Saturday, 12 December 2009

Crossroads

I feel like I'm at a crossroads at the moment, one direction leads to trying again for a baby after the wedding and the other to forget the whole thing and just get on with the rest of our lives. I feel like I can't move on and plan the future until I've made a decision. My plan was to wrap up the business and go back to university to study nursing. But I've not got a uni place yet and when I visited the uni something didn't "feel right" about being there. Now I feel a bit lost and I I'm not sure what to do?

Planning to get pregnant is a whole new thing for me, it's always been "happy accidents" before. I've never been a "broody" sort of a person and this wanting a baby thing feels a bit odd. We tried for Bella after losing the last one at 12 weeks but that was a sort of crazy rush straight in the deep end thing rather than planning with proper thought, and hey, lesson learned there. I'm feeling a bit like a naughty teenager, planning to do something that's seem like such a bad idea.

If we were to have another baby it would suck as we can't really afford for me not to work and as I'm self employed there is no maternity or sick leave. We don't really have room in the house for another person. I'm probably going to be ill again and there is no guarantee that trying will result in a healthy baby, if fact there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant at all. How are you supposed to plan for that? It sounds all round like a bad idea to try again. But there is a part of me that really want's my OH to be a proper dad, he's a great stepdad to my other two and I know he does want one of his own and we'll always wonder what it would have been like. I want another crack at cloth nappies, slings and breastfeeding, and if not now, when? I'm 31, no spring chicken any more. I suppose if you wait for the "perfect" time to have a baby you'd be long past the ability to have one lol!

If we decide not to try and have a baby, I'd go back to college, get the house fixed up, we'd be able to afford a decent family holiday. No sleepless nights and no extra expenses. No more potential heartbreak and dead babies. No more hospitals or scans or worrying about what could go wrong. It feels like a pretty big decision, the biggest decision, that will change our whole future, where are you supposed to start? How do you plan something that's unplannable? Can you?

Why do I feel like I need to choose? Why am I flippin worrying about it all the time? Why can't I just chill a while and wait and see what happens? Hmmm actually that sounds like a plan!

2 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and hoping you figure out the answer that works best for you and your partner. I wish we could get guarantees or road maps.... (((Hugs)))

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  2. I came here because you commented on my post about miscarriage at offbeatmama. I desperately want to be pregnant again but B.F has just been laid off so I've got at least a year before we can even think about 'trying again.'

    Life just sucks sometimes.

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