The latest post is about conformation bias - this is explains a whole lot of stuff for me, it the reason why after your baby dies it seems that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD has a healthy baby, why suddenly newborns seem to pop up alarmingly almost deliberately to piss you off. (I've heard this phenomenon described as the "newborn hit squad" once which is bang on) Why suddenly you see references in so many films, songs and in the media about dead babies. Why everyone suddenly seems to be pregnant or has just had a baby, why wherever you go it feels like the whole world is just plain out to rub your face in it. I suppose it's also one of the many reasons why losing a baby is so hard to "get over"..it's like your mind has a view of how the world works from your own point of view. You get pregnant, you get given all the happy little booklets, you go to all the stores, you read all the websites, all telling you that you are most very likely to have a healthy baby. You have scans, all telling you you have a healthy baby. You feel all the kicks, of course you have a healthy happy baby. You read all the home birth stories and Ina May. News stories about the wonders of medical science and of course you are safe in a hospital that will take good care of you. Then all of sudden blam..... Of course all along there were mentions that things might not go to plan, you've heard of SANDS before, there always were the stories about things going wrong...but my conformation biased brain just filtered all that out, all I could see was blue skies up ahead. This time of course it's the other way around, all I see is dead baby stuff .....and I won't be in the slightest bit surprised in this baby dies. Funny how things work out. Of course all this wonderful knowledge is not in the least bit helpful but I suppose I feel better knowing just why things are the way they are in my head.
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Friday, 18 June 2010
I feel utterly exhausted and a bit sick.....in other words 100% normal pregnancy symptoms UTTER BLISS!! I am so so so so so happy today, my headache which has gone on for the last 4 weeks straight is GONE! As has the spinning, shaking and feeling generally dreadful.....it is wonderfully delicious to be alive today and I am appreciating every joyful moment of it :DD
So how did this amazing thing happen? Well, I wrote down a diary of how I have been feeling and I noticed that I was feeling a bit better a little while after I ate food. I also figured that how I was feeling was closest to having a really nasty hangover so I looked up what caused that feeling and went from there. So me and Dr Google got serious and I tried to find something that would explain why I would be feeling the same thing. Only thing I came up with was Hypoglycemia, low blood sugar, symptoms of which are exactly what I have been feeling like and I found reference to it being caused specifically by pregnancy as opposed to being caused Diabetes. I was like...you are effing kidding me right? Something so basic.. surely they like..checked for this? Most of the bzillion blood tests I had were after I was pregnant ...when I felt fine. I marched down to the GP on Monday and got me a blood test just to check but I've not got the results back as yet. As an experiment though I found out all the info I could online about keeping blood sugar stable and I have cut out all sugar and white flour stuff totally and I'm eating mini meals every 3 hours. I felt better on the first day and have felt better every day since. Maybe it's just a coincidence....I'm not sure..but I also don't care...I feel better :D I went to the Chiropractors this morning as well for my monthly session and voila the headache from hell was gone too, I'm gonna go next week as well as I felt so much better after. bliss bliss bliss :D
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
So I went to the consultant again today, had a scan, everything looks perfect! After all the cramping and spotting I've had in the last few days I'd convinced myself it was all going to be over anyways. Alas I still feel like total and utter shite, I resemble very closely something out of the film the living dead...it's that exact same walk that I'm doing around the place, which is frankly more than a bit embarrassing.
I had a bit of a freak out then and confessed that I'd been wondering if going ahead with this was the best thing for my health bla bla. My consultant was wonderful and gave me some short shrift straight talking which was exactly what I needed! She pretty much said I need to suck it up, get on with it, but make this the very last attempt and that whatever happens I need to get sterilised after this last try. I don't know why but I felt so much better after that, I'm like ok world this is it.... this is the stand off.... this is where I draw my line in the sand and fight and if I get shot down that is the way it is......BRING IT ON BITCH!!!!
Saturday, 5 June 2010
I don't feel any better today, but I feel alot less miserable, hooray! I went to the GP and spoke to her and she was really nice then I spoke to some other people at the clinic and they were really really nice too. I don't know why feeling a little acknowledged helps but it does. Friends have sent some nice messages too and OH is being so sweet that at least I feel very loved :D I've given up on trying to be a hero and have taken some paracetemol so things are a little more bearable without a massive headache the entire time.
I also found this refreshing Facebook group, International Dead Baby Carnival Of Suck, which is both possibly the most awesome name for a group and pretty much sums it all up for me. I do have a dark and bitter sense of humor these days and this made my day lol!
I also have too much time on my hands so I'm sharing some of todays fav videos that made me feel good:-
I love this advert-the colours are so pretty :D
This is just made of WIN...the little lego men moving on top really tickled me!
I don't know why but this guys proposal made me cry my eyes out lol! It's so lovely lol!
Friday, 4 June 2010
Things are not going so well, it's getting worse :( I can't walk properly, I can't drive, I cant cook, I can't get up the stairs, I can barely concentrate to even use the laptop or watch TV. My head is throbbing, all my muscles aching, my head is swimming and I have flashing lights and vertigo the whole time now. I've not been off the sofa for a full week now. Luckily the kids are away for half term so I don't have anyone else to worry about. I'm not coping with this at all, I feel totally trapped in my own body.
OH asked the big question last night, "is this really worth it, maybe we shouldn't do this" which led to me crying for about 3 hours. I can't bear the thought of deliberately getting rid of a baby that we so so badly want. I also can't bear the thought of being so disabled for months and months and then not having a live baby either, just last last time. We came to the conclusion that we should wait until we go back and see the professor next Wednesday and see if there is anything we can do medication wise to make me feel a bit better. Then take it from there. I'm so angry that I wasn't more careful, I knew that this could happen and that I would get so ill again. All the options I have are bad ones and I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Well the first few days of the pills went really well. I felt totally normal pregnant, bit tired and sicky and was delighted. Yesterday I did a spot of painting and was feeling really good, then suddenly the world started swimming again and I has to spend the next few hours in bed. Today I feel as rubbish as ever, and my pregnancy symptoms seem to be lessening. I'm so damn bored of being ill already, the house is a mess, the shop sale is not wrapped up yet and I have so much stuff to flippin do and all I can do is lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself with the world swirling round like I've been on a drinking binge..lovely. I can't even concentrated very long on the laptop either which would normally keep me busy for hours GAH!
I've rediscovered the wonderful folkster Seth Lakeman though who is cheering me through all this. I'm listening on Spotify so I don't even have to dig out my cd's :D