Sunday, 31 October 2010

12.5 Hour Shifts

I start my first hospital placement in just over a week and I'm so excited to actually get working in the hospital and learning stuff. The only thing that is causing me to stress a little is the fact that I will be doing 12.5 shifts, starting at 29 weeks pregnant. I've only ever done one or two other 12 hour days and I know it would knacker me out even if I was not pregnant. Even just standing around for that length of time is going to be a big challenge. I've bought one of those bump supports from Mothercare and I have to say that it is helping with my rubbishy lower back so hopefully that will help me out. I'm planning to finish this first placement which will take me up to the 3rd January, which will give me just a few weeks off before the baby comes. I'm keeping a very open mind about all this though and if it is too much I can finish early, but it does mean I have to back to uni early too. If I can finish the placement I'll start back next October, if I don't make the placement I'll have to do it again starting in July which is a huge difference!

I got the pushchair out of the attic last night as hubby was putting stuff in and I decided it may as well come down while he was up there. It's a Quinny Buzz with all the accessories in really good nick which I won for a song on Ebay. I bought it just before I had the second miscarriage at 12 weeks, I'd made the 12 weeks and totally thought that chances were everything would be fine, ahhh the good old innocent days. I can't remember how to do anything with it though so it's probably going to take from now until the baby comes to actually work out how to work the damn thing lol! My daughter has been playing putting her dolls in it all morning so we've worked out how to lay the seat back, and discovered that I have the wrong adaptors for the carrycot so back to Ebay, two tiny plastic adaptors cost flipping £20 grrr. But I also discovered that the package I have new costs £450 new so I'm feeling glad that I did put it away in the attic instead of getting rid of it :D

Friday, 29 October 2010

Day 29 and 30

Day 29 - Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
I hope I have a healthy happy baby in 12 weeks time. It would also be awesome if I have a relatively positive birth experience ...maybe even without 10 bazillion stitches this time and no one doing anything stupid or traumatic to me..I cant dream *sigh* I seriously need to lose some weight as am fatter than I have ever been and it has to change! I'll hopefully get back to roller derby and get fit too, if not I'll go back to I think 5k would actually kill me now lol! Maybe get the house organised and out of the building site stage. Get back to uni and pass with flying colours too!

Day 30 - A dream for the future

I want to do everything in the vid below, inspiring stuff lol!! Other than that I'd like to finish uni, get a job, be able to go on holiday once a year with the kids make the house all nice. Simple stuff really :D

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Day 28

Day 28- What's in your handbag/purse
I was going to uni today to collect my uniform. So I had a black rucksack, which had my folder, pencil case, library book to take back (which of course I forgot to do) wallet, fizzy water and my pass. I was hoping to return home with a uniform but there had been a mix up so I went home empty handed. I stopped off in Mothercare as I had to walk past it to get my second bus home and felt miserable that there was not a thing I could afford. Then I popped in a charity shop around the corner from the house and found an awesome load of brilliant quality like new baby clothes, 2 full carrier bags for £6, it was stuff I would have chosen from new too...hell yeh :D

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Day 26, 27

Day 26 - Your week in great detail
This week is half term so I am kicking back and relaxing but the usual thrillingly exciting week goes something like this:-
Mon-Fri. I get up at 7am and try and get in the bathroom before anyone else gets up. 7.30 I wake everyone up if they've not got up already. Sort breakfast out and pack my uni stuff. Try and figure out what DD needs for school. I'm not that great at remembering school stuff, in fact I am utterly useless. Usually there is some kind of panic from there are no socks/forgotten homework/no cookery club ingredients/no keys/mobile phone missing/no money for school dinner. Chaos is a usual morning here. Then everyone sets off about 8 o'clock..or at least everyone aims to leave then. It's all a bit complicated with one car which sometimes I have and sometimes not. So I either drive DD to school, get OH's mum to pick her up or catch the bus, DS walks. Then I have to get two buses to college or a train then a bus which is quicker but means a 20 min walk to the train station. It's all a bit complicated, especially when you are organisationally challenged like I am.

I get to uni and get studying, this I am a bit better at doing. Usually go to library for a bit and grab some lunch in the student union bar. Then it's back on a zillion buses to get home or if I'm lucky a drive back. Then I pick DD up from school/after school club/childminders and head home. Then I attempt to think of something to cook for dinner, this is usually challenging as I'm crap at organising food ahead of time and half our kitchen is in boxes in the living room. Luckily there is a Tesco 2 mins down the road so I can grab stuff if needs be. Then I tend to chill out on the laptop with everyone and attempt to referee everyone fighting over who gets the big tv/laptop/computer in the living room. It's fun though really as at least we are all together. Some nights there are guitar lessons and stuff to go to, which I hate! I usually get really tired by about 8pm, OH hates this as we always used to cuddle up and watch films/anime/tv together from 9-midnight.
Saturdays/sundays we all lie in and then I do all the washing and the housework which I have been avoiding all week, blegh. DS normally goes out skating with his friends if it's dry at the weekend. There are usually a zillion DIY tasks to get done as well or trips to the tip with the rubble from the kitchen work as we can't afford a skip lol! We are nearly through it all now and almost have a garden back :D My life is busy, stressful, unorganised and chaotic but I love it!

27- Your worst habit
This would probably be my procrastination and general laziness. I hate housework, cleaning, washing, organising all that essential jazz and avoid it where ever possible. Of course it all still needs to be done which usually means there is a bit of cycle. I get on top of everything and pretend to be a real grown up who can take care of everything. Then it all gets too much and I end up just ignoring real life stuff and rebelling, by doing lots of fun cool stuff that I want to do...until it reaches critical mass and I HAVE to do all the real life work stuff and then it's a massive huge overwhelming task. I totally cracked up at this post on Hyperbole and a half which pretty much sums it all up lol!

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Day 23, 24, 25

Day 23 - A Youtube video that makes you laugh
Ok, I have a lot of these lol!! So many to choose from!

I adore Tim Minchin and this little clip cracks me up :D (lil bit of bad language)

This one we found yesterday, this peace protestor stopped a Koran burning in the US, by nicking the Koran they were going to burn...which has now of course been made into a song ...haha love it :D

Last weekend my so called friends subjected me to a screening of "the worst film ever made" The Room. Which was truly truly the worst thing I have ever seen but was actually painfully funny because of it..again someone has autotuned it heheh :D

Day 24 - Where you live
I grew up in a bit of a rural place and always though that I would want to live in the countryside. I had my own horse through my early teens and spent all my time on the farm. I always wanted to live on a remote smallholding with mountains and animals. But I bought my first house in a tiny little semi rural village and was utterly miserable. Then I met OH and moved to Solihull, Birmingham and it turns out I love living by the city! I love that there is so much to do here, theatre, music, parks, activities, nightlife and great places to eat. I love that the schools are so much better here and there is so much more here for the kids to do. Last year we managed to scrape enough money to buy a little ex council house in a decent area and for the first time ever I feel really settled :D

Day 25 - Your day in great detail
Ok this was actually yesterday but I was too tired to post last night lol!

Woke up and kicked OH out of bed, I normally get up before him and get him up when he needs to go to work but this week is half term so I stayed in bed for an extra hour awake but snuggled up. DD has gone to stay with her Dad in Wales so there is no one to make me get up early at all. *bliss*. I spent the morning carefully avoiding putting away the vast pile of laundry that needs ironing and putting away, drinking tea and surfing the net was far more important :P
My DS needed new clothes desperately so we decided that we'd pop into town and get some shopping done. It was really nice spending the day with him as we don't get much of a chance to spend one on one time. We got some jeans, tshirts and hoodies from H&M and then treated ourselves to a Starbucks. DS wanted to go do some skateboarding with his friends so I dropped him at the skatepark and popped into Halfords to get some anti freeze spray as we got caught out by the frost this morning. I ended up buying new tyres and inner tubes for a bike we have sitting in the shed that DS could use, (I used to work as a cycles mechanic in Halfords once upon a time) as I figured that once is stops raining that could be little project for me later in the week.
I cooked a sweet and sour chicken for tea and then we chilled out in front of the telly and watched a bit of 6 Feet Under. Then over to the inlaws for a cuppa and a chat.
Great day, nice to have some time off :D

Friday, 22 October 2010

Day 20, 21, 22

Had my first exam this morning, only a mock exam so didn't panic too much about. Was well chuffed to get 100% though, hell yeh!! :D

Day 20- A hobby of yours and how it has changed since your loss
I did take up roller derby last year after Bella, which was totally awesome. You can't worry about stuff and try and stay upright on roller skates at the same time. But had to give it up since I was pregnant, hopefully I will go back some day but I figure that's going to be a challenge with a little baby, but hey :D I used to be really into contact juggling, hula hooping, fire festival type stuff but I've really lost all motivation with it all, I'll get back into one day maybe.

Day 21 - A recipe
Ok, this is an awesome recipe that everyone in my house loves. I started out with a recipe from a newspaper but I've made it better since then. It's super healthy and the kids actually eat it and ask for more!

Fairy's Balsamic Beef
Stewing beef
Chantenay carrots (awesome as you dont have to peel/chop but any carrots will do)
mushrooms (or any other random veggies you fancy)
tin of tomatoes
tube of tomato puree
1 beef stock cube (go for an MSG free one)
possibly a bit of water(..depends how many veggies you put in)
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
mixed herbs
salt and pepper

This is super easy - pre heat oven to about 160/medium heat
Throw all ingredients in a casserole pot (don't bother browning the meat and the onions, tastes just as good without bothering) make sure there is enough liquid to cover everything, sometimes I add a little water if I've put in lots of veggies. Pop in the oven for 2 hours. Serve with mash or new potatoes, I promise it's yummeh!
Also works even better in a slow cooker if you are out in the day :D

Day 22- A website that has been meaningful since your loss
I've spent lots of time online and the most helpful and meaningful websites have been those of fellow babylost mothers. It was actually really hard to find ones that were not all fluffy angels, American cheese, God bothering and generally impossible to relate to. But I have come across some blogs that are breathtakingly beautifully written, honest, I think reading about other people, going through the same kind of things, same sort of feelings helps, a kind of solidarity maybe. I think that sometimes writing stuff in a blog is so much easier than attempting to explain how you feel to real life people, where you are worried about upsetting them or letting them in on how bad you are at actually coping. If I'd not read alot of this stuff I'd have thought I was actually losing my mind, instead of thinking that actually I am pretty normal for a babylost mother. I have a few hundred on my reading list but here are some of my top super talented amazing bloggers :-
Knocked Up Knocked Down (this one kinda ended now but it's still good read)

There are also a lot of very funny websites that have been a sort of therapy almost, here are my favs:-
Hyperbole and a half - (I very nearly wet myself reading the story about the bikes, you have to read it!)

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

26 Weeks

I had another scan yesterday and everything is looking good, baby is still on the lowest centile but is growing just fine. She's turned breech, which I had suspected as she's kicking my bladder all the time lol! For the first time I managed to get through the whole thing without crying or feeling generally terrible! I ended up going really early straight from Uni so sat outside reading for a while, which I think really helped calm me down. The newborn hit squad had seemingly taken the day off which was awesome and it was mostly a clinic full of fairly newly pregnant ladies rather than those about to pop. It was all rather boring and I didn't even get a wobbly lip at any point *joy*

Oh and before I forget! Ahead of the game for once :P
Day 19 - A talent of yours
I like to sing and play guitar pretty badly :D

Monday, 18 October 2010

Day 18

Day 18 - My wedding/future wedding/past wedding

I got married to the love of my life in February this year..seems like so long ago though lol! We planned a cheap wedding and soon realised that there is no such thing when you have a fairly large family. I was randomly looking at wedding ideas online and came across a company that did a wedding package for Area 51 which I though was hysterical! Then I realised that the International UFO Congress was on just around the corner, which OH has wanted to go to since he was about 15. Then I worked out that it would still actually be cheaper to have a wedding and holiday all in one that it was to get married over here. OH actually took a bit of talking around to the idea, as he was worried about how his family would react, and yeh, they were a bit miffed about it. But they would have been disappointed anyway as there was no way we could even begin to compete with the last family wedding, which was one of those "perfect" but utterly utterly boring weddings that cost more money that an decent deposit on a house.
We planned the whole thing in less than 6 weeks and my mum made me the most perfect dress ever! We had a crazy, fun, amazing time in America and had a proper adventure that we will never forget. The wedding itself was in the Nevada desert at sunset and was more perfect that I could have ever dreamed of :D

I adore this photo of OH running towards us, outside the Little Ale'Inn, looking like something out of a movie :D

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Day 15, 16, 17

Day 15- What you like about your house?
I don't like an awful lot about my house at the moment, every wall needs repairing, every carpet needs replacing and the whole place looks like a small tornado has just stopped by. We have half a kitchen, which isn't going to go any further as we are all out of money. We also need a new bed (OH managed to crash through the slats of the bed the other night, which is a serious pain but was hysterically funny!) a few new wardrobes as one of ours looks like the leaning tower of pisa and poor DD's only has one door left hanging on lol! It's all a bit overwhelming the amount of money you need to fix anything or replace furniture.
However, I love the fact that this is our house though something which is not to be taken lightly in this day and age! This place has so much potential, I just can't wait to sort it all out and make it what it could be.

Day 16 - A song that makes you cry
This made me cry in the car the other day as the lyrics just remind me of how I feel about my OH, he really is far more awesome than I could ever give him credit for, I am so very lucky to have found him. This is Neverland by Marillion-
When the darkness takes me over
Face down, emptier than zero
Invisible you come to me
Stay beside me
Whisper to me "Here I am"
And the loneliness fades

Day 17- An art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting ect) that moves you?
I am a huge fan of the site and have found so many amazing works on there that really don't get the credit they deserve.
I love this piece called "Impossible Love"
From Frustrated Fairy
and this one called "delicate things"

Friday, 15 October 2010

Day 12, 13, 14

Ok falling behind again...only as I'm trying to learn long goddam divison and simplification of fractions (I honestly though I was ok at that stuff but I really suck!) and have spent all week trying to sort out my student bursary payments as the overdraft is about to hit the limit and then we won't be able to eat, let alone put fuel in the car or pay the childminder....student life bites!! :S

Day 12 - Something You are OCD about.
Hmm, not really the obsessive type, unless you count obsessively disliking people who play mobile phone music at the back of the bus, litter throwers, queue jumpers....oh and a new one, people who can't shut up through uni lectures. Makes me totally angry every time! RAWR!

Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss
wait.... didn't we do books already? I've not really read anything that I would say was meaningful in a long time, I've expressly avoided reading anything deep or emotional, it's all science or trash.
A book that changed my perspective of the world quite a bit and means quite a lot to me, I was given this by a friend when I was 16, is Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. A very odd little masterpiece about a family who have bred their own freak show. Deliciously dark, riveting story and there is so much commentary on psychology, human nature and other freaky stuff. I forgot about this book which should have been my favourite book of ALL time for day 4!

"It is, I suppose, the common grief of children at having to protect their parents from reality. It is bitter for the young to see what awful innocence adults grow into, that terrible vulnerability that must be sheltered from the rodent mire of childhood.
Can we blame the child for resenting the fantasy of largeness? Big, soft arms and deep voices in the dark saying, "Tell Papa, tell Mama, and we'll make it right." The child, screaming for refuge, senses how feeble a shelter the twig hut of grown-up awareness is. They claim strength, these parents, and complete sanctuary. The weeping earth itself knows how desperate is the child's need for exactly that sanctuary. How deep and sticky is the darkness of childhood, how rigid the blades of infant evil, which is unadulterated, unrestrained by the convenient cushions of age and its civilizing anesthesia.
Grownups can deal with scraped knees, dropped ice-cream cones, and lost dollies, but if they suspected the real reasons we cry they would fling us out of their arms in horrified revulsion. Yet we are small and as terrified as we are terrifying in our ferocious appetites.
We need that warm adult stupidity. Even knowing the illusion, we cry and hide in their laps, speaking only of defiled lollipops or lost bears, and getting lollipop or a toy bear'd worth of comfort. We make do with it rather than face alone the cavernous reaches of our skull for which there is no remedy, no safety, no comfort at all. We survive until, by sheer stamina, we escape into the dim innocence of our own adulthood and its forgetfulness."

Day 14- A Non-fiction book that has been meaningful to you since your loss
I have read lots of medical journals, midwifery texts and book trying to glean some kind of understanding as to what happened and why, with Isabella and the other miscarriages. But there have been no answers only more questions. I wish I could have a definite diagnosis or at least a suspicion about what could have happened. I am trying not to get too distracted by all the books on stillbirth and miscarriage in the uni library as I have enough to deal with reading what I'm supposed to be reading. Not come across anything amazing enough to be meaningful though.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Day 11

Day 11- A picture of you now and how it makes you feel.
Yeh, so I'm still crazy.... although I am now an old cynical moaning grump I do still have a sense of humour. I CAN still have fun and don't mind making a total idiot of myself now and again :D

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Day 10

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now

This is me in 1997 when I was 18. OMG this photo makes me feel so old lol!!! So much crazy stuff has happened since then, it's certainly not been boring. I would have never ever guessed just how things were going to turn out. My glasses are so huge and my hair had this terrible perm. I had really wonky teeth back then and I never ever opened my mouth to smile in photos. I can't believe that little baby is this huge teenager who is bigger than me now, he was soooooo cute back then :D

Friday, 8 October 2010

Day 8

Day 8 A photo that makes you angry/sad?
This was tough one, I have so many sad photos and looking at some of the other pictures people have posted for this day really made me have a good cry.
This photo is of me pregnant with Bella at a summer festival, totally chilled out hippy mamma.....when my biggest baby related worry was which birth pool would be most practical for a homebirth and which brand of cloth nappy to choose. I don't even recognise myself and I wish I could just rewind time and start again from that point. Funny how you don't just lose a baby you lose so much of yourself as well..

Day 7

Day 7 -A photo that makes you happy-
Me and OH being utterly stupid and taking silly photos in a very sensible conference :D

Day 6

Day 6 - 20 things that calm you? This is kinda hard...I'm not the calm type really, I can't think of 20 lol! But here are some things I do that I think are pretty calming


Visiting a museum or art gallery

Being cuddled up and warm in the house on a rainy day

lying on grass on a sunny day
reading a good book

mmm cheesecake
getting a foot rub
contact juggling

candlelit baths
Chillout music

Day 5

Ok, I'm well behind with this now, never mind!
I spent ages thinking thinking about this but I know a zillion quotes and couldn't choose one so I've gone for a song lyrics

"I can't change the world, cos trying to make a difference makes it worse,
it's just an observation I can't ignore, that people should smile more."
-Newton Faulkner

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

30 posts in (sorta) 30 days

Ok, so I'm a little late joining in with this but hey :) For details see Angie's post here

1) Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why
Hmm this one is hard as I have eclectic tastes in music and would really like one song for each genre..and then one for each mood that I'm.....but then I'd be here all day. I was a professional singer and bass guitarist in a band for many years and music has always been a huge part of my life. I've always used music like therapy, either to chill out or to go full on rage crazy to. I can think of so many beautiful, pretty songs, but this one is one that I have sang to myself while crying and hurting so bad I didn't know what to do with myself. It's angry and frustrated and yet positive and supportive all the same time, I have needed someone telling me to hold on and be strong! -Hold On by Korn

With aversion, this insertion
came so swiftly
Cut the cord, from this day forward
We'll be drifting

No direction, no affection
Watch the soul dive
You're dissected, resurrected
Still don't know why
This illness is like a monster that is
eating us alive

Hold on, be strong
So right, so wrong
With all of our senses
All of our defenses
Hold on, be strong

New arrival, our survival
still not certain
What's a virtue, where do you go to
when you're hurting?

2) Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Pan's Labyrinth - I have sooo many favourite films but this film broke my heart and filled me with wonder at the same time, it left a real impact after I saw it. It's full of magic, beauty and fantasy and the dark gritty horror of the world all bundled up into one. It's utterly utterly beautiful too. It's in Spanish though and it's such a shame that so many people have missed this film, not for the faint of heart though this is very gritty indeed in parts and has a very sad ending. This is my favourite film of all time that I have not have the courage to watch again since Bella died as I'm just too much of a big sensitive wuss.

3) Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
We've watched a few series' of 6 Feet Under which is sort of morbid but I've related to that general theme of death and loss and life still going on.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
I used to read a lot, but this last year I've hardly read anything at all although I'm currently reading Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Our house is filled with far too many book stuffed on far to few shelves and it's on my list of thing I really really need to sort out. I'm going to say my fav book, and yes this is all girly and probably a bit sad for a woman of my age but I have to say the Twilight Saga, just for pure escapism :P

Monday, 4 October 2010

24 Weeks

So I was feeling all positive and confident for 5 mins, I was like YEH we ARE going to have a baby in this house soon, of course we are! *does funky dance*. I even went crazy and bought baby stuff on Ebay, a set of 12 little lamb cotton nappies, a bundle of newborn clothes and a carry cot for our Quinny pram all at a bargain price. Of course I should have known that pride comes before a fall *sigh* I marched into the hospital for my scan with faith this afternoon, straight past the inevitable newborn hit squad, (I'm half sure they lie in wait and discharge all the newborns when they see me coming) I sat bored in the waiting room without crying, for the first time ever, even though I was waiting forever for my turn to go in.
Everything is fine and I don't need to panic just yet but the baby is measuring very small, in the lowest possible normal range, so I need to go back in two weeks to see that she is growing ok, they told me not to worry. Two weeks ago she was big for her age so of course I am now worrying, and really really wishing I had not gotten overconfident and ordered all the baby stuff. I *know* that purchasing baby items does not curse babies to instant death but my timing really sucks :(