Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The Date Is Set

I'm still hanging on in there in work, although I am so tired and really wish I could knock it on the head already. But still there are only 5 more shifts to go, and it means I don't have to go back until next October hopefully so should be worth it. The hospital is very busy at the moment as you can imagine with swine flu and broken limbs from people falling in the snow. I'm feeling very glad that I chose to have my flu vaccine! As it's so busy we are having patients from all over the place as they are fitting them in wherever they can. Last shift we even had a gyne patient, 6 weeks pregnant in with severe morning sickness. She was very thin anyways and probably didn't eat very much at the best of times and she had ketones in her urine which is not a good sign. I was with her when they examined her and could clearly see the stretch marks from a previous pregnancy, she was really anxious and I saw her looking at me and looking away. I had a suspicion and read back a little bit in her notes and she had had a stillbirth 3 years before, her first baby. I felt so so bad for being so obviously pregnant and being the one looking after her, I know all too well how harsh it is being around heavily pregnant people. I chatted with her a little later on and found out that the current baby is as a result or their first round of IVF and she asked me about my baby, the usual chit chat. I so wanted to say how sorry I was for her loss and that I had lost a baby too and that I understood how anxious she was, but I just couldn't figure a way to bring it up. Two of the other nurses on my ward have suffered losses too, one lost 2 at 6 months due to an incompetent cervix and another lost a baby to anencephaly. I never would have known about that but of course people ask why I am still having scans and stuff, it's amazing how many people have lost babies and how little it is talked about unless the topic crops up.
In other news, I had my last scan and baby is looking happy and healthy at the moment :D The consultant was like "so when do you want to have this baby?" and I said as soon as it is safe to! So I am booked in for induction at 38 weeks...10th January, which is just 3 weeks away..omg! I'm happy but nervous and pretty much counting down the hours now!!! Just gotta make 3 more weeks *deep breath*

Thursday, 16 December 2010

It's just a cold lol!

So after having the whole day panicking about the whole auto immune illness coming back I started sneezing and sniffling, it's just a cold, *whew* never has anyone been so pleased to get a cold :D I still feel like crap though and spent most of today wishing I was in bed with a nice hot honey and lemon but ended up having to drag myself out of bed to get DD to school then watch the school play..then once home get back on the bus to the school in the afternoon in a snow blizzard, walk for half an hour in said snow blizzard, watch dance club performance then wait for a taxi for 20 minutes outside in subzero temperatures. None of this would have been a problem if I'd have had a car today but typically at the last minute did we find out OH needed to take it to work (OH car shares). I called in sick to work today but honestly I think I would have been better going in, at least it is warm and dry there, meh!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

A Bad Day

Well after feeling so good for so long and getting through the nightshifts unscathed, I woke up today feeling pretty awful. By the time I got to work I was feeling even worse and as soon as I got through the door, people were like "are you ok, you don't look so good". It's the same old, weird trippy feeling, high heart rate, weird visual stuff going, muscles feel all weak and horrible. The nice thing about working at the hospital is that the maternity ward is right there so I went straight over to get checked out. It was kind of hard trying to explain over the buzzer why I was there as I was sobbing so much by the time I got there, plus I have managed to lose my green maternity notes and this is the first time I have ever gone to work without them, typical!!! I was hooked up to the monitor and everything with the baby seems fine, she had been worryingly quiet this morning but woke straight up and starting bouncing round like crazy once I was hooked up..I was sooo relieved. I spoke to the Dr and stuff and they took some blood, but they said everything looks fine and that I was fine to go home. I can't help but worry though, it's never been a good thing when I feel like this. I'm also thinking that maybe I should just stop working now and just rest these last few weeks, but that means that I will have worked all this time for totally nothing and I'll fail the placement which will royally suck after all this hard work! I'll have to do the whole thing again from scratch starting next July, instead of going back into uni next October *sigh*.
Anyway I went home about as miserable as can be but I got home to find a package for me, with the most adorable knitted pixie hat in it. Thank you so much Jeanette, it really was lovely to come home and find something so sweet, I really appreciate it so much, it was like getting a hug in the post xxx I'm cuddled up on the sofa now with my feet up and a cup of tea and feeling a bit better :)

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

I've been meaning to finally take some photo's of me pregnant for a while now, but I keep putting it off...just in case, last time we took loads of photos and it was so not fun looking back at them all. But anyway...
I just came across this post and at first I was like awww but all pregnancy photo's are nice in their own way...then I was like ok I give these are too funny!! Especially this one lol!!

The Healing Power Of Cigarettes!

I'm totally tired after 3 12.5 hour nightshifts, but they were actually not as bad a day shift..I actually got to sit down for a while! Mostly all the patients are lovely, so many are being so brave even though they are going through so much. However not all of them are pleasant..this weekend we had a young guy, maybe 25, 6ft 4, really fit and healthy other than a broken leg in plaster. Our ward is not really meant for this type of patient but there was no where else for him to go. He kept us busy the whole night complaining about everything and anything, his phone kept going off keeping all the other patients awake and we were fetching him bottles and bedpans as he couldn't walk. Then he started complaining that no one was taking him in a wheelchair out for a cigarette and I explained that we didn't have any and the staff were not able to take him off the ward for that purpose. Then Lo and Behold up he gets grabs his crutches and speeds off the ward, down 2 floors and and all the way out of the hospital just to have a cigarette...a miraculous recovery! Later in the morning, I was already running late home as it was so busy with poorly people, I had my coat on and was just grabbing my handbag when he spots me and cries..."nurse, nurse help me!" so I drop everything and rush over to him. He decides he needs a bottle to go to toilet again, so I take off my coat and trudge around sorting it out. So there I am..clearly 8 months pregnant, 13 hours into a shift which I'm not even getting paid for, fucking exhausted, running around after someone who was perfectly capable of getting to the loo himself and wouldn't even say thank you. GRRRRRRR! I was so so pissed off with this guy!! Luckily when I got back in for the next shift he'd tried the same trick the day staff and they had very firmly told him that if he was capable of going all the way outside for a cigarette then he was more than capable of getting across the hall to the toilet.
We also had another patient having a total freak out at one of the poor nurses over the fact we did not have full scale catering in the middle of the night, he'd missed the evening meal as he was in theatre, she'd offered him tea and toast and a sandwich but apparently this was not to his taste, he insisted on a full hot cooked dinner at 1am. He started screaming at his nurse who was preparing urgent pain relief medication for a cancer patient that he was once the boss of (a well known TV programme) and was going to expose us for this dreadful state of affairs.....omg nurse hold the phone, stop worrying about the pain relief for the cancer patients and get in the kitchen and cook this VIP a dinner! What a twat! She didn't say a word back either just took the abuse and apologised until he finally stormed back to his bed. I see that I am going to have to grow a very thick skin if I am to do this job, the poor nurses are working in possibly the most frustrating environment I have ever been in.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Cherry On Top

YEY! I got one of those bloggy award thingies, I never win anything, so this is coool, thank you very much Sadkitty

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

Here are my nominations for super talented bloggers:-

I'm currently busy with a project to scan all my childhood photographs, and any of the kids photo's that pre-date digital. I've always been paranoid that the house will burn down or flood or something weird will happen and I will loose all my memories. I've also always kept select pictures the kids have done all the cards they have made for me and I've scanned those too. I'm storing them all online in my google Picasa account so they will be safe come hell or high water...hopefully!

I am also busy being irritated by people not checking things out before forwarding them on or posting them all over Facebook. First we had a so called campaign to "help" the NSPCC by changing your facebook picture to a cartoon character...errr exactly HOW is that going to help anyone, it's a hoax. Then everyone freaking out as it's suddenly a pedophile campaign which of course is a hoax too. I've also been "helpfully" forwarded emails about various scams and even one about calling 112 instead of 999 in an emergency if you have no phone signal, which of course is not the case. It drives me mad that people don't check anything out before forwarding it on..I've never come across one of these stupid posts that is not a hoax. FFS... learn to use Google people!!!

Thursday, 2 December 2010

My New Favourite Christmas Song

You know what, despite being a serious athiest, I really do love Christmas! My mum was never religious so it's always been about family and friends, good food, good company and of course lots of gifts. I adore the decorations, the lights, the bad TV, the lovely atmosphere, the cooking and most of all I love how excited the kids get. Last year Christmas really sucked though, I can't remember much about it really apart from concentrating very hard on having lots to do, I cooked for 8 on Christmas day, just so I wouldn't have any time to think about missing babies. This year I'm hoping to relax and try and enjoy it a bit more.

I just found this song by the wonderful Tim Minchin, who is in Birmingham next week and I am very very upset about not being able to go see due to lack of cash and working *sob* This is my new found favourite Christmas song despite it making me cry for at least 10 minutes after listening to it

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

4lb 12oz

is the current estimate on how big this lil baby is :D I had another scan yesterday and all is looking fine. It's strange having a scan so late in pregnancy, she is so big now that she won't fit on the screen all in one go. She also had hiccups while they were trying to measure her tummy which was cute!
I also had a chance to chat about delivery with the very lovely midwife from the miscarriage clinic, very good timing that she happened to be there. I will have the option of booking an induction at 39 weeks, but that it is up to me. Now, to be fair the idea of being booked in is actually sort of soothing, it would means no mad rush to hospital, no worrying about trying to get in the damn place in the middle of the night, childcare can be sorted out beforehand and hopefully there would be a bed and enough midwives ect. But also there is part of me that still wishes I could do the whole thing naturally and the midwife also said that I could wait for labour naturally and go to the midwife unit instead. But to be fair I don't think that I would have the patience to sit around waiting (and worrying) for that long. So I have one last scan in 4 weeks and an appointment with the consultant to make a plan for the birth.

Whilst I was waiting before the scan there was a woman making a huge fuss about the fact that she'd just found out she was having a girl when she wanted a boy. She was making a big show of it to her husband and mother about just how "really pissed off" she was, shouting at him and generally being vile. In the other corner of the room was this tiny little asian lady who had just come back from having a scan and she had that thousand mile stare that says the news has not been good. I totally wanted to go up to the lady who was "pissed off" about having a perfectly healthy baby and just point out that not everyone in the room had not just had such good news, that the sex of the baby was probably the last thing on the list she should be worrying about and that she should STFU! I bit my tongue with effort and pondered how foolish people are to worry and be upset about things that really do not matter and reflected on the fact that I should also not bother worrying about stuff that really does not matter either. It really does not matter the hows and wherefores of how I have this baby, so long as she arrives safely, which I truly truly hope that she does xxx

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Birth Anxiety

I'm going into worry overdrive about where to have this baby. I was chatting with one of the senior nurses in our surgical admissions team who previously spent 20 years working on the surgical maternity ward in the hospital I am booked for. I mentioned that I was anxious after a previous bad experience and that although I'm not really bothered about most things, I really wanted things to be evidence based/best practice. "Ha!" she declared, "oh gosh I don't go for all that evidence based stuff, what a load of rubbish. I've been delivering babies 20 years and I pay no attention to any of it" I was just left open mouthed, in stunned silence ...followed by terror. This is a highly senior nurse practitioner telling me this WTF! I'm so afraid that I'm going to be in the care of a bunch of numpties!! I swear if there was any way to afford or obtain private care I would be on the phone right now booking myself in, but alas outside of London there is just nothing at all no matter how much cash you can flash. I do want to be in a hospital with all emergency care on standby just in case, but man oh man do I wish I was having a home birth, with a nice team of midwives who I know. I'm on flippin Asprin therapy still and am at high risk of bleeding after the birth, I do not want to be left alone again with a retained placenta until I pluck up the guts to pull it out my damn self.

*sigh* I don't think there is honestly anything I can do about it though so I think I am just going to have to deal with it.
I'm going to distract myself with trashy trashy TV, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...I can't stand that Gillian...so of course I love it :D

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

30 weeks

10 more to go! I actually went out and bought some baby clothes today without having a big dilemma about it either. Today I was having one of those days where you feel like you've ballooned overnight, where did all this belly come from all of a sudden? I've started to do the waddling walk and everything lol!

I did another long 12.5 shift on Tuesday and I ended up having a bit of a cry when I got home. I was looking after a lovely patient with a pretty horrific cancer and it was so sad knowing that he is not going to last much longer and that he is suffering so much, he was in such a bad way but still a very sweet old guy and his family were lovely too. They were talking to him about how much he has to "get better" in time to come home for Christmas and stuff, but it is just not going to happen at all, so so sad. We had this patient and one other who were expecting to go to theatre or get treatment and just found out that there was now nothing more that could be done for them. So many of the patients are in a similar boat but at an earlier stage and it all got a bit much thinking about how fragile life is and what could lay ahead for me or one of my friends or family. I think this I way I'd really like to work in Theatres instead of on the wards, at least there you are always doing something positive that could really help rather than being all helpless to do anything other than make them comfortable. Plus I don't suppose you have a chance to get to know the patients so much as when you are caring for them on the wards which would mean I wouldn't get so attached and upset. I've got 6 more weeks of this though so I think I need to grow a thicker skin.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010


After two days of working 12.5 hours shifts, I am really enjoying having my feet up today! Seriously, I think most of the nurses I worked with are in fact robots, as they don't drink, pee or sit down at all in 12.5 hours, I'm surprised how well I did though :D As well as feeling glad to be sitting down, I am also grateful that I don't have to breathe through a tube in my throat or eat through a tube in my stomach, that my bed is quiet and comfortable and that I don't have to have any surgery any time soon. I do really feel for all those poor patients stuck back on the ward. I learned so so much in the first two days and did get thrown in the deep end a bit..which was great! I'd assumed I'd be just making beds and doing observations but I got to take some surgical staples out, give an injection and take out Venflons (those tubes they put in a vein in your hand) Also watched the nurses doing all the really technical stuff...and boy is there a lot to learn. The paperwork is mountainous, confusing and illogical, is in ten different places and ten different computer systems, it is going to take forever to get the hang of! It's also annoying that the nurses have such a complex paperwork system to deal with that is so time consuming and wasteful. One day maybe they will get a nice online system and each nurse could just have a little handheld computer..you could just log into a patients details, drug charts, obs chart, feeding chart, weight chart, fluid chart, falls risk chart, notes all in one place! It's pretty amazing that Google has all the software I need, for free, that works beautifully, all joined up, yet a huge organization like the NHS which spends millions on IT can't have a decent system, it was honestly just like my old DOS computer. They had at least 5 different things they had to log into on different computers all with different passwords..just crazy. I dunno, maybe one day I'll invent a system and get my database hubby to build it and we can make a mint :D

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Isabella's Things

Yesterday at my mother in laws she mentioned all the baby stuff that was in their garage. I though I may as well pluck up the courage to take it all home whilst we were on the subject. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, it didn't really upset me as much as I thought it would. I'd forgotten just how much stuff I had bought though!! It's sort of awesome as it's all stuff there is no way I could afford to buy this time around being a poverty stricken student. It was sort of like Christmas, opening all this beautiful stuff...and damn I had good taste :D I have a purple corduroy Wilkinet baby carrier, 4 pastel coloured Fuzzi Funz Nappies, 2 Tots Tots lilac spot covers, 1 pack of rainbow Tots Bots, a whole set of Bambino Mio newborn nappies, 4 packs of size 2 Bambino Mio nappies,pink fleece nappy wrap, 2 packs of washable baby wipes and spray solution, fleece nappy liners, purple Tots Bots waterproof nappy bag, pastel pink nappy bucket, some super cute baby clothes, handmade bandana bibs and even an super posh aromatherapy labour kit. The only trouble is that it seems I have enough nappies for about 3 babies, as I've been buying nappies on Ebay this time around too lol!

I also had another growth scan yesterday and everything is looking good!! Baby is looking around 2lb 12oz which is a whole 1lb more than two weeks ago. She's also flipped from breech to head down which is good as I've been doing those handstands from that Spinning Babies website. This all means they don't want to see me for 4 weeks. Also popped to see the ward I will be working on next week while I was at the hospital and people there seemed nice and it didn't look too crazy busy, which is good!

I have a day off uni today and suddenly all this baby stuff around feels really weird, I feel very much like someone who is pretending to be pregnant. Like a crazy lady buying baby stuff for a reborn doll or something. It's all a bit odd.

Sunday, 31 October 2010

12.5 Hour Shifts

I start my first hospital placement in just over a week and I'm so excited to actually get working in the hospital and learning stuff. The only thing that is causing me to stress a little is the fact that I will be doing 12.5 shifts, starting at 29 weeks pregnant. I've only ever done one or two other 12 hour days and I know it would knacker me out even if I was not pregnant. Even just standing around for that length of time is going to be a big challenge. I've bought one of those bump supports from Mothercare and I have to say that it is helping with my rubbishy lower back so hopefully that will help me out. I'm planning to finish this first placement which will take me up to the 3rd January, which will give me just a few weeks off before the baby comes. I'm keeping a very open mind about all this though and if it is too much I can finish early, but it does mean I have to back to uni early too. If I can finish the placement I'll start back next October, if I don't make the placement I'll have to do it again starting in July which is a huge difference!

I got the pushchair out of the attic last night as hubby was putting stuff in and I decided it may as well come down while he was up there. It's a Quinny Buzz with all the accessories in really good nick which I won for a song on Ebay. I bought it just before I had the second miscarriage at 12 weeks, I'd made the 12 weeks and totally thought that chances were everything would be fine, ahhh the good old innocent days. I can't remember how to do anything with it though so it's probably going to take from now until the baby comes to actually work out how to work the damn thing lol! My daughter has been playing putting her dolls in it all morning so we've worked out how to lay the seat back, and discovered that I have the wrong adaptors for the carrycot so back to Ebay, two tiny plastic adaptors cost flipping £20 grrr. But I also discovered that the package I have new costs £450 new so I'm feeling glad that I did put it away in the attic instead of getting rid of it :D

Friday, 29 October 2010

Day 29 and 30

Day 29 - Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
I hope I have a healthy happy baby in 12 weeks time. It would also be awesome if I have a relatively positive birth experience ...maybe even without 10 bazillion stitches this time and no one doing anything stupid or traumatic to me..I cant dream *sigh* I seriously need to lose some weight as am fatter than I have ever been and it has to change! I'll hopefully get back to roller derby and get fit too, if not I'll go back to jogging...wow I think 5k would actually kill me now lol! Maybe get the house organised and out of the building site stage. Get back to uni and pass with flying colours too!

Day 30 - A dream for the future

I want to do everything in the vid below, inspiring stuff lol!! Other than that I'd like to finish uni, get a job, be able to go on holiday once a year with the kids make the house all nice. Simple stuff really :D

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Day 28

Day 28- What's in your handbag/purse
I was going to uni today to collect my uniform. So I had a black rucksack, which had my folder, pencil case, library book to take back (which of course I forgot to do) wallet, fizzy water and my pass. I was hoping to return home with a uniform but there had been a mix up so I went home empty handed. I stopped off in Mothercare as I had to walk past it to get my second bus home and felt miserable that there was not a thing I could afford. Then I popped in a charity shop around the corner from the house and found an awesome load of brilliant quality like new baby clothes, 2 full carrier bags for £6, it was stuff I would have chosen from new too...hell yeh :D

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Day 26, 27

Day 26 - Your week in great detail
This week is half term so I am kicking back and relaxing but the usual thrillingly exciting week goes something like this:-
Mon-Fri. I get up at 7am and try and get in the bathroom before anyone else gets up. 7.30 I wake everyone up if they've not got up already. Sort breakfast out and pack my uni stuff. Try and figure out what DD needs for school. I'm not that great at remembering school stuff, in fact I am utterly useless. Usually there is some kind of panic from someone...like there are no socks/forgotten homework/no cookery club ingredients/no keys/mobile phone missing/no money for school dinner. Chaos is a usual morning here. Then everyone sets off about 8 o'clock..or at least everyone aims to leave then. It's all a bit complicated with one car which sometimes I have and sometimes not. So I either drive DD to school, get OH's mum to pick her up or catch the bus, DS walks. Then I have to get two buses to college or a train then a bus which is quicker but means a 20 min walk to the train station. It's all a bit complicated, especially when you are organisationally challenged like I am.

I get to uni and get studying, this I am a bit better at doing. Usually go to library for a bit and grab some lunch in the student union bar. Then it's back on a zillion buses to get home or if I'm lucky a drive back. Then I pick DD up from school/after school club/childminders and head home. Then I attempt to think of something to cook for dinner, this is usually challenging as I'm crap at organising food ahead of time and half our kitchen is in boxes in the living room. Luckily there is a Tesco 2 mins down the road so I can grab stuff if needs be. Then I tend to chill out on the laptop with everyone and attempt to referee everyone fighting over who gets the big tv/laptop/computer in the living room. It's fun though really as at least we are all together. Some nights there are guitar lessons and stuff to go to, which I hate! I usually get really tired by about 8pm, OH hates this as we always used to cuddle up and watch films/anime/tv together from 9-midnight.
Saturdays/sundays we all lie in and then I do all the washing and the housework which I have been avoiding all week, blegh. DS normally goes out skating with his friends if it's dry at the weekend. There are usually a zillion DIY tasks to get done as well or trips to the tip with the rubble from the kitchen work as we can't afford a skip lol! We are nearly through it all now and almost have a garden back :D My life is busy, stressful, unorganised and chaotic but I love it!

27- Your worst habit
This would probably be my procrastination and general laziness. I hate housework, cleaning, washing, organising all that essential jazz and avoid it where ever possible. Of course it all still needs to be done which usually means there is a bit of cycle. I get on top of everything and pretend to be a real grown up who can take care of everything. Then it all gets too much and I end up just ignoring real life stuff and rebelling, by doing lots of fun cool stuff that I want to do...until it reaches critical mass and I HAVE to do all the real life work stuff and then it's a massive huge overwhelming task. I totally cracked up at this post on Hyperbole and a half which pretty much sums it all up lol!

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Day 23, 24, 25

Day 23 - A Youtube video that makes you laugh
Ok, I have a lot of these lol!! So many to choose from!

I adore Tim Minchin and this little clip cracks me up :D (lil bit of bad language)

This one we found yesterday, this peace protestor stopped a Koran burning in the US, by nicking the Koran they were going to burn...which has now of course been made into a song ...haha love it :D

Last weekend my so called friends subjected me to a screening of "the worst film ever made" The Room. Which was truly truly the worst thing I have ever seen but was actually painfully funny because of it..again someone has autotuned it heheh :D

Day 24 - Where you live
I grew up in a bit of a rural place and always though that I would want to live in the countryside. I had my own horse through my early teens and spent all my time on the farm. I always wanted to live on a remote smallholding with mountains and animals. But I bought my first house in a tiny little semi rural village and was utterly miserable. Then I met OH and moved to Solihull, Birmingham and it turns out I love living by the city! I love that there is so much to do here, theatre, music, parks, activities, nightlife and great places to eat. I love that the schools are so much better here and there is so much more here for the kids to do. Last year we managed to scrape enough money to buy a little ex council house in a decent area and for the first time ever I feel really settled :D

Day 25 - Your day in great detail
Ok this was actually yesterday but I was too tired to post last night lol!

Woke up and kicked OH out of bed, I normally get up before him and get him up when he needs to go to work but this week is half term so I stayed in bed for an extra hour awake but snuggled up. DD has gone to stay with her Dad in Wales so there is no one to make me get up early at all. *bliss*. I spent the morning carefully avoiding putting away the vast pile of laundry that needs ironing and putting away, drinking tea and surfing the net was far more important :P
My DS needed new clothes desperately so we decided that we'd pop into town and get some shopping done. It was really nice spending the day with him as we don't get much of a chance to spend one on one time. We got some jeans, tshirts and hoodies from H&M and then treated ourselves to a Starbucks. DS wanted to go do some skateboarding with his friends so I dropped him at the skatepark and popped into Halfords to get some anti freeze spray as we got caught out by the frost this morning. I ended up buying new tyres and inner tubes for a bike we have sitting in the shed that DS could use, (I used to work as a cycles mechanic in Halfords once upon a time) as I figured that once is stops raining that could be little project for me later in the week.
I cooked a sweet and sour chicken for tea and then we chilled out in front of the telly and watched a bit of 6 Feet Under. Then over to the inlaws for a cuppa and a chat.
Great day, nice to have some time off :D

Friday, 22 October 2010

Day 20, 21, 22

Had my first exam this morning, only a mock exam so didn't panic too much about. Was well chuffed to get 100% though, hell yeh!! :D

Day 20- A hobby of yours and how it has changed since your loss
I did take up roller derby last year after Bella, which was totally awesome. You can't worry about stuff and try and stay upright on roller skates at the same time. But had to give it up since I was pregnant, hopefully I will go back some day but I figure that's going to be a challenge with a little baby, but hey :D I used to be really into contact juggling, hula hooping, fire poi....fun festival type stuff but I've really lost all motivation with it all, I'll get back into one day maybe.

Day 21 - A recipe
Ok, this is an awesome recipe that everyone in my house loves. I started out with a recipe from a newspaper but I've made it better since then. It's super healthy and the kids actually eat it and ask for more!

Fairy's Balsamic Beef
Stewing beef
Chantenay carrots (awesome as you dont have to peel/chop but any carrots will do)
mushrooms (or any other random veggies you fancy)
tin of tomatoes
tube of tomato puree
1 beef stock cube (go for an MSG free one)
possibly a bit of water(..depends how many veggies you put in)
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
mixed herbs
salt and pepper

This is super easy - pre heat oven to about 160/medium heat
Throw all ingredients in a casserole pot (don't bother browning the meat and the onions, tastes just as good without bothering) make sure there is enough liquid to cover everything, sometimes I add a little water if I've put in lots of veggies. Pop in the oven for 2 hours. Serve with mash or new potatoes, I promise it's yummeh!
Also works even better in a slow cooker if you are out in the day :D

Day 22- A website that has been meaningful since your loss
I've spent lots of time online and the most helpful and meaningful websites have been those of fellow babylost mothers. It was actually really hard to find ones that were not all fluffy angels, American cheese, God bothering and generally impossible to relate to. But I have come across some blogs that are breathtakingly beautifully written, honest, I think reading about other people, going through the same kind of things, same sort of feelings helps, a kind of solidarity maybe. I think that sometimes writing stuff in a blog is so much easier than attempting to explain how you feel to real life people, where you are worried about upsetting them or letting them in on how bad you are at actually coping. If I'd not read alot of this stuff I'd have thought I was actually losing my mind, instead of thinking that actually I am pretty normal for a babylost mother. I have a few hundred on my reading list but here are some of my top super talented amazing bloggers :-
Knocked Up Knocked Down (this one kinda ended now but it's still good read)

There are also a lot of very funny websites that have been a sort of therapy almost, here are my favs:-
Hyperbole and a half - (I very nearly wet myself reading the story about the bikes, you have to read it!)

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

26 Weeks

I had another scan yesterday and everything is looking good, baby is still on the lowest centile but is growing just fine. She's turned breech, which I had suspected as she's kicking my bladder all the time lol! For the first time I managed to get through the whole thing without crying or feeling generally terrible! I ended up going really early straight from Uni so sat outside reading for a while, which I think really helped calm me down. The newborn hit squad had seemingly taken the day off which was awesome and it was mostly a clinic full of fairly newly pregnant ladies rather than those about to pop. It was all rather boring and I didn't even get a wobbly lip at any point *joy*

Oh and before I forget! Ahead of the game for once :P
Day 19 - A talent of yours
I like to sing and play guitar pretty badly :D

Monday, 18 October 2010

Day 18

Day 18 - My wedding/future wedding/past wedding

I got married to the love of my life in February this year..seems like so long ago though lol! We planned a cheap wedding and soon realised that there is no such thing when you have a fairly large family. I was randomly looking at wedding ideas online and came across a company that did a wedding package for Area 51 which I though was hysterical! Then I realised that the International UFO Congress was on just around the corner, which OH has wanted to go to since he was about 15. Then I worked out that it would still actually be cheaper to have a wedding and holiday all in one that it was to get married over here. OH actually took a bit of talking around to the idea, as he was worried about how his family would react, and yeh, they were a bit miffed about it. But they would have been disappointed anyway as there was no way we could even begin to compete with the last family wedding, which was one of those "perfect" but utterly utterly boring weddings that cost more money that an decent deposit on a house.
We planned the whole thing in less than 6 weeks and my mum made me the most perfect dress ever! We had a crazy, fun, amazing time in America and had a proper adventure that we will never forget. The wedding itself was in the Nevada desert at sunset and was more perfect that I could have ever dreamed of :D

I adore this photo of OH running towards us, outside the Little Ale'Inn, looking like something out of a movie :D

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Day 15, 16, 17

Day 15- What you like about your house?
I don't like an awful lot about my house at the moment, every wall needs repairing, every carpet needs replacing and the whole place looks like a small tornado has just stopped by. We have half a kitchen, which isn't going to go any further as we are all out of money. We also need a new bed (OH managed to crash through the slats of the bed the other night, which is a serious pain but was hysterically funny!) a few new wardrobes as one of ours looks like the leaning tower of pisa and poor DD's only has one door left hanging on lol! It's all a bit overwhelming the amount of money you need to fix anything or replace furniture.
However, I love the fact that this is our house though something which is not to be taken lightly in this day and age! This place has so much potential, I just can't wait to sort it all out and make it what it could be.

Day 16 - A song that makes you cry
This made me cry in the car the other day as the lyrics just remind me of how I feel about my OH, he really is far more awesome than I could ever give him credit for, I am so very lucky to have found him. This is Neverland by Marillion-
When the darkness takes me over
Face down, emptier than zero
Invisible you come to me
Stay beside me
Whisper to me "Here I am"
And the loneliness fades

Day 17- An art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting ect) that moves you?
I am a huge fan of the site www.deviantart.com and have found so many amazing works on there that really don't get the credit they deserve.
I love this piece called "Impossible Love"
From Frustrated Fairy
and this one called "delicate things"

Friday, 15 October 2010

Day 12, 13, 14

Ok falling behind again...only as I'm trying to learn long goddam divison and simplification of fractions (I honestly though I was ok at that stuff but I really suck!) and have spent all week trying to sort out my student bursary payments as the overdraft is about to hit the limit and then we won't be able to eat, let alone put fuel in the car or pay the childminder....student life bites!! :S

Day 12 - Something You are OCD about.
Hmm, not really the obsessive type, unless you count obsessively disliking things...like people who play mobile phone music at the back of the bus, litter throwers, queue jumpers....oh and a new one, people who can't shut up through uni lectures. Makes me totally angry every time! RAWR!

Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss
wait.... didn't we do books already? I've not really read anything that I would say was meaningful in a long time, I've expressly avoided reading anything deep or emotional, it's all science or trash.
A book that changed my perspective of the world quite a bit and means quite a lot to me, I was given this by a friend when I was 16, is Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. A very odd little masterpiece about a family who have bred their own freak show. Deliciously dark, riveting story and there is so much commentary on psychology, human nature and other freaky stuff. I forgot about this book which should have been my favourite book of ALL time for day 4!

"It is, I suppose, the common grief of children at having to protect their parents from reality. It is bitter for the young to see what awful innocence adults grow into, that terrible vulnerability that must be sheltered from the rodent mire of childhood.
Can we blame the child for resenting the fantasy of largeness? Big, soft arms and deep voices in the dark saying, "Tell Papa, tell Mama, and we'll make it right." The child, screaming for refuge, senses how feeble a shelter the twig hut of grown-up awareness is. They claim strength, these parents, and complete sanctuary. The weeping earth itself knows how desperate is the child's need for exactly that sanctuary. How deep and sticky is the darkness of childhood, how rigid the blades of infant evil, which is unadulterated, unrestrained by the convenient cushions of age and its civilizing anesthesia.
Grownups can deal with scraped knees, dropped ice-cream cones, and lost dollies, but if they suspected the real reasons we cry they would fling us out of their arms in horrified revulsion. Yet we are small and as terrified as we are terrifying in our ferocious appetites.
We need that warm adult stupidity. Even knowing the illusion, we cry and hide in their laps, speaking only of defiled lollipops or lost bears, and getting lollipop or a toy bear'd worth of comfort. We make do with it rather than face alone the cavernous reaches of our skull for which there is no remedy, no safety, no comfort at all. We survive until, by sheer stamina, we escape into the dim innocence of our own adulthood and its forgetfulness."

Day 14- A Non-fiction book that has been meaningful to you since your loss
I have read lots of medical journals, midwifery texts and book trying to glean some kind of understanding as to what happened and why, with Isabella and the other miscarriages. But there have been no answers only more questions. I wish I could have a definite diagnosis or at least a suspicion about what could have happened. I am trying not to get too distracted by all the books on stillbirth and miscarriage in the uni library as I have enough to deal with reading what I'm supposed to be reading. Not come across anything amazing enough to be meaningful though.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Day 11

Day 11- A picture of you now and how it makes you feel.
Yeh, so I'm still crazy.... although I am now an old cynical moaning grump I do still have a sense of humour. I CAN still have fun and don't mind making a total idiot of myself now and again :D

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Day 10

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now

This is me in 1997 when I was 18. OMG this photo makes me feel so old lol!!! So much crazy stuff has happened since then, it's certainly not been boring. I would have never ever guessed just how things were going to turn out. My glasses are so huge and my hair had this terrible perm. I had really wonky teeth back then and I never ever opened my mouth to smile in photos. I can't believe that little baby is this huge teenager who is bigger than me now, he was soooooo cute back then :D

Friday, 8 October 2010

Day 8

Day 8 A photo that makes you angry/sad?
This was tough one, I have so many sad photos and looking at some of the other pictures people have posted for this day really made me have a good cry.
This photo is of me pregnant with Bella at a summer festival, totally chilled out hippy mamma.....when my biggest baby related worry was which birth pool would be most practical for a homebirth and which brand of cloth nappy to choose. I don't even recognise myself and I wish I could just rewind time and start again from that point. Funny how you don't just lose a baby you lose so much of yourself as well..

Day 7

Day 7 -A photo that makes you happy-
Me and OH being utterly stupid and taking silly photos in a very sensible conference :D

Day 6

Day 6 - 20 things that calm you? This is kinda hard...I'm not the calm type really, I can't think of 20 lol! But here are some things I do that I think are pretty calming


Visiting a museum or art gallery

Being cuddled up and warm in the house on a rainy day

lying on grass on a sunny day
reading a good book

mmm cheesecake
getting a foot rub
contact juggling

candlelit baths
Chillout music

Day 5

Ok, I'm well behind with this now, never mind!
I spent ages thinking thinking about this but I know a zillion quotes and couldn't choose one so I've gone for a song lyrics

"I can't change the world, cos trying to make a difference makes it worse,
it's just an observation I can't ignore, that people should smile more."
-Newton Faulkner

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

30 posts in (sorta) 30 days

Ok, so I'm a little late joining in with this but hey :) For details see Angie's post here

1) Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why
Hmm this one is hard as I have eclectic tastes in music and would really like one song for each genre..and then one for each mood that I'm.....but then I'd be here all day. I was a professional singer and bass guitarist in a band for many years and music has always been a huge part of my life. I've always used music like therapy, either to chill out or to go full on rage crazy to. I can think of so many beautiful, pretty songs, but this one is one that I have sang to myself while crying and hurting so bad I didn't know what to do with myself. It's angry and frustrated and yet positive and supportive all the same time, I have needed someone telling me to hold on and be strong! -Hold On by Korn

With aversion, this insertion
came so swiftly
Cut the cord, from this day forward
We'll be drifting

No direction, no affection
Watch the soul dive
You're dissected, resurrected
Still don't know why
This illness is like a monster that is
eating us alive

Hold on, be strong
So right, so wrong
With all of our senses
All of our defenses
Hold on, be strong

New arrival, our survival
still not certain
What's a virtue, where do you go to
when you're hurting?

2) Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Pan's Labyrinth - I have sooo many favourite films but this film broke my heart and filled me with wonder at the same time, it left a real impact after I saw it. It's full of magic, beauty and fantasy and the dark gritty horror of the world all bundled up into one. It's utterly utterly beautiful too. It's in Spanish though and it's such a shame that so many people have missed this film, not for the faint of heart though this is very gritty indeed in parts and has a very sad ending. This is my favourite film of all time that I have not have the courage to watch again since Bella died as I'm just too much of a big sensitive wuss.

3) Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
We've watched a few series' of 6 Feet Under which is sort of morbid but I've related to that general theme of death and loss and life still going on.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
I used to read a lot, but this last year I've hardly read anything at all although I'm currently reading Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Our house is filled with far too many book stuffed on far to few shelves and it's on my list of thing I really really need to sort out. I'm going to say my fav book, and yes this is all girly and probably a bit sad for a woman of my age but I have to say the Twilight Saga, just for pure escapism :P

Monday, 4 October 2010

24 Weeks

So I was feeling all positive and confident for 5 mins, I was like YEH we ARE going to have a baby in this house soon, of course we are! *does funky dance*. I even went crazy and bought baby stuff on Ebay, a set of 12 little lamb cotton nappies, a bundle of newborn clothes and a carry cot for our Quinny pram all at a bargain price. Of course I should have known that pride comes before a fall *sigh* I marched into the hospital for my scan with faith this afternoon, straight past the inevitable newborn hit squad, (I'm half sure they lie in wait and discharge all the newborns when they see me coming) I sat bored in the waiting room without crying, for the first time ever, even though I was waiting forever for my turn to go in.
Everything is fine and I don't need to panic just yet but the baby is measuring very small, in the lowest possible normal range, so I need to go back in two weeks to see that she is growing ok, they told me not to worry. Two weeks ago she was big for her age so of course I am now worrying, and really really wishing I had not gotten overconfident and ordered all the baby stuff. I *know* that purchasing baby items does not curse babies to instant death but my timing really sucks :(

Monday, 27 September 2010

23 Weeks

I think I am beginning to lose the plot! My anxiety levels are through the roof this week, as this is the fateful week that we lost Isabella. Today I was back to the hospital and I had a total freak out on the way there as I was convinced I couldn't feel her moving and that my belly was smaller somehow. I sobbed all the way to the hospital on the bus, then had to go into the toilets in the hospital waiting room as I'd got myself in a right state convinced I was going to have to ring everyone with bad news. I pulled myself together a bit and went in to see the consultant, I explained everything I was worried about and she smiled and got the doppler out to check everything was ok, which thankfully it was. Everything was fine and she had a look at my scan results from last week and says she is really pleased with everything and that the baby is actually measuring a bit ahead, weighing approx 1lb 3oz already :D I felt all sheepish and silly for having such a panic on over nothing and of course this afternoon baby was moving about like crazy again...relief!
I also had my first lesson this morning on injection techniques...which I was late for as I lost my car keys and had to catch a train and then a bus to get to uni. I've still not found my stupid keys either...this is the second time I've properly lost them in two weeks! ARGH! In good news though my kitchen worktops and sink were fitted today which means the end of a stressful few days trying to manage with no kitchen at all. All the kitchen stuff was piled up in the living room and it was impossible to find anything and making a cup of tea was a major mission. The very nice plumber man redid all the sink pipework for free as my father in law managed to fall flat on his face and bent all the brand new plumbing on the way down.
I am feeling ten zillion times better about everything this evening and I'm having a nice time helping DD with her first ever cross stitch kit....and I can even get a cup of tea from my kitchen *bliss*

Friday, 10 September 2010

One Of Those Weeks

So Monday was Isabella's "birthday", my first day of uni and involved a trip back to the unit where she was born. I didn't really have much time to dwell on it as I spent all day in a mad panic trying to work out how to get from uni to the hospital on time. Then I got there and realised that I'd forgotten my notes and the hospital didn't have my notes either as they were in the other hospital where I had my scan last week. So had to get my father in law to bring them which took an hour. While I was sitting by the reception desk I kept seeing tiny new babies being taken home in their car seats which was just utterly painful. When I finally got my notes and started waiting in the clinic it turned out that my consultant was on holiday, and the replacement consultant had been taken to a crash c-section so I may as well not have bothered. They did a quick antenatal blood pressure/urine test and that was it. Little one is moving lots and keeping me reassured thankfully.
The rest of the week has been manic trying to work out the best way to get to uni on time, as the trains kept getting delayed, traffic is horrendous, no parking, no idea which buses I need to get on ect. Trying to find the right rooms to be in when the place is vast and all looks the same. The usual nightmare stuff when you are trying a whole new routine in a new place with new people.
We also found out that our friend that died last week committed suicide, which is just all kinds of sad. He was living with and looking after his gran for the last few years, they were really close and she passed away about a month back. He got married a few years back and his wife cheated on him within two weeks of the wedding. Maybe it just all got too much? It's so sad as he was a genuinely funny and nice guy and no one knew there was anything really wrong. His best friend talked to him on the phone the night before and there didn't seem to be anything wrong, they had just bought tickets for the football season together...I just don't get it.
Anyway, this week has royally sucked and I'm hoping that things will pick up next week...things can hopefully only get better.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Well That Was Not So Bad

Scan went well and everything looks ok. Big relief! I was getting the wobbly lip as soon as I got there but Dave played mobile phone battleships with me and distracted me beautifully! We were in first so there was not the usual waiting room full and we only had to wait 10 mins.There was actually more than one room there and my luck was in, it wasn't the same room I went in last time, hooray! The sonographer has acutally read the notes and was really really lovely to us. She checked the heartbeat first for me and really took her time and was really wonderful. Baby was of course in an funny position so I had to have a bit of a walk to get her to move into a better position...yeh..looks like it's another little girl :) I couldn't have asked for better, it was totally not as bad as I was expecting.
So it was a really great day and I was on a high, until we got a phone call this evening saying one of hubby's friends has died this morning, we don't know what's happened yet, but it really sucks, the guy was only like 32. It's shocking just how fragile life is hey...

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Scan Tomorrow

Man am I feeling anxious. Baby has been kicking like crazy all day today so I'm pretty confident it will at least be alive for the scan, which is something. I'd like to think it would be reassuring but I know full well that everything peachy at a scan does not mean your baby will not randomly die 3 weeks later. I don't suppose it helps that it's in the one place I really rather it wasn't. I've got scans booked there every few weeks now so I'd better get used to it.
I've finally found and booked a plasterer, who costs £170 more than the other one whose phone number we lost! Gah! I still have to wait another two weeks before we will have a functioning cooker though :(
I made a really nice stir fry tonight using the camping stove which hubby was meant to eat two hours ago...all this time he has been on his mobile phone talking to a woman who thinks she has been abducted by aliens *sigh* two hours...that better be her mobile phone bill else I am going hit the roof! These people should really be ringing metal health services or something... (did I ever mention my hubby runs a UFO group lol!)

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Doing some singing :D

I've going to meet up with a musician I knew from way back in Swansea this weekend to play some songs, I'm so excited! I've been practicing some stuff. I forgot how much I love some bands I used to listen to all the time. This song by Nightwish blew me away.....and made me cry my eyes out when I read the lyrics.

Running for her life
The dark rain from her eyes still falls
Breathtaking butterfly
Chose a dark day to leave

Save one breath for me

A Loner longing for
The cadence of her last breath

Why do I miss someone I never met?
With bated breath I lay
Sea winds brought her to me
A butterfly, mere one-day
Miracle of life
And all the poetry in the world
Finally makes sense to me

Save one death for me

A Loner longing for
Run away, run away, run away, run away
The cadence of her last breath
Run away, run away, run away, run away

Put to rest, all that's not life
Drink for beauty
And fill my blank page

Sometimes a dream turns into a dream

A Loner longing for
Run away, run away, run away, run away
The cadence of her last breath
A Loner longing for
Run away, run away, run away, run away
The cadence of her last breath
Run away, run away, run away, run away

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Amecon Performance

Ok, so this is a vid of me performing at Amecon, the first bit is the Saturday catwalk cosplay (masquerade) and the second bit is the Sunday performance thing (Omake) omg I look so funny :D

Holiday Music

I'm sitting in a chalet in West Wales chilling out, I'm listening to some old music on my old laptop which my son brought with him(I didn't believe they would have internet here lol!). It's taking me back to the time I was pregnant with my first little girl, when I was still playing in a band. I did my last gig about a week before she was born with my bass guitar balanced on top of my huge belly. It's crazy to think back to how easy I found being pregnant back then, now I struggle with removing myself from the sofa and I'm only 18 weeks. I also remember doing this gig with a guy who never wore shoes on stage, he was one of those people who just ooze coolness and I remember feeling like a right idiot next to him. He was telling us about this song he wrote which was about this time he saw a clown performing with an old overcoat, making the coat look like a real person, it looked just like he was holding hands with it, dancing with it, falling in love and being rejected by it in the end and it was really sad and poignant. I loved the story of the song and I we swapped CD's and I put it on my laptop but I've not heard it for years. It's funny how I hear new meanings in song lyrics after everything that has happened in the last few years. I googled him and it looks like he's doing really really well, doing a tour thing with Orange and his songs were used on Grey's Anatomy. Pretty cool, but I'm still always slightly jealous of people we used to do gigs with who have done really well lol! Man, last month I found out my old band just supported Jace Everette (who does the awesome song at the beginning of True Blood) and I was just gutted I was not there for it! I'm going to jam with a guy from a band we used to know in Swansea soon, with a view to doing some open mic nights or something. I've got itchy feet to get back on the stage lol!

(Extract of)Jont Whittington- When The Time Comes

When the time comes you'll be screaming in your sleep,
when the times comes you'll be driven in too deep,
when the time comes for you to make your stand,
I tell you this,
I hope you're holding real hand
I hope your holding a real hand

Do you understand the rules of the game,
you're undertaking,
you can win you can lose,
but there's no forgetting,
when the time comes

Thursday, 19 August 2010

I Would Be Motivated But

My house is currently in a state of utter destruction right now, as we are getting the electrics in the kitchen done. They are only half finished as I have to get a plasterer to finish plastering before I can get the sockets actually switched on...this is something I hadn't got to grips with and I can't find a plasterer who can come before October :S I do have another guy coming tomorrow for a quote so hopefully he can do it a bit sooner. The electrician also helpfully informed me after doing all the testing that in fact the whole house really needs rewiring, great! EVERYTHING is covered in a fine layer of dust and all the kitchen and hallway stuff is piled high in the living room. I really should be like getting up off my butt and cleaning things like a normal adult would do, but I have a cold and I'm burrowed under the mess in a little den on the sofa with a pile of tissues and can't quite motivate myself to do anything. I'm getting distracted by silly videos especially, I'm like...hmmm really should actually get some work done today ...OMG THIS VIDEO *JOY*

We saw this vid at Amecon and it's so random, seriously WTF lol!! Ahh I love it! We are all singing SMOKEY JET! at every available opportunity :D

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Back To The Real World

After an awesome weekend of not worrying about baby stuff, stage fright is a very effective method of making sure you do not have time to worry about anything else, I am back to my usual worrying self. Mostly I am seriously not looking forward to my next scan, mostly as it's going to be in THE "scan room of death" from last September. I'm imagining me freaking out and crying ect, which is what I do every time I go to the hospital anyway so I suppose they are used to me by now. But I could pay for the private version instead and miss out the wonderful joys of the room of terror. Trouble is I'm broke and can't really justify it..but then again maybe this is one of those things that credit cards were invented for. I dunno?
I've bought myself a ready packed hospital bag from Ebay, as I'm paranoid that I'm going to need it soon. I felt bad as the seller usually has it with all the new baby stuff in it too and I asked her to take it all out, which made her all upset, and then I felt like a fraud as everything is actually ok at the moment. Anyway it is a very smexy black and white polkadot bag with red trim with everything I'll need, and it's worked out cheaper than buying everything individually (link here). So if I'm going down..I'll at least be going down in style!
It's funny how even thinking about buying things is such a big deal this time. Everything is like, hmmm would this actually be useful in the event of a dead baby. I have all the premature baby clothing websites ready to roll in my bookmarks as if anything happens this time I really want some actual baby clothes instead of just a pouch or the acrylic hand knit stuff that looks like a toilet roll holder (not that I didn't appreciate those from the hospital last time, just not what I would have chosen) anyway. I have been actually attempting to learn to knit and I have made some little booties and some mittens, but they are newborn size and are currently on DD's dolls as I did not want them to be one of those "made for the baby" things that I'll be all upset about. I may try and knit some mini mini size stuff just in case, which I can always donate to the hospital in the event of everything going ok. If anyone knows any nice modern, easy (like easy enough for idiot knittings noobs) knitting patterns in prem baby size going free on the net somewhere send me the links :D

Monday, 16 August 2010


Amecon was awesome!! :D I was nearly hugged to death in my Toroto costume, I spent the whole of Saturday wearing it and it wasn't quite as bad as I imagined it would be except it took ten times as long to go anywhere as I kept get asked for photos..hehe :D I felt all famous and then felt gutted on the Sunday as no one knew it was me that was Totoro! On the Sunday I took part in the Omake which is basically a bunch of random stage performances. I decided to do a cool song from an anime called Excel Sage..which has nothing to do with Totoro at all, but I couldn't afford another costume and I was all "omg I look so fat" so I just wore my Totoro costume on stage. The cunning plan was to use my friends mobile phone with the lyrics on, as Japanese is a bitch to learn, even learning to sing it with the words in front of me took a whole week lol! Last year my cunning plan of having the lyrics on paper stuck inside my mask was foiled as once the stage lights were on it is totally pitch black inside the mask so that was an epic fail! This year I would not get caught out, oh no...the phone trick was going to work for sure. I was paranoid and kept checking it was working through the whole time we were waiting to go on stage, I must have unlocked that phone like 50 times. Of course THE second I am about to walk up on stage the phone locks in an extra special way the suddenly cannot be unlocked. I seriously do not know the lyrics well enough to sing it without them. So naturally I have a total freak out, I'm like HELLLLP who knows how to unlock a blackberry OMG OMG OMG OMG!! ARGHHH!!
Luckily they put the next person up on stage and by a miracle I find the stupid extra button, carefully hidden on top of the phone that unlocks it. I was a nervous wreck by then and shaking like a leaf, luckily I was happily covered up under the costume and didn't mess up the song half as bad as I though I would. But still, lesson learned....never. ever. go. on. stage. if you dont know the dammed lyrics!!! I nearly had a heart attack :S

I also partied hard at the disco on the Friday night, which is impressive as I am strictly in bed by 9pm at home lol! We had all our bags piled up in the middle of our dancing circle we had going on (they give you these cool free cotton bags at the con) My OH decides that he is the Conga King and jumps in. On the second pass around, with everyone is carefully avoiding our bags, but no, the Conga King does not have the time nor the sense to avoid the bags, he goes through the middle dammit! Of course the whole rest of the line follows the Conga King straight through the bags too! There are people falling and tripping everywhere and our bags are totally obliterated. Facepalm!

Friday, 13 August 2010

Getting Creative!

With one day to spare I finally got Totoro finished! I'm actually pretty pleased with how he turned out as two days ago he looked more like that scary bunny out of Donnie Darko lol! I also had a panic on as there is a ball on the last evening and of course nothing I own for this sort of thing will fit around my already enormous belly so I rustled up a 3 tier ruffled black and white bustle, which ties around, and appliqued it with red hearts. I can still fit into the petticoat from the wedding so I'll just add this and will hopefully look all Tim Burton awesomeness or at the very least I'll look as if I've made the effort. I also made a skirt and bustle for my friend too so at least I won't look like an idiot on my own. Although I was really jealous of how it looked with her corset on lol! I tried to make a cool pair of steampunk style spats too but I made them to fit over the boots then forgot that I would actually have to be able to put my feet in the boots as well. I know they are usually button fastening but I thought I'd be clever and miss out that whole step so...back to the drawing board for me! We've got to leave this evening about 6 and I've not even started packing yet, eek! Best get to it!

Monday, 9 August 2010

Weird Dreams and Why I Shouldn't Iron

I dreamt that I had the baby last night and it was the size of my palm and looked sorta like a little green lizard baby. It would go blue and stop breathing every time it went to sleep so I was trying to figure out how on earth I was going to manage a baby the would never sleep and I thought that if I went to sleep it would die as I couldn't find anyone to help me. I kept it tucked down my top in a blanket to keep it warm and was fretting about how on earth I was going to breastfeed such a tiny baby. Very strange indeed.

I had good housewifey intentions for today. As a rule I very rarely do ironing, only my hubby's work shirts get ironed as he does them himself. But I figured it would be a nice thing to have pristine clothes for once so dragged the ironing board out set the iron to go. The iron looked a bit dusty so I got a cloth to clean in and stuck my fingers right on the plate ...OMG OWWWWWWWWWW! My fingertips actually went crispy brown as I managed to burn them so bad. I knew there was a good reason for me not ironing....I'm too much of an idiot!!

Thursday, 5 August 2010

A lucky Break

Everything is going pretty well pregnancy wise...I still feel pretty good, although I am honestly wishing I could just fit a catheter over night, I seriously got up about 15 times last night lol! Went for a glucose tolerance test on Monday and all was clear which is cool. But we have been having some serious cash flow issues, OH started a new job, and is moving from weekly pay to monthly and then there was a two week delay in starting,. Which means no cash coming in for 7 weeks, no pay until September and we have no savings to pay the mortgage, bills, food, petrol, school uniforms...zip. I was seriously starting to panic about how we were going to eat as the bills were going to take our overdraft to the limit. Plus my washing machine AND tumble dryer have just broken, GAH! I checked the bank this morning expecting to see the worst and lo and behold it was still in credit!! Amazingly tax credits had randomly given us a load of money they owed us, just enough to pay the bills and to afford grub for the rest of the month HELL YEHHHHHHH!!! I cannot believe our luck!! *happy happy happy joy joy joy*

Sunday, 25 July 2010

14 Weeks

After the fuss at the hospital we decided to bite the bullet and pay for a private NT scan, luckily we have a local private maternity clinic. It was £170 but worth every penny, the scan took about 20 mins and we got a DVD of the whole thing. It was mostly to check for downs syndrome but they checked lots of other things too and luckily everything looked good, our risk for downs was the lowest they could give us. Nice to have some good news for a change! It's so different going to a private clinic, it was all fresh lilies and lovely staff, it was actually quite relaxing. Although we did have a good laugh at our old banger of a car with all the alien bumper stickers on, in the car park with all the posh cars. We watched another couple stop and actually read all our our stickers then shake their heads in horror lol!

My youngest has gone to stay with her dad and her grandparents for the summer, she's off to Butlins for a week then to Spain for a week and is going to be thoroughly spoiled. It's only been a day and miss her loads already *sob* I know I'm supposed to enjoy the peace and quiet but it's just too quiet without her. She brought home some of her work from the last year in a huge folder and I was having a browse through it all. Once of her first pieces of work in RE from the start of last year read. "The bible is all about God and Cheesus"....I totally cracked up for about half an hour, Cheesus, brilliant lol!!

Cheesus exists!