blood. I've got to go for a re test just to double check. I've had a quick google search for it and can't find very much about it. However I have come across Hughes Syndrome, or Sticky Blood syndrome, maybe it's the same thing? I read all the symptoms and was like, FUCK! Flashing lights, confusion, fatigue, Giddiness, recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth. tick, tick, tick, tick. You know what the treatment is ......an asprin. Thats it. One tiny baby asprin every day.

I read it and then cried my eyes out.

An asprin could have saved Bella... it was totally preventable... God I feel sick.


Happy New Year, Goodbye 2009


Wow, I'm looking forward to getting this year over with! It's not all been bad but wow 2009 has really sucked.

I've had a great Christmas and got lots of lovely prezzies! I'm very pleased with my new set of furry slippers, I'm always freezing cold and I adore snuggly warm things :D Both the kids are with their grandparents for a week, the peace and quiet (and clean and tidy house) is actually quite nice. We went out to see Sherlock Holmes last night which was way better than I expected it to be, it's so cool to just go out...like just leave the house..without having to plan the military operation that is organising babysitting and making sure everyone has eaten something before we go anywhere.

Bella would have been due tomorrow, I'm trying not to dwell too much on the should have beens. I feel slightly guilty that I've never visited Bella's grave but I can't quite bring myself to go. She's in an unmarked plot with all the other babies, I really wish I could have afforded a proper plot and a headstone. Maybe I'll go tomorow, maybe it will be too much, I don't know.

I feel a little bit strange at the moment, I can't put my finger what makes me think it, but I've got the slight inkling I might be pregnant. This would be a bit of a disaster as it'll mean I'll be puking everywhere and feeling like shite for the wedding, great. I wouldn't mind if there was a possibility I'd actually have a baby at the end of it but having lost the last 3 I'm really not too hopeful for that, it's probably going to be months of feeling terrible with the inevitable hospital trip at the end....great. Anyway, it's probably just paranoia and my period isn't even due until the 8th of January. I've not got any symptoms or anything so I'm probably just getting worked up over nothing. We really should be a little more careful in all honesty. My silly husband-to-be does the whole "sleep sex" thing now and again and it was really bad timing. I was just thinking that it sounds like something off the front of one of those cheap trashy magazines "My Husband Got Me Pregnant In His Sleep!!" when lo and behold it actually WAS on the cover of one of the trashy magazines in Tesco which made me crack up lol!

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Christmas and Chiropractic

Merry Christmas everyone!

I was expecting to feel really shit right now, Bellas due date is coming up on the 1st Jan, shop is not doing too well, doing xmas dinner for the first time, trying to find cash for a crazy wedding in the desert somewhere, stress, stress, stress ect! And you know what.....I feel ok...I'm actually almost feeling festive.
My best friends gave us the most wonderful Christmas presents, a hamper they made for us, stunningly wrapped, plus loads of lovely goodies and two presents each for the kids. They got me this really cool polka dot monster thing with button eyes that attaches to your phone. My phone is a slippery little thing that I keep dropping and I really wanted a big something to attach to it, I can even find it in my handbag now, I couldn't have gotten a better prezzie! They made such a big effort and I felt kind of bad that we only bought them one present back, even if it was a really cool present. Anyways I'm really appreciating how awesome it is having such wonderful amazing friends :D
I've also been going to the Chiropractor, twice a week for the last five weeks, because my back was in a state after being pregnant. As well as my back pain having nearly totally gone, I think it's really helped me feel 100 times better. The chiropractor was going on about energy and the spine and how my scan looked very flat and tired when I first went. I wasn't interested at the time I just wanted to get out of the constant back pain, but wow it's really worked. Anyway, I feel so much better, not quite the old me but almost human again, I've not needed to take my St John's wort for two weeks and generally have more energy and enthusiasm for life again. The only trouble was that I had a sudden sort of wake up about my myself, I was like..oh...hello me in the mirror... what the hell am I wearing? what's with my hair?.....OMG I COMBED OUT MY DREADS WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I suddenly really miss them, and I think at the very least I'm going to make a set of extensions that I can take out for the Uni Interview hopefully after xmas!
I also bought my first wedding thing...these lovely blue shoes, for £15 in the sale in Brantano!! I'm gonna decorate them up a bit with peacock feathers but they are a pretty awesome colour :D

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Some Wedding Dress Ideas





I'm figuring that floor length dresses in the desert are probably out...can you imagine how grubby it would get! So I'm thinking maybe a cute 50s style dress, made with my blue silk corset with a fab swing skirt, mega pooft petticoat, a little bolero jacket and a big bow on there somewhere! I was quite inspired by the dress the lovely Jeanette made for her best friend, and wow I love her shoes, I want those but in blue!! (Hope you don't mind me pinching the piccy!)
The idea of going quite retro appeals to me, I'm thinking of making the invites look like a dodgy 50's B movie poster :D

Wedding Plans

We've gone crazy! We've decided to sod the idea of a "proper" wedding and get married at Area 51, yes THE Area 51, in the Nevada desert, in America, in 8 weeks time lol!
The whole wedding thing was getting to be a bit of a pain. Even doing it in the cheapest way possible in a village hall with a weekend in a dodgy hotel for a honeymoon was still going to cost a few thousand pounds once I added everything up. Ours was going to look a bit rubbish and cheap compared to other recent family weddings and the comparisons were going to annoy me. I could picture the "well, it's not like A's wedding is it" "when A got married bla bla bla" I spotted the Area 51 package on a website by chance and thought omg that's perfect! We're going to the International UFO Conference (which OH has been dreaming about going to for years) in Laughlin Nevada for a week, and we'll get married on the Monday out in the Desert. It's going to be totally crazy and fun!!! I can't believe we're gonna get to go on such an awesome holiday!!! I can't believe we're going to put so much money on our credit cards lol!

OMG What on earth do you wear for a desert wedding??? I need some ideas folks!!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Crossroads

I feel like I'm at a crossroads at the moment, one direction leads to trying again for a baby after the wedding and the other to forget the whole thing and just get on with the rest of our lives. I feel like I can't move on and plan the future until I've made a decision. My plan was to wrap up the business and go back to university to study nursing. But I've not got a uni place yet and when I visited the uni something didn't "feel right" about being there. Now I feel a bit lost and I I'm not sure what to do?

Planning to get pregnant is a whole new thing for me, it's always been "happy accidents" before. I've never been a "broody" sort of a person and this wanting a baby thing feels a bit odd. We tried for Bella after losing the last one at 12 weeks but that was a sort of crazy rush straight in the deep end thing rather than planning with proper thought, and hey, lesson learned there. I'm feeling a bit like a naughty teenager, planning to do something that's seem like such a bad idea.

If we were to have another baby it would suck as we can't really afford for me not to work and as I'm self employed there is no maternity or sick leave. We don't really have room in the house for another person. I'm probably going to be ill again and there is no guarantee that trying will result in a healthy baby, if fact there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant at all. How are you supposed to plan for that? It sounds all round like a bad idea to try again. But there is a part of me that really want's my OH to be a proper dad, he's a great stepdad to my other two and I know he does want one of his own and we'll always wonder what it would have been like. I want another crack at cloth nappies, slings and breastfeeding, and if not now, when? I'm 31, no spring chicken any more. I suppose if you wait for the "perfect" time to have a baby you'd be long past the ability to have one lol!

If we decide not to try and have a baby, I'd go back to college, get the house fixed up, we'd be able to afford a decent family holiday. No sleepless nights and no extra expenses. No more potential heartbreak and dead babies. No more hospitals or scans or worrying about what could go wrong. It feels like a pretty big decision, the biggest decision, that will change our whole future, where are you supposed to start? How do you plan something that's unplannable? Can you?

Why do I feel like I need to choose? Why am I flippin worrying about it all the time? Why can't I just chill a while and wait and see what happens? Hmmm actually that sounds like a plan!

Friday, 11 December 2009

New NICE Guidlines

Once again there was a discussion about baby loss on Radio 4 this morning, the last few times I switched the radio on thats what the discussion was about. I'm sure they never did before I lost Bella...or maybe they did and I just never noticed. Anyway, apparently NICE have brought out new guidelines saying that mothers "should not be routinely encouraged to see or hold their babies after death". I suppose everyone is different but I would have hated never to have seen or held Bella, I'm glad we had that time with her. I'm glad we took pictures and footprints and wrapped her in the blanket we had bought for her and kept her with us until the next morning. I was not sure before hand, I knew that she had been dead a few days by the time she was born and I was afraid of what she was going to look like. Luckily I was on a few homebirth and student midwife groups and got to ask midwives what to expect.
The full guideline say something totally different to the guidelines in the short version, this is a petition to get it changed to be more clear

Star Chart

I made this for my little girl, she made one yesterday as she wanted to earn some sweeties lol!It's A4 size and if you laminate it you can use dry wipe markers on it. Click on it for the full size version.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Grief Bubbles


Poor OH fell into bed at 6am this morning, ice cold and none too happy. Turns out the car broke down in a dodgy area on the way back from his lecture last night at 1am, first Green Flag didn't show up, then his phone ran out of batteries and then he had to hide from a fight going out right by the car. In the end he found a phone box and called Green Flag again who managed to find him at 5.30am. I'm actually glad I didn't wake up and find him not back, I would have been going crazy with worry. I'm going to put a package in the back of the car, with a fleece blanket, chocolate and a bottle of water and maybe one of those emergency phone charger things, just in case it happens again!

I'm just back from the GP, and I took my list, he said he would refer me for the EGC and the pregnancy loss clinic. I'd put a little something on there about being a bit depressed and that I'm taking St Johns Wort, and once he mentioned it I burst into tears and tried to explain through sobbing that I was actually fine and really did not need to have any tablets from him, thank you.

It's strange how one second you can be totally fine and then something sets you off and the grief pops up before you can stop it. But these days at least I find I can settle back down to stable quicker than I once did. I think that it's sort of like having a pool of emotions like fizzy pop and if they get a little shake it all the bubbles rise up and pop the top off the bottle. When you know something is going to give you a good shake it's very difficult to face it. I've still not been to see my hairdresser, I love my hairdresser, he skateboards to work (uber cool!) and came to Faery Fest with us two years in a row. His salon was opposite our old house so we became quite good friends. I know when I go there there will be a happy "hows the baby!" type moment as the last time I saw him I was proudly showing him my 20 week scan.and I will have to explain *sigh* I find doing things quickly without having a chance to worry about the impending bubble shaking seems to help. so I will have to just run in there on the way past make an appointment super quick. I must get around to doing this as my hair is half red, half black and all mess lol!

Friday, 4 December 2009

Enough Whinging Already

That's it! Enough with the doom and gloom!! (well ok it's probably not lol!)

I managed to convince OH that we can get married next year!! It will be a very cheap and cheerful affair with no honeymoon but I never was one for big expensive weddings anyway :D So wedding planning here we come YEY!! I've found a village hall, we can get married in for a very reasonable sum, and it's not as bad as it sounds as it's an old fashioned gothic style thing, perfect! It will of course be pretty off the wall and untraditional and great fun!

I'm thinking for a theme, peacock colours. which I'm rather obsessed with at the moment. So maybe a blue wedding dress, which would look pretty awesome with my red hair.






I spotted this dress designed, worn and made by Yaya Han, who models the stuff she's made on her website


I like the idea of having a bolero jacket but in blue and with one of my own corsets of course. I think this blue silk one is pretty much perfect :) I can make the a skirt and hopefully the bolero myself so this would work out pretty cost effective too



But for a twist I think I'll throw in a little steampunk, maybe something a little like this for my groom


My mum can make the cake and probably do the flowers too. My mum is a singer so we have a PA system and OH can DJ using my laptop with my father in law as compare'. We can have a hog roast and get mum in law to help out with some buffet food and desserts. So all in all I'm pretty sure we can sort it out in time for next year, maybe August or September. I'm so excited *claps hands*

Piercing Babies

I'm sitting here in work (I run a corset shop) and there is this poor baby who must be maybe less than two months old who has been screaming, and I mean hysterically, where she is choking and spluttering, for at least half an hour now probably longer, whilst it's chav mother browses the shops next door. She has one of those buggies where if you shut the car seat hood and pushchair hood it closes it totally off. The poor kid, if this is what she is like in public, what the hell is she like behind closed doors. I'm so so sitting on my hands trying not to go over there and just smack her one and drop the poor kid off to social services. I've walked over to her and turned away and bitten my tongue at least twice now.

It just seems so damn unfair, why should she keep her baby when I know of so many mothers who would have treasured their child and have lost them. This is one of the reasons I'm glad I don't believe in any kind of god, because if I did I would have to accept just how utterly, utterly cruel he is.
Yesterday god damn chavs were piercing their kids ears again in the jewellery shop next door, this little girl only about 18 months old was screaming and fighting them holding her down, whilst they peirced her ears, TWICE, in each ear. Afterwards they just bundled her into her dirty buggy and yelled at her to stop screaming, no words of comfort or a cuddle afterwards. I know it's none of my business what people do to their kids, but I wish they would not do it within my earshot at the very least! I wish my shop was in some lovely quiet pretty town with flower hanging baskets outside and tea making facilities *sigh*

Anyway, I'm fed up with being in the shop with all this crap going on. I really really want a nice hot cup of tea and a big box of chocolates, a big snuggly dressing gown, furry booties and a afternoon watching Twilight movies! I think I'm going to try and get someone to work tommorow as well as Sunday for me so I can take a break from this place.



Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Just Breathe

I don't understand why

someone, I only met

one day out of a million,

could cause this lake of tears?


My imaginary babe with warm skin and laughing eyes,

velvet hair and milky scent

keeps me up all night, torments

her empty basket

her brand new clothes

my tearstained cheeks

my empty arms


How can someone

who never even opened her eyes,

never even took a breath

make me fall in love, so much so

that I will miss her

every day until I die?


Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Stoooooopid Doctors

I've just found out that none of the letters from the hospital to my GP have been sent, well I actually found out last week but I've checked up again today and nothing has gone through, despite me ringing the hospital doctors secretary and getting her to resend them. *sigh* This does explain why I still keep getting pregnancy related things coming through. Why the stoooopid GP even rang me to tell me off for eating the wrong things and getting food poisoning when I was pregnant, even though I'd explained to him the week before, double grrrr! Why are they so utterly unable to sort things out! I told them I'd changed GP's when I was in the hospital and I told the consultant when I saw her just to double check. They assured me that everything would be under control and that they would sort it all out so I wouldn't have to worry about it.... Idiots..
I've made an appointment as I really do want to get stuff checked out as I'm still getting weird symptoms, mild versions or what I had when I was pregnant. One of the letters was meant to be about sending me for a 24 hour ecg and some other referrals for recurrant loss clinics ect. Looks like I will have to go through the whole sorry saga again with a most likely totally unhelpful and uninterested GP *double sigh*. I HATE going to the GP I always get totally flustered and my Dr phobic tendencies really do not help. Should I maybe write a list so I dont forget? Jeez it'll be a mile long, I'll look like a right whinger :S

Putting My Foot Through The Ceiling


Yes, I've achieved a whole new level of stupidity. Whilst attempting to get the Christmas decs down from the attic I managed to step between the rafters and ended up stuck half way back back downstairs. Luckily my fat butt would not fit through the gap (I knew I had it for a reason!) so I escaped relatively unscathed, aside from a ginormous bruise on my arm. I can't quite work out how I managed to hurt my arm when my leg went through but hey, could have been worse. I was just glad none of the kids or OH were right underneath, even though they did get a bit of shock with me flying through the ceiling and all lol!! (I'll post some piccies later of the mess)
In good news, after we spent forever cleaning up piles of plaster and attic dust the Christmas tree is up and looks rather lovely :D