Friday, 15 October 2010

Day 12, 13, 14

Ok falling behind again...only as I'm trying to learn long goddam divison and simplification of fractions (I honestly though I was ok at that stuff but I really suck!) and have spent all week trying to sort out my student bursary payments as the overdraft is about to hit the limit and then we won't be able to eat, let alone put fuel in the car or pay the childminder....student life bites!! :S

Day 12 - Something You are OCD about.
Hmm, not really the obsessive type, unless you count obsessively disliking things...like people who play mobile phone music at the back of the bus, litter throwers, queue jumpers....oh and a new one, people who can't shut up through uni lectures. Makes me totally angry every time! RAWR!

Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss
wait.... didn't we do books already? I've not really read anything that I would say was meaningful in a long time, I've expressly avoided reading anything deep or emotional, it's all science or trash.
A book that changed my perspective of the world quite a bit and means quite a lot to me, I was given this by a friend when I was 16, is Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. A very odd little masterpiece about a family who have bred their own freak show. Deliciously dark, riveting story and there is so much commentary on psychology, human nature and other freaky stuff. I forgot about this book which should have been my favourite book of ALL time for day 4!

"It is, I suppose, the common grief of children at having to protect their parents from reality. It is bitter for the young to see what awful innocence adults grow into, that terrible vulnerability that must be sheltered from the rodent mire of childhood.
Can we blame the child for resenting the fantasy of largeness? Big, soft arms and deep voices in the dark saying, "Tell Papa, tell Mama, and we'll make it right." The child, screaming for refuge, senses how feeble a shelter the twig hut of grown-up awareness is. They claim strength, these parents, and complete sanctuary. The weeping earth itself knows how desperate is the child's need for exactly that sanctuary. How deep and sticky is the darkness of childhood, how rigid the blades of infant evil, which is unadulterated, unrestrained by the convenient cushions of age and its civilizing anesthesia.
Grownups can deal with scraped knees, dropped ice-cream cones, and lost dollies, but if they suspected the real reasons we cry they would fling us out of their arms in horrified revulsion. Yet we are small and as terrified as we are terrifying in our ferocious appetites.
We need that warm adult stupidity. Even knowing the illusion, we cry and hide in their laps, speaking only of defiled lollipops or lost bears, and getting lollipop or a toy bear'd worth of comfort. We make do with it rather than face alone the cavernous reaches of our skull for which there is no remedy, no safety, no comfort at all. We survive until, by sheer stamina, we escape into the dim innocence of our own adulthood and its forgetfulness."


Day 14- A Non-fiction book that has been meaningful to you since your loss
I have read lots of medical journals, midwifery texts and book trying to glean some kind of understanding as to what happened and why, with Isabella and the other miscarriages. But there have been no answers only more questions. I wish I could have a definite diagnosis or at least a suspicion about what could have happened. I am trying not to get too distracted by all the books on stillbirth and miscarriage in the uni library as I have enough to deal with reading what I'm supposed to be reading. Not come across anything amazing enough to be meaningful though.

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