I had a little message earlier about these beautiful pictures taken in Rainbow Park, Florida. I'm speechless, this is such a wonderful kind thing to do. Things like this never usually happen to me and these have totally made my day :D (http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/)
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Blergh, I'm all full of tears again, it still creeps up and takes me by surprise now and again. I don't suppose it ever goes away does it?
I was checking my old email address and there was an email about raising money for SANDS. I'm not exactly clear on what exactly they do. I emailed them when Bella died, but I mean what are you supposed to ask? "hey my baby died...and um..yeh...I feel really sad...could you like... errr... help me out with that?" it took me about 3 days to write the email and they replied just saying that they offer support and help, but ok...um I'd like some of that support and help please. They wrote back saying I could always call the helpline....which of course I never did. What the hell are you supposed to ring up and say? I would have rung up someone would have answered and I would have burst into tears and hung up, big help that would be. So I emailed back after a while saying something about it being too difficult to call and could I have the contacts for the local group as I'd like to get involved. The nice man said he would get someone to call me instead, did they ever call, of course not. Did they ever send me the details of the local group meeting, alas no. Anyway my point is that they were about as much help as a chocolate teapot on a sunny day for me. They actually managed to add to my depression as I felt like even more like a piece of shit that even they couldn't be bothered with my pathetic self. Anyway, if they think I'll be happily raising money for them any day soon they are sadly mistaken.
Thankfully for me I discovered babyloss blogland and from reading everyone's stories I discovered that all my emotions were quite normal and that I had not actually gone insane. I discovered there is hope and felt like I was not alone in the unfairness of it all. I came across people who had it far worse than me, for whom life has been even more of a bitch to, which is sort of humbling. I've had kind words of support from women, that mean more to me than they will ever possibly know. So thank you, to all you bloggers out there xxx
I was feeling miserable and was cheered up by finding this super cute kitty, which I thought I'd share, only then I got sad again as I would love to get a kitty of my own but I'm really allergic, bah! :D
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
I've been busy planning the wedding (OMG ONLY A FEW WEEKS TO GO!) so I've not had time for much blogging. I'm sticking to my diet plan pretty well and have lost nearly half a stone, woo hoo! Still having yukky slim fast shakes for lunch and eating sensibly the rest of the time, it's boring and horrible and I hate it, but at least I'm getting results so all is well. I've decided to try doing a little bit of jogging, and my first run was last night, my legs are like "OMFG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE" today and feel all sore and wobbly. I'm trying out the Couch To 5k programme which is basically alternating running and walking until after 9 weeks when you should be able to run 5k non stop.
I took my shop to a tattoo convention at the weekend and sold lots of stuff which was cool! They also had a roller derby tournament going on all day, which looked soooo cool! I'm not entirely sure what the rules are but it was basically punk rock chicks trying to ram each other off a track..whilst on rollerskates. The outfits were also super awesome! There just so happens to be a Birmingham team who are accepting new members. Now I can't skate, I'm overweight and totally unfit, but I figure it could be a lot of fun. I figure it might be a good chance to meet some new girly friends too, I've been organising my hen do and realised I'm a total Billy No Mates, ok not totaly but a shabby show lol! I need to get out there and meet some new people! :( So once I'm back from Vegas I'm going to go to an induction session and have a go.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Oh wow I love it! We went to see Avatar in 3d in the IMAX cinema in Brum for my "brother-in-law to be"'s birthday and it was sooooo good! Then we went to see it again in the normal cinema last night too, hehe! Getting cinema vouchers for Christmas is so cool :D Everyone has to see this film the effects are just amazing and the storyline is great.
I'm currently trying the Slim Fast diet as I really need to shift some poundage so I can actually fit it my wedding corset. I'll need to lose a stone and I still have 6 weeks odd to go so I think that's pretty reasonable. I'm also trying out some slimming tablets, which probably only have the effect of removing the pounds from my wallet but what the hell lol! I have Adios Max, which is some kind of fungus extract..yum! Some Libobind (on offer in Boots) which is a fibre which is supposed to sort of soak up fat, Chromium for sugar cravings and some Holland and Barret kelp and cinder vinegar tablets. This along with my fish oil, wellwoman and now asprin tablets, I now appear to be some sort of tablet junkie. I have no idea wether any of it is working as I've not got any scales, but I do have a pair of Levis jeans which are in the biggest size they do which is like a 14, once I can fit it those I'll know I've lost a bit. Currently I can get them on but am no where near actually buttoning them up. A while back they wouldn't go past my knees, so I'm feeling pretty good about this so far. My mum has just started the Cambridge diet, which is totally hardcore, shakes and soups only but you would certainly lose some serious weight on that. I'll see how she goes and if the lard is not coming off me quick enough I might just give that a go.
Monday, 4 January 2010
So back off to the hospital this morning for more blood tests, hooray. I hate going back to that hospital as thats where I went and found out Bella had died so really not fun. I walked through the entrance with a general feeling sorry for myself thing going on. Ahead of me was some poor sod being pushed along the corridor in a bed, "well at least you are not on one of those" I thought, at least it's not that bad, hey ho. As the bed turned around to go to the lifts I saw that it was a woman and she had that totally exhausted yet totally radiant look that I instantly recognised, and tucked into her arms was a bundle that was clearly a newborn. My timing as usual..superb. I walk on barely able to see the way for welling tears and sit in the waiting room sniveling. Everyone around must have thought I was upset about having a stupid blood test and was giving me withering looks. I really wished I had a sign above me that said "please excuse - crying due to babyloss"
I'm very glad that my period also arrived yesterday a whole week early, which is odd. I've never been so relieved about not being pregnant though to be honest. After reading up on the whole Antithrombin III thing, which is not the same as Huges or APS but sort of similar, I'm realising how amazingly lucky I am to have had any living children at all. I'm also lucky not to have discovered I have it by having a heart attack or a stroke, now at least I can take medicines that will hopefully help stop any blood clots. Bella's death might just have saved my life, which is at least something I can hold onto.