Monday, 28 May 2012

Right where I am - 2 years. 8 months and 22 days

I'm taking part again in Angie's right where I am project 
Here is my post last year 

I'm so busy these days, uni, working, kids it's all go go. Kira is 15 months old and starting to properly toddle about the place. This week is gloriously sunny and we have spend loads of time in the garden and Kira has learnt to say "flower" or wowa, which is just super cute. She's still sleeping in a cot attached to the bed and I still find myself waking up just to check she's still breathing. I really appreciate so much still that she is with me and healthy. Last weekend we went to the Tolkien weekend at Sarehole mill and had a great time, of course I dressed up, we watched a play of The Hobbit in the Mosely Bog and Kira thought the Smaug the Dragon was hilarious.

A few weeks ago we had a letter through at last saying that Isabella's grave was now full (she is in the hospital plot with 12 other babies) and that now we can finally get a gravestone put up. As it's between us all I've paid £150 towards it, which was really tricky on a student budget but I really can't wait to have a proper stone. I've still never been to her grave as there was no marker and I didn't know exactly where it was. I feel guilty for not going. I still think about her quite a bit, her absence is still here, the little gap where she should have been. It still feels in a weird way like I left her at the hospital and forgot to bring her home with me, as though she is missing rather than dead, I can see why they use the word "lost" to describe it as that's how it feels. I still pine for her and I can still picture her so clearly, exactly how she looked, just how perfect and small she was. It's still mind boggling to me how much influence such a tiny person who was so very briefly in my life, but I don't suppose mothers evolved to forget their kids, we'd be in trouble if they did. But I'm ok with it, it's part of my story now, just a memory that is a part of me.


  1. Lovely photo, made me smile.
    I'm glad you will soon have a marker for Kira's grave...well y'know glad isn't quite the right word, but it must be something of a relief.x

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I love the photo, and Kira is so very adorable back there in your Hobbit holder. I related so much to what you said about Isabella being missing. Somedays I think someone will knock on my door telling me they found my daughter. It is strange to understand strongly how one she is, to integrate it, and yet this weird part of my subconscious is still there, waiting for her. And the marker...both difficult and comforting to have her name written in stone, marking that she lived. I miss that with having Lucia cremated, of course, I covet those ashes, which is weird and strange too. Anyway, not to hijack. Thank you for sharing right where you are, sending love to you, as always. I need myself one of those hobbit hoods.

  4. Aw Kira is so beautiful! I'm glad that she was not intimidated by Smaug! Good girl!

    I used to dream that I had lost Georgina in the hospital somewhere. It's a strange feeling, like if I just went back and looked properly I might find her, so I could bring her home. Perhaps that is why the word 'lost' springs so easily to my fingertips although I know it irritates lots of people.

    I don't suppose mothers evolved to forget their kids, we'd be in trouble if they did Indeed, that is lovely way of looking at it.

    Remembering your little Isabella x

  5. Yes, I too find it remarkable a baby who never drew breath outside of me could have such a profound impact on my life and the lives of those around me. I too refer to her as lost, as somedays that's exactly how she feels. I know she is gone, I know it in my heart, but she's so present in my life still, that sometimes I think I really hope she is just lost, and that maybe some day, someone will find her again. I wish.
    Lovely post, gorgeous photo, beautiful Kira.

  6. So often I've felt as if I lost Charlotte. Like if I just went back to where she was born, or where she died, I would find her. Sweet picture, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing where you are.

  7. Ughh, I'm so sorry i muddled up Kira with Isabella, Stupid me. x

  8. "It still feels in a weird way like I left her at the hospital and forgot to bring her home with me, as though she is missing rather than dead, I can see why they use the word "lost" to describe it as that's how it feels."
    - Exactly.. That's so exactly how I feel, as though I just forgot to bring my son home from the hospital, and he's still there - waiting for me.
    Thank you for sharing.

  9. As someone called Merry, I need a hobbit hood too. I tried to persuade my dh to call one of our boys pippin, but he wouldn't have it.

    Lost. Yes. And exactly that about our evolved state. Grief is so explicable when you say it like that. So obvious that we would never get properly over it.

  10. I have dreams I "lost" my babies... I wake up sometimes frantic that I lost my rainbow or that he was stolen or something awful happened... then I quickly (thank God) realize that he is in the other room with my husband so that I could get some much needed sleep... slowly those scary waking moments are fading though...your words are beautiful, as is your picture. Thank you for sharing right where you are... <3

  11. Yes ... lost. Maybe that's why I sometimes feel wisps of her. She's just hiding.

    And pine. Yes, pining is exactly what we too. It's the right and perfect word for the longing.

    I know I felt a strange relief when Emma's stone was placed - I hope it is true for you too when Isabella's headstone marks her place.

  12. I realized when we drove to Portland last year that part of me thought I was going to get Teddy, as if I'd left him there and could fetch him home again. It was a very strange feeling and I'm not sure that I've completely let go of it, even now.

    Your Kira is lovely, and I'm glad she is able to laugh at dragons!

    Remembering Isabella and sending love.