Sunday, 9 January 2011

Game On

So one more day to go. Today has not been too fun, I've spent most of it trying to get stuff sorted out and getting really angry with everyone for either not helping or not doing things right and just generally freaking out as nothing is quite right. The new bed never arrived so we are still sleeping on the floor and the electrics have just blown up in my daughters room and there is still no heating in the kitchen and arghhh!! I'm just so damn worried about coming home empty handed from the hospital, I just can't picture a happy ending, I can't let myself even think about it in case it's not how it ends up. I tried comforting myself with how reading stuff about how rare stillbirth/neonatal death is, which was a bad plan as 17 babies a day in the UK die every day. Now I'm no statistician but if they were the odds for winning the lottery we'd all be pretty excited. So much of the baby stuff is Isabella's and I have left it until now to actually go through everything and sort it all out ready, I almost feel bad that someone else is going to use "her stuff" So I ended up spending most of the afternoon crying my eyes out in bed which is thankfully something I've not done for a few months now. I feel better now tho and much more calm, maybe it was a good idea to just let it all out so I can just get on with everything tomorrow.

I've been having the most horrible vivid nightmares for the last few weeks, mostly just random weird stuff. But last night I was dreaming that I was about to play a game with the grim reaper, it was kinda like that bit in Bill and Ted's Bogus journey except the reaper looked more like I imagine the Terry Pratchett version, I think Binky was even hanging around in the background somewhere too. Clearly we have been playing this game for many years now and although I got cocky with the first two games which I had won, he won the next 3 in a row with effortless ease. Behind him were lots and lots of little baby coffins piled up and I was scanning them trying to find the one that looked like Isabella's. Of course now we are going to play again for the very last time. I was trying to reason with him saying that a 3 all draw would really be a nice way to end, "call it a draw and I'll call it quits", he sat back in his chair and just shook his head and said "wouldn't be any fun if it was that easy now would it". I told him there was no way he was going to win this round and I slammed my hands down on the table and screamed "bring it on!"

So game on.... game on indeed.

5 comments:

  1. so much good luck for tomorrow. i will be thinking of you all day. please do update us when you can :)

    take care xxx

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  2. Thinking of you. Remember to just try and breathe!

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  3. You will be in my thoughts today, I'll be sending birthing vibes and love, and all the good stuff. You can do this Mama!

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  4. Thinking of you!! Sending so many good thoughts your way and praying for the best possible outcome. xx

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  5. Thinking of you and hoping that everything is ok. x

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