Monday, 28 May 2012

Right where I am - 2 years. 8 months and 22 days

I'm taking part again in Angie's right where I am project 
Here is my post last year 

I'm so busy these days, uni, working, kids it's all go go. Kira is 15 months old and starting to properly toddle about the place. This week is gloriously sunny and we have spend loads of time in the garden and Kira has learnt to say "flower" or wowa, which is just super cute. She's still sleeping in a cot attached to the bed and I still find myself waking up just to check she's still breathing. I really appreciate so much still that she is with me and healthy. Last weekend we went to the Tolkien weekend at Sarehole mill and had a great time, of course I dressed up, we watched a play of The Hobbit in the Mosely Bog and Kira thought the Smaug the Dragon was hilarious.

A few weeks ago we had a letter through at last saying that Isabella's grave was now full (she is in the hospital plot with 12 other babies) and that now we can finally get a gravestone put up. As it's between us all I've paid £150 towards it, which was really tricky on a student budget but I really can't wait to have a proper stone. I've still never been to her grave as there was no marker and I didn't know exactly where it was. I feel guilty for not going. I still think about her quite a bit, her absence is still here, the little gap where she should have been. It still feels in a weird way like I left her at the hospital and forgot to bring her home with me, as though she is missing rather than dead, I can see why they use the word "lost" to describe it as that's how it feels. I still pine for her and I can still picture her so clearly, exactly how she looked, just how perfect and small she was. It's still mind boggling to me how much influence such a tiny person who was so very briefly in my life, but I don't suppose mothers evolved to forget their kids, we'd be in trouble if they did. But I'm ok with it, it's part of my story now, just a memory that is a part of me.