Frustrated Fairytale

Been a while

2011-12-07T13:43:00.001-08:00

Not posted for what seems like an age! One, because life is pretty sweet these days and I don't feel the need to moan and two because I am super busy studying, go me! Writing essays is not so much fun as blogging tho so I'm hoping to get back in the habit.

Tonight I went to a lecture by the Wellbeing Of Women in Birmingham, they are a medical research charity and were doing this talk to get more of the cutting edge research out into the public. One of the speakers happened to be by the Professor that treated me when I was pregnant so I thought it would be good to go along. It was a really quite inspiring and fascinating lecture on some of the new research into early pregnancy. There has been some amazing work done on the uterus and it's ability to know whether or not an embryo is a viable one. The body has a 90% rate of miscarrying an embryo with chromosomal problems, which is actually pretty incredible when you think about it, how can it tell that there is something wrong? The uterus is more accurate than pretty much all the advanced screening we have available to us! If they can find out how the body normally deals with this, then it can also then look at what goes wrong when some people continually miscarry healthy embryos or fail to let them implant in the first place. There are natural killer cells in the lining of the uterus which do this job and some women with recurrent miscarriage have higher levels of these cells. The theory is that a high dose of steroids can reduce these cells and let the pregnancy continue. This is the treatment I had, which worked a treat for me! In the trials it only increased the live birth rate from 40% to 60% which means it does work but they are going back to drawing board to get it even better. Now they are going to try a mix of different drugs to see if they can make the treatment more effective and really crack the problem. This means though that no one can currently get access to trying the treatment that I had and it will take years to complete the new trial. Makes me feel very lucky indeed to have been able to have the treatment that worked for me but sort of sad that other women won't be able to benefit from it for many more years.

http://www.wellbeingofwomen.org.uk/

2 years

2011-09-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

So it's been two years since we lost Isabella and I decided to get a sky lantern and release it just like we did at her funeral. Me and DD spent yesterday decorating it with felt tip pens. I was really impressed with DD's tree design that she made, it was made from dots of different colours. I kinda copied her with my curly tree.

So this evening once Kira was in bed, we decided to release the lantern. It was kinda breezy but it stopped raining, after tipping it down pretty much all day so I figured it was now or never. We waited and our beautiful lantern raised into the air gently.

Then suddenly, the wind caught it. It started to spin around like crazy.

Then it started to dive straight towards our next door neighbours garden, then recovered and flew up over the next few house and we relaxed. But no, the wind caught it again and by this point it was really aflame. We watched as what was by now a large fireball, dove into some poor unsuspecting persons garden at high speed.

Frikkin hilarious!

We are now hiding and hoping not to get a knock on the door from an irate neighbour who has just been subjected to an airbourne arson attempt. Not what I was expecting from today at all really. Not very dignified. Story of my life I suppose lol!! But still wishing we had little Bella with us to laugh at all this crazy stuff with us.

Miss you little one xx

YEH, I'm back!!

2011-07-30T13:41:00.001-07:00

So after a technical intermission it looks like I'm back blogging :D
We've been getting on really well with the whole baby led weaning thing, and wow it is so much easier than all that pureeing and mashing. Can't help but feel smug when I'm out and about and my friends have been spending hours pureeing and freezing various combinations of random vegetables. Lazy parenting is the way forward!

We've had lots of picnics in the park, I'm loving this nice weather! Money worries are still the same old same old. We've got the big wedding coming up at the end of August and we've had to cancel the posh hotel we had booked and are going to camp instead! Camping with babies, this will certainly be fun.... My bestest friend who is the one getting married has started her own very cute blog, all about weddings and pretty things http://pursuitofthecreative.blogspot.com/
DH is on a stag do this weekend and left me this morning with about a zillion beer cans to pick up. I wouldn't usually mind so much but I've got the worst cold and a chest infection and feel like death warmed up, blergh. The whole house is a mess, it's amazing how a few days of not quite being on the ball means it rapidly desends into chaos. Everything seems so crazy difficult when all you want to do is go back to bed. Kira has luckily been super well behaved and we've spent most of the day cuddled up on the sofa. She's had a runny nose but luckily seems to not be unwell, hopefully breastfeeding is giving her some immunity.
For the first time since I moved to Birmingham 4 years ao, I've suddenly felt a little homesick. I was reading this lovely post and her house looks so much like houses I lived in back in Wales. I would kill for all that space now!! Oh, for high ceilings and wood panelling and a dining room. I used to have a huge 4 bedroom Victorian house when I had just one child, we had one bedroom as a music room and another as an office and I took it totally for granted *sigh* Now we are all squeezed in a tiny ex council house with box rooms, bad wiring and dodgy central heating. I also miss having the kind of house you can make a lot of noise in. I love to sing, and play music loud and dance like a crazy thing, and have drums and guitars, and friends over for mad parties with didgeridoos and djembes. All of that is far too uncivilised in such an urban environment as we are in now. I miss the forests and the waterfalls and even the proper torrential rain. *sigh* Maybe one day I'll take over half our tiny garden with a soundproofed garage, that would be awesome! But I'm sitting next to our drum kit which I've dragged out from the attic to sell in aid of DS having some cash over the summer as I know it's never going to able to played here.
Also I have been plagued by this one dammed chirrping cricket! I bought crickets (which our pet bearded dragon Fizzgig eats) from a different pet shop and they looked funny, all stripy instead of plain black, the guy said they were silent ones just the same so I bought a pack. But these were not at all the same, they are super jumpy, super chirrpy, escapologist crickets. They escaped from the little cricket house, and this one dammed cricket has been happily chirrping away under my kitchen cabinets for about two weeks, it's driving me slowly insane!!! I've tried everything to flush it out to no avail, I was hoping it would just die off after a bit as they usually only live for a week. But this one seems to be very happy in it's new under kitchen residence and shows no sign of slowing down and is filling our house with jungle sound effects day and night...I'm just hoping they are not ....breeding, oh man, that would be a whole new level of horror, maybe I need to get some bug spray :S

GRRRRR WHY IS BLOGGER NOT WORKING! It's deleting all my post content, boo

2011-07-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

So ..back to work

2011-06-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

I've had a call from a very lovely childminder, who is willing to charge a retainer of 16 hours per week which means that going back to Uni is back on! So I've been contemplating the changes this will mean. Kira still does not enjoy being with anyone else but me and very strongly protests even if I leave her with Daddy for a few minutes. I'm worrying a little bit and probably need to start letting Daddy have more time with her and get her used to someone else having cuddles. I'm hoping to first start going to the childminders just to have playtime, then maybe start leaving her for an hour at a time and hopefully not have too much distress by the time I'm back in full time Uni.
While I was at the local children's centre I happened to mention to one of the staff about ways to ease children into childcare. Her helpful advice was that children should be left at least an hour a day on their own so they learn independence and that you should achieve this with controlled crying. I was a bit taken aback that they were advocating leaving babies unsupervised for any length of time let alone an hour every day! I told her that that was not the sort of thing I was considering and then she told me that I would be putting my child through "torture" by leaving her with a childminder if I had not "broken her attachment". That was it and I nearly bit her head off and had to go cool down for a bit before I said something I was going to regret! I have no intention of "breaking" my childs attachment to me and I certainly will not be leaving her alone and unsupervised to cry. Now I've calmed down a little I think it must have been a personal opinion rather than some sort of policy they have, but this woman is fully trained in childcare as she was giving us examples based on her professional experience. I'm half tempted to write to the centre and suggest perhaps they need to train their staff better!
Anyway, I could rant on all day about how wrong that kind of approach is but I have to say I'm still wondering what is the best approach to take. I was lucky enough to not have to go to work with the others until they were 18 months old and they were more than happy and very ready to go with someone else by that point. But poor Kira will be 9 months old when I go back, which was the peak clingy time with my other two, the exact time they scream when you leave the room. What is the best way to ease the transition? Any suggestions for gentle way of getting her ready anyone?

Sugru

2011-06-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

Sugru is air curing silicone that you can use to repair or even make things better. I've lost count of the things around here that had to be thrown away due to snapped handles, missing knobs or other annoying plastic bits breaking or cracking. I'm really exited by this stuff, it could be so useful! Might try some out for my shoes, I have a lot of shoes that are too uncomfy to wear.

Pink Pancakes and Veggie Boxes

2011-06-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

So my quest to be more healthy and lose some weight continues.....and yes I am failing miserably, having just eaten two bagels with cheese for lunch and yesterday having whipped up home baked biscuits in a flash after finding bare cupboards. Must start getting more exercise as cutting down on yummy food is so hard :P

I still get my veg box every week and have now added some milk to my order as it's cheaper than the stuff we get from the milkman..go figure. Non homogenised so the cream goes to the top, lovely! But they only deliver on a Tuesday so still have the milkman the rest of the week. One pint was not going very far so we've switched to getting a 2 pint milk bag every day, yes a bag! You get a jug thing (called a Jug It) which has a lid which pierces the bag, actually works really well. The picture looks a bit odd, must have taken it at an angle, it isn't really so big at the top..

Last week I had leftover beetroot and decided to try something new. Half I made soup with, which I froze into little single size portions for me to eat in the day. The other half I made Pink Pancakes with, beetroot pancakes sound ikky but were actually really nice, sorta like carrot cake is nice. Recipe is from Able and Cole.

Pink Pancakes

Beetroot for breakfast may feel like sunbathing in the rain but on a really warm day!

Makes about 6 medium-sized pancakes (a perfect breakfast for 2)

1 egg
1 mug of plain white or wholewheat flour
2 heaped tsp of baking powder
¾ mug of apple juice
½ mug of finely grated raw (or cooked) beetroot
½ tsp of mix spice
Olive oil
Butter and honey, to serve

Whisk the egg until frothy. Add flour, baking powder and salt.

Pour in the apple juice. Give it all a good whisk.

Fold in the beetroot and spice.

Warm a frying pan over high heat. Brush on a bit of olive oil. Drop in dessert spoonfuls of the pancake batter into the centre of the pan.

Grab a spatula. As soon as the pancake starts to bubble up in the centre, flip it over and cook for 2 minutes or so, until cooked through. Don't be tempted to press the pancake down in the pan as it cooks as this will press out all the lovely air bubbles that make it nice and fluffy.

When all your pancakes are cooked, add a dot of butter on the top of each, and then serve with a drizzle of honey and a nice cuppa.

The batter is really bright pink!

Actually tasted really good!

Jizo

2011-06-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

I always wondered about the little figures in the Japanese film Princess Mononoke (which I love) These creepy little guys are "spirits of the forest". I've come across these trype of little figures who live on mountains by the roadside in a few different films I've seen and always wondered if they were based on some kind of cultural thing.

I just came across the Japanese Jizo Statues. In Japan Jizo is worshipped as the guardian of the spirits of miscarried, aborted or stillborn babies. I can see where the Princess Mononoke animators got the idea from. Parents place toys and offerings, or little hats and bibs by the statues asking for protection of their child's soul. Something about this idea really appeals to me. I think I may just craft a little Jizo of my own for my garden. I like that they have a cultural way of acknowledging the loss of an unborn child, it's a shame we don't do something similar here.

Mama Is

2011-06-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

Came across this brilliant little online comic with a breastfeeding/babywearing theme, and this one really struck a chord, go check it out http://www.mamaiscomic.com

WTF?!

2011-06-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

So for some reason I felt the need to google my name as there was a discussion on radio 4 about online profiles and how you may want to check out what comes up about you on google.
All looks fairly normal, Facebook, picasa the usual...and then there is this
(there was a link here to a wierd peruvian travel page with loads of my pictures and random text)

Seriously WTF? I tried emailing the website but it bounced back. Any clue as to how I can get my pictures off that site? I'm assuming it's some kind of weird bot trawler type thing ...very very odd. It's kind of scary as there are mentions of a lot of the different sites I use...creepy :S

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EDIT: sorry to anyone who clicked the link it was sending out viruses

Right Where I Am - One Year, 8 Months and 22 Days

2011-06-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Angie for initiating this project. Read more here.

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I miss her still, pure and simple. But it is more fuzzy these days, it is a sad story, a tale in the past, one that is told and retold in my head over and over. I play back my memories and the littlest things bother me. I don't remember kissing her, how could I have not kissed her! But now, at least, the replay is not on repeat, I can put it back in it's case and leave it on the shelf. But her absence pops up now and then and it bites like a dagger to the heart. The mother with a baby and toddler, a "born in 09" t-shirt in the pile of second hand clothes, her name mentioned, silly little things.

I feel my own mortality terribly these days and I am hyper aware of just how, temporary, everything is...like the sands of time are slipping straight through my fingers. I am very mindful of everything, happy moments, pretty objects, sunny days, delicious food, people I love, every little new thing Kira does. I make a very deliberate effort to find simple things to be happy about, even if it is just that nothing is going horribly wrong at this very moment, or that we have a roof over our heads. This has stopped me from going over the edge and ending up with more of the little razor blade scars I have on my arms from when I was a teenager.

I have still not visited her grave, in fact is has now been so long I wouldn't even know where it is any more. I feel terrible that we couldn't afford her a proper grave with her own headstone. She's in a space for 12 lost babies, it pains me that I don't know where she is. So much of the time I can't face the reality directly, it still feels so raw, like going there and seeing it would be just too real. I bought a little stone with her name on and I've been meaning to take it to her for over a year but can't quite bring myself to face it.

I have identical baby boxes for all my children, neatly labelled with their name and date of birth on. I have become almost scared of her box...it feels like that scene from Dune "what is in the box? .....Pain" The first thing on the top is my husbands poem to her "A Letter To My Lost Daughter" too much for me, just too much to bear to read it.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, going to all the baby groups and such, discussion always turn to how labour went and how many kids you have. Mostly I edit Bella out and I feel guilty for doing so but I can't stand the horrified looks you get and the dark atmosphere it brings when you talk about it openly, which is only as everyone can empathise with how it would have been to lose their child. There was one discussion about reduced fetal movements and going into hospital to get it checked out and how silly they felt when everything was fine, and the "oh yes I did that too, ha ha" from the group. I kept my mouth shut and felt bitter about it as I have learned to do.

I am far more cynical and impatient, trivial facebook posts about just how terrible life is irritate the hell out of me beyond belief. I have become a fundamental atheist, God talk makes me rage, those little pictures with little bible sayings, or "everything happens for a reason" type stuff. I have however retained my sense of humour, pitch black though it now may be. Actually thinking about it I really am a very strange mix of crazy happy high on life itself "look rainbows YEY!" and dark cynical "F&*K your pathetic drama" . Who knows *shrug* I lost myself and now I'm a complex mash of all my experiences..... but then again who isn't I suppose. I'm running through life, kicking and screaming, laughing and crying and almost, almost enjoying the rollercoaster again.

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P.S

Here is something that made me smile today...this guy is currently ranking number 1 in the Next Catalogue model competition, awesome! ...go vote for him :D Reality FTW!

Yummy Stuffed Courgettes with Chorizo

2011-06-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

This recipe is based on one from one of those free supermarket magazines but with a few bits added in by me. I didn't believe that courgettes could taste so good, I'm not usually a fan! There is a glut of courgettes in my veg box at the moment so I needed to find a good way of using them up. This might not be the best one for the kids though unless they are good with eating stuff like this, I know mine would all make a fuss! It's great for the odd occasion when you are on your own and uses a lot of stuff that is usually lying around in the fridge.

Large courgettes x 3 (also good with peppers or tomatoes)
olive oil
2/3 garlic cloves (I used a whole wet garlic from my veggie box)
1 large grated carrot
chopped chorizo (sausage, bacon or ham would be good too or even a pepperami)
a handful of raisins or sultanas
50g breadcrumbs
1 egg
fresh basil
fresh thyme
50g cheese

pre heat over to 200 (fan180)
boil the courgette whole for 5 mins, leave to cool a bit then cut in half lengthways. Scoop out the flesh, chop and fry it for 5 mins with the garlic. Chuck in a bowl with all the other ingredients and half of the cheese. Spoon the mixture back into the courgettes and top with the rest of the cheese. Bake for 20 mins. Enjoy :)

Babies and Bathrooms

2011-05-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my friend and her newborn twins this week. They were born at 36 weeks and my poor friend ended up with one via forceps and one via c-section, worst of both worlds. She's doing really well though and so are the babies, who are both fully breastfed and back up to their birthweight. When I arrived she was in the garden bringing in the washing and pottering about and through the baby monitor I could hear both the twins crying hysterically. Still, even now, newborns crying really just gets to me. It just caught me a little off guard and my face must have shown it. I saw my friend at the breastfeeding group a few days later and she made a comment about me thinking she was a really bad mother letting her babies cry. I feel terrible now that she thinks that I was being judgemental, I only met her after I had Kira and although I told her a little about Bella I don't think she understands at all. I wish I could explain it to her but I don't even have the words to explain that horrible knot it makes in your stomach. Then we went to the supermarket and there was a tiny tiny baby screaming there too, ak! Will I be this oversensitive around babies forever?
Today has been a lovely day though, DH was off work and it was raining and we have no money to go anywhere anyway we chilled out with Kira all day and managed to watch a little bit of a new series called Breaking Bad while she slept. It's rather good if you like drama along the lines of Dexter or Six Foot Under, I'm in love and can't wait to watch the rest! Kira has been in a lovely happy mood all day and had a bit of a monch on a strawberry earlier. I've been holding out for weaning at 6 months but she wanted to try it so bad I couldn't resist! Also managed to finish painting the bathroom floor now just gotta get some wallpaper up and it will almost look like a real bathroom lol!
This vid cheered me up too :D

Project Shit Pit - Jewellery Storage

2011-05-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

So right now my house is at a whole new low, it's messy, disorganised, undecorated and generally is not something I am proud of. It's going to be a massive task to renovate this house, especially with virtually no cash and it does not help that organizing things goes against all my instincts, I'm creative, random and messy, order is for lightweights! But alas it is so bad that I can't do any fun creative stuff as there is too much cleaning and boring work to do the whole time and it is impossible to find where I put that nice bit of fabric I bought or where the string is or a pair of scissors ...it's a nightmare. So my new task is to learn some organisational skills and make living here a little stressful. So time to put my leet DIY skills into action and sort it out! This I am calling Project Less Of A Shit Pit...Shit Pit for short.... So here is my first idea....jewellery clean up!
So my nice necklaces and stuff are shoved in a drawer, needless to say as they are hidden away I don't actually wear them. So here they are before...even if I did want one it would take a hour to untangle them.

So I got a pack of hooks from Aldi, £2.99 for a big selection pack of hooks. I found a space on the inside of my wardrobe doors that was just wasted space and decided to install some in there. First I made a pilot hole with a bradawl. If you don't have one...get one they really make life soooo much easier for all manner of DIY tasks.

Then screwed in a hook

Tip here is that when is gets tough to turn, use a pair of pliers...no blisters required.

So this is the after...organised...yeh! I can see everything and discovered I actually have some nice stuff. Also used one of those sticky pad backed clips meant for holding tea towels to hold my mini top hat.

Then I got enthusiastic and decided to do some in the kichen too. Organised scissors!

OMG I WON SOMETHING

2011-05-24T05:18:00.000-07:00

I NEVER win anything! I won a Bambino Mio swim nappy in their recommend a friend Facebook comp. My friend has won a Mio Intro Kit too. This means of course that I'm going to have to actually go swimming, DD has been nagging for a while to go, she's learnt to swim at school and wants to show off her new skills. The big question is will my fat ass fit in my old swimsuit...somehow I doubt it. No doubt this is going to mean I'm going to go swimming looking like a whale in a spray on swimsuit, fabulous.

Wreck This Journal

2011-05-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

It's strange sometimes how something you've never heard of before suddenly crops up in several places at once. I remember reading this post about conformation bias which apparently is the technical term for it...anyway I digress. I came across this cool little book that I think I'm going to buy as a gift for a friend, and then I see a blog post about the same author.

The idea ..of course, is to wreck it creatively. There is even a blog dedicated to giving you ideas and such. I love quirky things like this! Are there any other little gems like this I should know about, let me know folks!

Analytical Armadillo: breastfeeding in public is offensive - see for you...

2011-05-23T02:33:00.000-07:00

Analytical Armadillo: breastfeeding in public is offensive - see for you...:
Love this post :)

Micro Origami

2011-05-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

Something strangely mesmerising about this video of tiny origami things opening by capillary action

Flottille (detail) from Etienne Cliquet on Vimeo.

Tolkien Day Fun

2011-05-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

So I happily got my elf dress on this morning and pranced around amazed that it actually still fitted me...then I remembered that I would be needing to breastfeed all day long and that I couldn't in my dress *gutted* can't believe I didn't think of that beforehand duhhhh! So it's been packed away again, maybe next year! I managed to find a brown jaggedy edged skirt a brown top and my brown moby wrap, which all looked suitably hobbity. Kira was super cute in her little elf top. We got to see a performance of bits of the Lord Of The Rings in the forest, a battle reinactment, DD got a free henna tattoo and made a free willow headress, we looked around the working mill and had a go at archery for just £1. A really great day especially for a free event.

Spread the Aldi love

2011-05-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Tried Aldi's barbeque seasoning sachets out today for the first time and they were actually really delicious! Got some cheap chicken legs from the local shop and stuck it all in a plastic bag to coat then 45 mins in the oven. Fried some onions, garlic and cabbage and some asparagus. Lovely :D This worked out really cheap and used up lot of my veggie box veggies.

Tomorrow we are off to Tolkien weekend at Sarehole Mill and I am digging out the silly medieval dress and elf ears, I even have a lil green elf dress for Kira *geek joy* hope the weather is good!

How to do things faster

2011-05-19T13:48:00.001-07:00

I need to learn the t-shirt folding thing and the headphones trick in this vid :D

Budget 20 min Bolognese

2011-05-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

I learned this recipe from my Mum and it's a fav. This is cheap, super easy and super yummy and feeds lots of people! This feeds 4 easily.

You will need:-
Lean mince beef
Tinned chopped tomatoes
Tomato puree tube
Beef stock cube (msg free if possible)
Worcester Sauce
Onion
Garlic
Basil
Oregano
Marjoram
-or just use a mixed herbs
-or use fresh herbs from the garden
salt and pepper

Fry the onion

Then brown the beef

Add chopped and puree tomato

Add stock cube

Add a dash of Worcester sauce

Lots of garlic (fresh is better) and all the herbs

Voila!

Cover and simmer 20 mins, job done!

Poverty and Pinterest

2011-05-17T02:39:00.000-07:00

Currently we are poverty stricken, so much so that I can't afford the bus to get DD to school, but shhhhh we are not telling the school that! We've hit the overdraft limit and all the credit cards, so life has just had to stop for a little while. Fortunately we've managed to get her into a new school close by after half term so problem will be solved soon. I can't wait as to pick her up on the bus, I leave at 2pm and we don't get home until 5pm...and it costs £6.10 gah! The mornings I can't even do as the buses sail pass as they are always too packed with secondary school kids. Normally we can get a lift in the mornings but mum in law has gone on holiday. Anyway...I can't wait until we have a closer school it's going to save a fortune!!

Also getting a bit creative with food, we've switched to shopping at Aldi, and I've started getting a veg box from Riverford. Which is great as we have to eat more veg and I have to work out ways to use the random veg. Last night was beef, cabbage, carrot and asparagus stir fry. Just added garlic powder, ginger, Chinese 5 spice and soy sauce and stir fried, it was yummeh!

Also currently a bit obsessed with Pinterest. It's a pinboard you can save things you like from the net. Check mine out http://pinterest.com/frustratedfairy/ It's a great way to note craft tutorials, home ideas, clothing ect. It's invite only at the mo, give me a shout if you would like an invite :) I'm addicted, sooooo many pretty things to collect!

Paper Party Flowers Tutorial

2011-05-10T05:11:00.001-07:00

I made these flowers for Kira's naming day and they looked really great, so I thought I'd share a how-to! These are made from napkins, which are cheap and easy to get in colours to match any party theme. I used some large linen feel napkins from John Lewis for the white flowers and ordinary small ones for the purple flowers.

Take about 5/6 napkins and open them up to make a big square, then stack them together.

Concertina fold them, I remember doing this in infants school :D

When it's all folded up cut the ends into a nice rounded shape.

Tie tightly in the very centre, I used some curling ribbon in a contrasting colour.

Then separate all the layers carefully and voila!

I put the big white ones on the main table

and some more I made with two colours of purple napkins on all the tables. Didn't get a good shot of these, there were three on each table with a centrepiece of balloons, and little bags of sweetie favours, the kids had already pinched the balloons by the time of this shot lol!!

Can't wait for another party to try making some more of these! I've picked some super cheap packs of coloured napkins when I've seen them. Aldi has some really nice stripy ones at the moment :D

Kira's Naming

2011-04-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

A very lovely day was had by all :)

Her shoes arrived in time, and the ebay angora shrug that I got at the very last minute and the dress I made fitted. I also made her a little purple hair flower and a white one for me, think I may do a tutorial soon as they worked great! Also made lovely paper flower decorations (the big white ones either side of her name in the second pic) and made a helium balloon arch with the help of some very helpful friends. The weather was stunning and she managed to get through the ceremony without screaming the place down lol! The food was totally delicious and the hotel was lovely, so glad we did it!

Big Kids Little Kids

2011-03-29T05:16:00.000-07:00

All so different and I love them all fiercely. They are all so far apart that they have almost been only children. I met a mum in the local shop the other day, she had a baby the same age as Kira and a toddler just over a year old. She said how lovely it was having them so close together and I said how she must be mad and how lovely it was having mine so far apart and we laughed. As she walked away it struck me that her toddler was the same age Isabella would be now and I had one of those little pangs of jealousy, how I wish I had them both xx

Baby Naming, Super Easy Dress Tutorial (of sorts)

2011-03-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

We've decided to have a baby naming ceremony for Kira next month. Somehow it's gone from a village hall with a few sandwiches to a full blown event at a hotel with an £18 a head buffet, which we can't really afford but dammit if we are going to do it let's do it in style lol!! The lady who did Isabella's funeral is doing the ceremony for us (from the British Humanist Association) friends have written poems for us and family are travelling from all over to be there. I'm really glad to be doing it and now wish I'd done it for my other babies!

I wanted Kira to have something special to wear but seriously Christening Wear leave much to be desired! Mostly it's all froufy, frothy, frilly, generally uninteresting or just not special enough. So I've decided to make one myself *gulp* I've really no idea what I am doing and I don't have a pattern, so this is me winging it totally! I've used my wedding dress fabric which is an amazing peacock blue and lined it in the ivory silk I used for Isabella's burial pouch. Digging out that fabric for the first time was a bit emotional, last time I had that fabric in my hands was just a few days after she had died and it meant so much to try and make her something beautiful. Anyways ....on with making Kira something beautiful too.

Step 1.

I found a dress that fits nicely and drew around it onto some newspaper, adding a bit around the end for seam allowance (about 1/2 inch). Once for the back of the dress and again for the front. Then I drew around it onto the silk and then cut out one each in the blue and one each in the ivory. I'm sure pinning it is the proper way to do it but hey ho!

Step 2.

I sewed the blue and ivory pieces together leaving a small opening to turn it inside out. (my silk didn't have a right side but you'd make sure they were right sides together if there was) This means the dress is fully lined and all the edges are nice and tidy. I put my opening on one of the sides that would be sewn up together later so I didn't need to hand stitch it closed.

Step 3.

Next I put the two pieces right sides together and sewed up the sides. Alas I was a few millimeters put on the bottom, but I've got no more silk so it will have to do. Not quite sure how to get this perfect, maybe you need to measure the bits more accurately, I'd love to know how to avoid this!

Step 4

Press and admire :D

I'm going to add poppers to the straps as I, err have no idea how to use the button hole thingy on my sewing machine, and then a decorative something that looks like a button lol! I was planning on having a big blue silk flower on the dress too. But after nearly setting the living room aflame and much swearing I realised that you need synthetic silk to make the edges of silk curl with a candle. So I'm thinking of a big bow instead...which in hindsight would have been easier to attach to the dress before it was all sewn together..you live and learn folks! :D I'll make a part 2 with how I get around that!

I also bought a pair of these ballet slippers from Etsy but in ivory silk ...really hoping they arrive in time from America!

Chiropractic

2011-03-10T14:31:00.000-08:00

Wednesday Kira went to see my Chiropractor, I didn't think there were any problems but figured that it was probably a good idea to get her spine checked just in case there were any issues. Being born has got to be a big strain on the body with all the twisting and squishing. She had a thorough check over and she's perfect, so no worries there. Since I've not been able to go since Kira has been born my back has been really aching again, so it was a proper relief to get it done. All the way through the pregnancy my chiropractor spent ages waving her hands around the back of my head and hitting me with this weird mini hammer thingy...I had no clue what on earth she was doing, felt really nice though. I was totally back pain free and feeling good so I was not complaining. It was only when she was talking about the baby that she told me that was called KST. So tonight I googled it and it stands for Koren Specific Technique, the hand waving around the head bit is using the base of the skull as a yes/no system to check if anything is out of position then the little hammer thing corrects it. It's all so gentle I can't quite believe that it does anything, but it is literally the only technique she used on me all through the pregnancy, I didn't have any of the usual bone crunching stuff done, and I had no bad back pain at all. I always had really bad back pain through all the other pregnancies so it really must have done the trick. It also claims to help all manner of problems and it is true that since I started going (at 16 weeks pregnant) I felt so much better, I've not had any asthma or allergy problems and most very importantly I didn't miscarry. Of course I did have the course of prednisolone and the asprin as well so that could also explain it. But it's food for thought, I'm pretty sure it helped at the very least.

I've been trying to get started on organizing a baby naming ceremony for Kira but the most difficult thing seems to be finding a date that everyone can attend, why are all of my family such busy people!! Everyone seems to have booked holidays for May/June and later than that it starts clashing with weddings/stag/hen do's *sigh* I'm determined to have it though so maybe I will just have to have it without some people which will no doubt cause moaning.

As well as the baby naming I've got a couple of weddings coming up and I have just realised that my posh frock I thought I could wear is totally unsuitable for breastfeeding in! I've only got a few weeks now to sort out something suitable...argh! What can I wear??...help me out folks, suggestions please!

Infant Visuals

2011-03-08T04:53:00.000-08:00

Kira adores this picture I have in my living room, she stares at it and will turn her head to keep looking at it if you move her away. It's an oil painting I bought on ebay, it's an image of the Goddess of Light from the Korean MMORG Shaiya (kinda like World Of Warcraft), I've never played the game but I loved this image and it's my pride and joy! I also have the Goddess of Darkness, but I've never had the spare cash to get it mounted on a frame so it's stashed rolled up behind the sofa, must get around to sorting it!!. Anyways...I figure the reason Kira loves it is because it's on a big plain blank wall and it's the contrast between the colours that she loves so much. I had a quick look around online and found this great "infant stimulation" image that I've printed out and I'm going to stick on the wall by her changing mat. Kira has a touch of nappy rash at the moment, it's only a tiny bit but it's nasty. Health visitor says it might be thrush so she's got canesten cream and is spending lots of time kicking nappy free on her changing mat. Hopefully she will like the new art work. The rash is clearing up already since yesterday but I'm going to keep the nappy free time so we don't get it again!

All Is Well With The World

2011-03-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

So after having a big rant, peace and tranquillity has resumed in the frustratedfairy household. It's amazing how much better you feel after writing it all down, makes you think about things clearly, very cathartic. Of course not much has really changed but OH has made me the odd peace offering cup of tea and made me lunch today can't grumble at that :D It also helps that I'm totally over being ill and that I've actually got out of the house this week....maybe I was getting a bit grumpy with cabin fever. I've been to some baby groups, can't quite believe how many there are, it's not like back in Wales where they didn't really exist, there is something going on nearly every day of the week! I've met some other mums who are really nice, even though they are the Ugg booted yummy mummy type and I feel a little bit scummy compared. I've just about dragged myself out of bed and got dressed, might get a chance to wash if I'm lucky and they have somehow managed to straighten their hair and apply makeup...beats me how they manage it lol!

I've been busily selling stuff on ebay and decided to treat myself with some nice posh baby toiletries. I spent ages looking at stuff and decided to go for a little tester box to see if I like the products before buying the full size versions. I went for a box by Boo Boo, natural ingredients and all that jazz and I'm a sucker for pretty packaging , bought from feelunique.com as they have free postage and it works out less that the RRP so it's all good. I'm gonna get the big sizes now as I love them all, I really like the fact they smell of that nice baby powder smell, not all worthy aromatherapy.

Not Excactly Domestic Bliss

2011-03-01T03:48:00.000-08:00

A post like this I suppose means life is pretty sweet when I am moaning about trivial stuff like this and I am grateful really. But still! I've suddenly become aware that things have slipped into a rather bad and predictable routine. When DH and I first got together we did half of everything, I did all the cooking and then he would clean up after, we both did the washing and all the other cleaning in the house. I'm not house proud or really picky about stuff so long as the place is fairly clean and people have clean clothes I'm happy. Domestic bliss like this continued for a few years, I couldn't have been happier. But somehow over the last year, not just now when I'm off work, it has turned into FRUSTRATEDFAIRY DOES EVERYTHING. Now I can't quite figure out how this happened and now I am off work everyone in the house is taking the piss as they think I can clean up extra mess as that is obviously what I must really enjoy doing and plus I need something to keep me busy while I'm not working. DH is driving me slowly insane with the stupid stuff he does that would not be a problem if he was cleaning up his own mess. Stupid stuff like spitting toothpaste all over the taps, the sink, soap jar every day grr!!!!. He tips the little hairs from his shaver down the toilet and all over the seat and the floor. If he makes a snack he wont use a plate so there are crumbs everywhere. He drives me mad with not washing his hands properly, he always has these dirty smelly hands and then is always stroking the baby with them. So then I sound like a fishwife telling him off to go and wash them. His idea of washing hands is to literally dip a hand under the tap and then rub soap on...without even rinsing the soap off. Now I suppose this wouldn't be so annoying to non nurse types who have not had the importance of proper hand washing drummed into their brains and all the training about all the horrible germs that are on our hands. I am of course not the least bit surprised that despite proclaiming that he will be helping with baby tasks like nappy changing ect that of course not one finger has been lifted to help past day 3, especially with the release of Dead Space 3 on Playstation and especially important alien abductees needing reports writing about them *rolls eyes*.

The baby was struggling to feed a bit with a snuffly nose, she was fine but I got mastitis from the on off feeding shw was doing. I honestly thought I was going down with flu, I was running this horrible fever and felt like death warmed up and could have done with time in bed with someone bringing me hot drinks. Alas even after I went to the gp and got it diagnosed, DH came in from work with me struggling with the baby, trying to cook dinner and being really ill. Pecked me on the cheek and said "aww poor you" before settling down to play a computer game. It was all too much and I just sat on the floor of the kitchen crying. DH was totally shocked and was struggling with the concept that I might actually need some help, he honestly could not see "what my problem was" which of course led to a big argument. So then he's like well of course I will start to pull my weight bla bla bla. Am I surprised that a few days later nothing has changed? well no....but I'm getting pissed off knowing full well that there is not much I can change about it. I've been married before and had a long term relationship before this, things went exactly the same way until I eventually totally deeply resented them and it was all over. Of course suddenly ways were changed when the realisation that I really did mean it when I said things were over. But it was all too late, I couldn't change how I felt even when I really really wanted things to work out. I really don't like seeing the same pattern again as I'm in this marriage for the long term. But what to do? Put up and shut up or make a big fuss? I already feel like the "nagging wife" which I totally hate. *sigh* I just wish we could go back to helping each other out equally no questions asked, it was just the way it was. I don't know maybe that's just some sort of dream that doesn't really exist in the real world? Do I need to be more realistic?

Asleep

2011-02-16T01:07:00.000-08:00

Kira is 5 and a half weeks old already! A milestone has been reached..last night she slept in her car seat for the first time for about 20 mins and this morning she has gone to sleep in her carry cot for the first time. She's always had to be right next to me else she would wake up after 5 mins. I suppose I should feel glad, but it feels like she is growing up so quickly, she's starting not to be the totally dependent newborn any more *sob*. Poor DH is still sleeping on the sofa as Kira sleeps with me, this normally would not be a problem if it were not for DH's night terrors and sleepwalking. Which I normally take with good humour but with such little sleep going round as is, I'm none too keen to get woken up by him as well. Last time he was in the bed with us he was up at 3am screaming about a red button and slamming the floor to try and hit it, apparently he was dreaming that he had to keep the baby alive "lost style" by hitting a red button. It's quite funny but it's only as he's so worried about the baby. Luckily the sofa is really comfy and he's enjoying playing the PS3 lol!

I've also started a craft project to make a "configuration box" inspired by Tim Holtz's craft range ...which is like super expensive and way out of my league so I'm doing a charity shop version which I think is probably more fun and creative than just buying the bits. It's a like a little shelf of curios in a distressed steampunk-esque style. I found a little shelving unit for £2, some old buttons and bits of lace and I've printed out some sheets on music... I'll post piccies when it's done :)

No time to blog..

2011-02-08T09:17:00.000-08:00

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue, Lullaby, rockabye, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peek-a-boo
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby lullaby loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

From Photos 2011

Lola

2011-01-23T03:37:00.000-08:00

I've been following Wiseguy's blog since the beginning of her pregnancy as she was due only a few weeks after me. I've just heard that her precious little Lola has died...the universe is endlessly cruel. Please send love and support her way xxx

Indulging in Shopping :D

2011-01-20T04:47:00.000-08:00

I am totally skint, but what is a student overdraft for :P I've treated myself and Kira to a few really lovely things! 2 super cool breastfeeding tops from Mama Feels Good I'm so chuffed they have these in size 18 to fit me :D

I also got some lovely lovely new moisturiser, Steamcream - check out the awesome tin, rainbows dammit! it's made from lovely natural ingredients and is only £10! It's very similar to very expensive natural creams I have bought for 3 times as much

For Kira I have bought some super cute lil nappies from Babykind! This cherry one is a Tinifit AIO from Tots Bots which I'm sure will be grown out of in a few weeks but it's just sooo cute!

Also two wraps one Nature Babies in plain pink and a Weehugger in lush designer fabric :D

Just Happy :)

2011-01-19T03:31:00.000-08:00

Kira's Birth Story

2011-01-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to type this between constant breastfeeding :D [Edit : this has taken 4 days lol!]

So when Monday came I really expected to be told to come in on a different day or something but they said come straight in for 9am. We were put on a bay with 3 other women getting induced at the same time. They did some monitoring of her heart for half an hour which was nice and reassuring. Then I had a dose of a prostaglandin pessary and another half an hour of monitoring. We chilled out watching stuff on the laptop, (managed to get through almost all of the latest series of Dexter lol!). Although they had stupid signs saying that we could not plug anything in as it was theft of electricity, grr! Luckily our nice midwife let us off, we popped out for some lunch and I did lots of walking up the stairs to try and get something going but I had not so much as a twinge., By the time we got to 3 o'clock all the other ladies had gone to delivery and all I was getting was irregular tightenings. The midwife came back to do another trace on the monitor and she was positioning it just where she had been earlier and there was silence, she moved it round to the other side and still total silence. Time just stopped right then...I couldn't even breathe. She moved the monitor around and it was still silent. All I could think of is that that was the exact same thing that happened with Isabella, with the midwife saying how she'd probably just moved a bit and that she would find a heartbeat any second now. Then she moved the monitor right down low and there it was, her heartbeat happily away...I swear I have never been so relieved in all my life. I'm sure it was just for a few seconds but it felt like forever and I was really really shaken and had a bit of a cry.

All of the upset seemed to get things going though and all of a sudden I was having contractions coming every minute, so I was checked again and the midwife could break my waters. Heavy duty contractions kicked in straight away every minute and we got moved to the delivery suite for some nice gas and air. I got a gym ball to bounce away on and things were progressing pretty quickly. I got to that horrible stage where you just can't cope at all with the pain any more and was checked and I was only 6cm. I was totally gutted as I was convinced that it must be really soon. I got on the bed on all fours and hung on to the back of the bed for dear life. It seemed like forever and I was totally not coping at all. Now with all my other babies I have never had pain once I got to the pushing bit, and the contractions totally changed. This time it just didn't happen, I felt like I should be pushing but it just didn't feel right. I was in so much pain I didn't know what to do with myself. I ended up feeling like I wanted to lie down and as I turned over she finally started to make an appearance. Was so weird though as I still didn't have any pushy feeling contractions at all I had to really make an effort to push myself and she came fairly slowly. They popped her straight onto my chest after she was born, but she didn't start breathing. I was panicking so much as they were resuscitating her but she soon starting doing some proper crying after a few seconds. They handed her back and me and DH had tears in our eyes, we couldn't believe she was here at last and all ok.

Her little head was moulded all to one side so I think she was a little bit stuck for a little while which would explain why it felt so odd with her not moving down so easily. I was a bit disappointed not to have delivered her on all fours but I think the rolling over got her to turn that little bit. I got a labial tear and a second degree perineal tear which I decided not to get stitched as it was pretty small. I've found healing much more comfy than all the stitches I had with the first two babies, I got off very lightly this time! Labour didn't kick off really until 5pm and she was delivered at 9.55 so can't really grumble about that, didn't need to have anything other than the first pessary either which was awesome!

We are so so relieved that she is here and safe and well, I feel like we have just won the lottery!! I just always had the feeling that lightning could strike twice, I could never picture her being here, I'm just amazed and so grateful. For all my happiness though I remember that there were others who started this journey at the same time and never got to have their happy ending. That there were so many babies on this same say and every day that don't make it. I hold her close and fully understand just how lucky I am xxx

EPIC WIN!

2011-01-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

Tired, sore and...... blissfully, blissfully happy!

Baby Kira, born 9.55 Monday evening 6lb 13oz, live and kicking :D

Game On

2011-01-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

So one more day to go. Today has not been too fun, I've spent most of it trying to get stuff sorted out and getting really angry with everyone for either not helping or not doing things right and just generally freaking out as nothing is quite right. The new bed never arrived so we are still sleeping on the floor and the electrics have just blown up in my daughters room and there is still no heating in the kitchen and arghhh!! I'm just so damn worried about coming home empty handed from the hospital, I just can't picture a happy ending, I can't let myself even think about it in case it's not how it ends up. I tried comforting myself with how reading stuff about how rare stillbirth/neonatal death is, which was a bad plan as 17 babies a day in the UK die every day. Now I'm no statistician but if they were the odds for winning the lottery we'd all be pretty excited. So much of the baby stuff is Isabella's and I have left it until now to actually go through everything and sort it all out ready, I almost feel bad that someone else is going to use "her stuff" So I ended up spending most of the afternoon crying my eyes out in bed which is thankfully something I've not done for a few months now. I feel better now tho and much more calm, maybe it was a good idea to just let it all out so I can just get on with everything tomorrow.

I've been having the most horrible vivid nightmares for the last few weeks, mostly just random weird stuff. But last night I was dreaming that I was about to play a game with the grim reaper, it was kinda like that bit in Bill and Ted's Bogus journey except the reaper looked more like I imagine the Terry Pratchett version, I think Binky was even hanging around in the background somewhere too. Clearly we have been playing this game for many years now and although I got cocky with the first two games which I had won, he won the next 3 in a row with effortless ease. Behind him were lots and lots of little baby coffins piled up and I was scanning them trying to find the one that looked like Isabella's. Of course now we are going to play again for the very last time. I was trying to reason with him saying that a 3 all draw would really be a nice way to end, "call it a draw and I'll call it quits", he sat back in his chair and just shook his head and said "wouldn't be any fun if it was that easy now would it". I told him there was no way he was going to win this round and I slammed my hands down on the table and screamed "bring it on!"

So game on.... game on indeed.

Finished Work At Last :D

2011-01-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh, I am now attempting to put my feet up and not do anything...my last shift was on Friday and I got all my paperwork completed and signed off. I'm pretty damn proud that I made it :D

Only trouble is that the house is a total tip, it looks like a Chrismassy themed bomb has exploded so I suspect that my plan for relaxing will have to be replaced with a plan to clean this place up! Honestly it is so bad that I'm considering signing back up to Flylady.net. It's a life organisation/cleaning rota thingy that basically emails you to clean stuff up and chuck stuff out. It's great and of course it works but I get all rebellious after a bit and quit hehe! I'm like nooooo you silly fat fly freak I am not going to shine my dammed sink I am going to sit on the sofa drinking tea and surfing the net so bleeeeghhhhhh!!! But then of course the house ends up in a mess again which is always miserable. Having a half finished kitchen and bathroom does not help mind as there are still tools and kitchen doors and random half painted walls everywhere so the place looks a mess even when it is tidy. We are a long way off from babyproof!

Despite the mess I had a great Christmas, I am typing from under my new snuggly minky blanket, wearing new fluffy slipper booties...love it! I also got bought a really awesome new vintage style red kettle and toaster, which just happened to be the ones I really wanted and didn't think I was gonna get as they were expensive ones. I've had the same kettle and toaster since uni days first time around which is like 13 years ago!

So it's just one last week to go until baby time, I'm feeling super huge and tired and am trying to just enjoy this last week. Nothing has gone wrong so far but I can't help feeling like my luck will run out at some point *sigh* Baby is lying back to back at the moment which could lead to a long grumbly labour so I'm trying to spend lots of time on all fours to get her to roll around a bit. Been reading the spinning babies website a bit for tips but I'm not sure how much it really will help. I suppose the baby will come out one way or another and all I'm really hoping for is a live and kicking baby! 7 more days!

The Date Is Set

2010-12-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

I'm still hanging on in there in work, although I am so tired and really wish I could knock it on the head already. But still there are only 5 more shifts to go, and it means I don't have to go back until next October hopefully so should be worth it. The hospital is very busy at the moment as you can imagine with swine flu and broken limbs from people falling in the snow. I'm feeling very glad that I chose to have my flu vaccine! As it's so busy we are having patients from all over the place as they are fitting them in wherever they can. Last shift we even had a gyne patient, 6 weeks pregnant in with severe morning sickness. She was very thin anyways and probably didn't eat very much at the best of times and she had ketones in her urine which is not a good sign. I was with her when they examined her and could clearly see the stretch marks from a previous pregnancy, she was really anxious and I saw her looking at me and looking away. I had a suspicion and read back a little bit in her notes and she had had a stillbirth 3 years before, her first baby. I felt so so bad for being so obviously pregnant and being the one looking after her, I know all too well how harsh it is being around heavily pregnant people. I chatted with her a little later on and found out that the current baby is as a result or their first round of IVF and she asked me about my baby, the usual chit chat. I so wanted to say how sorry I was for her loss and that I had lost a baby too and that I understood how anxious she was, but I just couldn't figure a way to bring it up. Two of the other nurses on my ward have suffered losses too, one lost 2 at 6 months due to an incompetent cervix and another lost a baby to anencephaly. I never would have known about that but of course people ask why I am still having scans and stuff, it's amazing how many people have lost babies and how little it is talked about unless the topic crops up.

In other news, I had my last scan and baby is looking happy and healthy at the moment :D The consultant was like "so when do you want to have this baby?" and I said as soon as it is safe to! So I am booked in for induction at 38 weeks...10th January, which is just 3 weeks away..omg! I'm happy but nervous and pretty much counting down the hours now!!! Just gotta make 3 more weeks *deep breath*

It's just a cold lol!

2010-12-16T12:21:00.001-08:00

So after having the whole day panicking about the whole auto immune illness coming back I started sneezing and sniffling, it's just a cold, *whew* never has anyone been so pleased to get a cold :D I still feel like crap though and spent most of today wishing I was in bed with a nice hot honey and lemon but ended up having to drag myself out of bed to get DD to school then watch the school play..then once home get back on the bus to the school in the afternoon in a snow blizzard, walk for half an hour in said snow blizzard, watch dance club performance then wait for a taxi for 20 minutes outside in subzero temperatures. None of this would have been a problem if I'd have had a car today but typically at the last minute did we find out OH needed to take it to work (OH car shares). I called in sick to work today but honestly I think I would have been better going in, at least it is warm and dry there, meh!

A Bad Day

2010-12-15T02:46:00.000-08:00

Well after feeling so good for so long and getting through the nightshifts unscathed, I woke up today feeling pretty awful. By the time I got to work I was feeling even worse and as soon as I got through the door, people were like "are you ok, you don't look so good". It's the same old, weird trippy feeling, high heart rate, weird visual stuff going, muscles feel all weak and horrible. The nice thing about working at the hospital is that the maternity ward is right there so I went straight over to get checked out. It was kind of hard trying to explain over the buzzer why I was there as I was sobbing so much by the time I got there, plus I have managed to lose my green maternity notes and this is the first time I have ever gone to work without them, typical!!! I was hooked up to the monitor and everything with the baby seems fine, she had been worryingly quiet this morning but woke straight up and starting bouncing round like crazy once I was hooked up..I was sooo relieved. I spoke to the Dr and stuff and they took some blood, but they said everything looks fine and that I was fine to go home. I can't help but worry though, it's never been a good thing when I feel like this. I'm also thinking that maybe I should just stop working now and just rest these last few weeks, but that means that I will have worked all this time for totally nothing and I'll fail the placement which will royally suck after all this hard work! I'll have to do the whole thing again from scratch starting next July, instead of going back into uni next October *sigh*.

Anyway I went home about as miserable as can be but I got home to find a package for me, with the most adorable knitted pixie hat in it. Thank you so much Jeanette, it really was lovely to come home and find something so sweet, I really appreciate it so much, it was like getting a hug in the post xxx I'm cuddled up on the sofa now with my feet up and a cup of tea and feeling a bit better :)

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

2010-12-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to finally take some photo's of me pregnant for a while now, but I keep putting it off...just in case, last time we took loads of photos and it was so not fun looking back at them all. But anyway...

I just came across this post and at first I was like awww but all pregnancy photo's are nice in their own way...then I was like ok I give these are too funny!! Especially this one lol!!

The Healing Power Of Cigarettes!

2010-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

I'm totally tired after 3 12.5 hour nightshifts, but they were actually not as bad a day shift..I actually got to sit down for a while! Mostly all the patients are lovely, so many are being so brave even though they are going through so much. However not all of them are pleasant..this weekend we had a young guy, maybe 25, 6ft 4, really fit and healthy other than a broken leg in plaster. Our ward is not really meant for this type of patient but there was no where else for him to go. He kept us busy the whole night complaining about everything and anything, his phone kept going off keeping all the other patients awake and we were fetching him bottles and bedpans as he couldn't walk. Then he started complaining that no one was taking him in a wheelchair out for a cigarette and I explained that we didn't have any and the staff were not able to take him off the ward for that purpose. Then Lo and Behold up he gets grabs his crutches and speeds off the ward, down 2 floors and and all the way out of the hospital just to have a cigarette...a miraculous recovery! Later in the morning, I was already running late home as it was so busy with poorly people, I had my coat on and was just grabbing my handbag when he spots me and cries..."nurse, nurse help me!" so I drop everything and rush over to him. He decides he needs a bottle to go to toilet again, so I take off my coat and trudge around sorting it out. So there I am..clearly 8 months pregnant, 13 hours into a shift which I'm not even getting paid for, fucking exhausted, running around after someone who was perfectly capable of getting to the loo himself and wouldn't even say thank you. GRRRRRRR! I was so so pissed off with this guy!! Luckily when I got back in for the next shift he'd tried the same trick the day staff and they had very firmly told him that if he was capable of going all the way outside for a cigarette then he was more than capable of getting across the hall to the toilet.

We also had another patient having a total freak out at one of the poor nurses over the fact we did not have full scale catering in the middle of the night, he'd missed the evening meal as he was in theatre, she'd offered him tea and toast and a sandwich but apparently this was not to his taste, he insisted on a full hot cooked dinner at 1am. He started screaming at his nurse who was preparing urgent pain relief medication for a cancer patient that he was once the boss of (a well known TV programme) and was going to expose us for this dreadful state of affairs.....omg nurse hold the phone, stop worrying about the pain relief for the cancer patients and get in the kitchen and cook this VIP a dinner! What a twat! She didn't say a word back either just took the abuse and apologised until he finally stormed back to his bed. I see that I am going to have to grow a very thick skin if I am to do this job, the poor nurses are working in possibly the most frustrating environment I have ever been in.

Cherry On Top

2010-12-07T02:33:00.000-08:00

YEY! I got one of those bloggy award thingies, I never win anything, so this is coool, thank you very much Sadkitty

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

Here are my nominations for super talented bloggers:-

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I'm currently busy with a project to scan all my childhood photographs, and any of the kids photo's that pre-date digital. I've always been paranoid that the house will burn down or flood or something weird will happen and I will loose all my memories. I've also always kept select pictures the kids have done all the cards they have made for me and I've scanned those too. I'm storing them all online in my google Picasa account so they will be safe come hell or high water...hopefully!

I am also busy being irritated by people not checking things out before forwarding them on or posting them all over Facebook. First we had a so called campaign to "help" the NSPCC by changing your facebook picture to a cartoon character...errr exactly HOW is that going to help anyone, it's a hoax. Then everyone freaking out as it's suddenly a pedophile campaign which of course is a hoax too. I've also been "helpfully" forwarded emails about various scams and even one about calling 112 instead of 999 in an emergency if you have no phone signal, which of course is not the case. It drives me mad that people don't check anything out before forwarding it on..I've never come across one of these stupid posts that is not a hoax. FFS... learn to use Google people!!!

My New Favourite Christmas Song

2010-12-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

You know what, despite being a serious athiest, I really do love Christmas! My mum was never religious so it's always been about family and friends, good food, good company and of course lots of gifts. I adore the decorations, the lights, the bad TV, the lovely atmosphere, the cooking and most of all I love how excited the kids get. Last year Christmas really sucked though, I can't remember much about it really apart from concentrating very hard on having lots to do, I cooked for 8 on Christmas day, just so I wouldn't have any time to think about missing babies. This year I'm hoping to relax and try and enjoy it a bit more.

I just found this song by the wonderful Tim Minchin, who is in Birmingham next week and I am very very upset about not being able to go see due to lack of cash and working *sob* This is my new found favourite Christmas song despite it making me cry for at least 10 minutes after listening to it

4lb 12oz

2010-11-30T01:23:00.001-08:00

is the current estimate on how big this lil baby is :D I had another scan yesterday and all is looking fine. It's strange having a scan so late in pregnancy, she is so big now that she won't fit on the screen all in one go. She also had hiccups while they were trying to measure her tummy which was cute!

I also had a chance to chat about delivery with the very lovely midwife from the miscarriage clinic, very good timing that she happened to be there. I will have the option of booking an induction at 39 weeks, but that it is up to me. Now, to be fair the idea of being booked in is actually sort of soothing, it would means no mad rush to hospital, no worrying about trying to get in the damn place in the middle of the night, childcare can be sorted out beforehand and hopefully there would be a bed and enough midwives ect. But also there is part of me that still wishes I could do the whole thing naturally and the midwife also said that I could wait for labour naturally and go to the midwife unit instead. But to be fair I don't think that I would have the patience to sit around waiting (and worrying) for that long. So I have one last scan in 4 weeks and an appointment with the consultant to make a plan for the birth.

Whilst I was waiting before the scan there was a woman making a huge fuss about the fact that she'd just found out she was having a girl when she wanted a boy. She was making a big show of it to her husband and mother about just how "really pissed off" she was, shouting at him and generally being vile. In the other corner of the room was this tiny little asian lady who had just come back from having a scan and she had that thousand mile stare that says the news has not been good. I totally wanted to go up to the lady who was "pissed off" about having a perfectly healthy baby and just point out that not everyone in the room had not just had such good news, that the sex of the baby was probably the last thing on the list she should be worrying about and that she should STFU! I bit my tongue with effort and pondered how foolish people are to worry and be upset about things that really do not matter and reflected on the fact that I should also not bother worrying about stuff that really does not matter either. It really does not matter the hows and wherefores of how I have this baby, so long as she arrives safely, which I truly truly hope that she does xxx

Birth Anxiety

2010-11-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

I'm going into worry overdrive about where to have this baby. I was chatting with one of the senior nurses in our surgical admissions team who previously spent 20 years working on the surgical maternity ward in the hospital I am booked for. I mentioned that I was anxious after a previous bad experience and that although I'm not really bothered about most things, I really wanted things to be evidence based/best practice. "Ha!" she declared, "oh gosh I don't go for all that evidence based stuff, what a load of rubbish. I've been delivering babies 20 years and I pay no attention to any of it" I was just left open mouthed, in stunned silence ...followed by terror. This is a highly senior nurse practitioner telling me this WTF! I'm so afraid that I'm going to be in the care of a bunch of numpties!! I swear if there was any way to afford or obtain private care I would be on the phone right now booking myself in, but alas outside of London there is just nothing at all no matter how much cash you can flash. I do want to be in a hospital with all emergency care on standby just in case, but man oh man do I wish I was having a home birth, with a nice team of midwives who I know. I'm on flippin Asprin therapy still and am at high risk of bleeding after the birth, I do not want to be left alone again with a retained placenta until I pluck up the guts to pull it out my damn self.

*sigh* I don't think there is honestly anything I can do about it though so I think I am just going to have to deal with it.

I'm going to distract myself with trashy trashy TV, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...I can't stand that Gillian...so of course I love it :D

30 weeks

2010-11-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

10 more to go! I actually went out and bought some baby clothes today without having a big dilemma about it either. Today I was having one of those days where you feel like you've ballooned overnight, where did all this belly come from all of a sudden? I've started to do the waddling walk and everything lol!

I did another long 12.5 shift on Tuesday and I ended up having a bit of a cry when I got home. I was looking after a lovely patient with a pretty horrific cancer and it was so sad knowing that he is not going to last much longer and that he is suffering so much, he was in such a bad way but still a very sweet old guy and his family were lovely too. They were talking to him about how much he has to "get better" in time to come home for Christmas and stuff, but it is just not going to happen at all, so so sad. We had this patient and one other who were expecting to go to theatre or get treatment and just found out that there was now nothing more that could be done for them. So many of the patients are in a similar boat but at an earlier stage and it all got a bit much thinking about how fragile life is and what could lay ahead for me or one of my friends or family. I think this I way I'd really like to work in Theatres instead of on the wards, at least there you are always doing something positive that could really help rather than being all helpless to do anything other than make them comfortable. Plus I don't suppose you have a chance to get to know the patients so much as when you are caring for them on the wards which would mean I wouldn't get so attached and upset. I've got 6 more weeks of this though so I think I need to grow a thicker skin.

Grateful

2010-11-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

After two days of working 12.5 hours shifts, I am really enjoying having my feet up today! Seriously, I think most of the nurses I worked with are in fact robots, as they don't drink, pee or sit down at all in 12.5 hours, I'm surprised how well I did though :D As well as feeling glad to be sitting down, I am also grateful that I don't have to breathe through a tube in my throat or eat through a tube in my stomach, that my bed is quiet and comfortable and that I don't have to have any surgery any time soon. I do really feel for all those poor patients stuck back on the ward. I learned so so much in the first two days and did get thrown in the deep end a bit..which was great! I'd assumed I'd be just making beds and doing observations but I got to take some surgical staples out, give an injection and take out Venflons (those tubes they put in a vein in your hand) Also watched the nurses doing all the really technical stuff...and boy is there a lot to learn. The paperwork is mountainous, confusing and illogical, is in ten different places and ten different computer systems, it is going to take forever to get the hang of! It's also annoying that the nurses have such a complex paperwork system to deal with that is so time consuming and wasteful. One day maybe they will get a nice online system and each nurse could just have a little handheld computer..you could just log into a patients details, drug charts, obs chart, feeding chart, weight chart, fluid chart, falls risk chart, notes all in one place! It's pretty amazing that Google has all the software I need, for free, that works beautifully, all joined up, yet a huge organization like the NHS which spends millions on IT can't have a decent system, it was honestly just like my old DOS computer. They had at least 5 different things they had to log into on different computers all with different passwords..just crazy. I dunno, maybe one day I'll invent a system and get my database hubby to build it and we can make a mint :D

Isabella's Things

2010-11-02T02:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at my mother in laws she mentioned all the baby stuff that was in their garage. I though I may as well pluck up the courage to take it all home whilst we were on the subject. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, it didn't really upset me as much as I thought it would. I'd forgotten just how much stuff I had bought though!! It's sort of awesome as it's all stuff there is no way I could afford to buy this time around being a poverty stricken student. It was sort of like Christmas, opening all this beautiful stuff...and damn I had good taste :D I have a purple corduroy Wilkinet baby carrier, 4 pastel coloured Fuzzi Funz Nappies, 2 Tots Tots lilac spot covers, 1 pack of rainbow Tots Bots, a whole set of Bambino Mio newborn nappies, 4 packs of size 2 Bambino Mio nappies,pink fleece nappy wrap, 2 packs of washable baby wipes and spray solution, fleece nappy liners, purple Tots Bots waterproof nappy bag, pastel pink nappy bucket, some super cute baby clothes, handmade bandana bibs and even an super posh aromatherapy labour kit. The only trouble is that it seems I have enough nappies for about 3 babies, as I've been buying nappies on Ebay this time around too lol!

I also had another growth scan yesterday and everything is looking good!! Baby is looking around 2lb 12oz which is a whole 1lb more than two weeks ago. She's also flipped from breech to head down which is good as I've been doing those handstands from that Spinning Babies website. This all means they don't want to see me for 4 weeks. Also popped to see the ward I will be working on next week while I was at the hospital and people there seemed nice and it didn't look too crazy busy, which is good!

I have a day off uni today and suddenly all this baby stuff around feels really weird, I feel very much like someone who is pretending to be pregnant. Like a crazy lady buying baby stuff for a reborn doll or something. It's all a bit odd.

12.5 Hour Shifts

2010-10-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

I start my first hospital placement in just over a week and I'm so excited to actually get working in the hospital and learning stuff. The only thing that is causing me to stress a little is the fact that I will be doing 12.5 shifts, starting at 29 weeks pregnant. I've only ever done one or two other 12 hour days and I know it would knacker me out even if I was not pregnant. Even just standing around for that length of time is going to be a big challenge. I've bought one of those bump supports from Mothercare and I have to say that it is helping with my rubbishy lower back so hopefully that will help me out. I'm planning to finish this first placement which will take me up to the 3rd January, which will give me just a few weeks off before the baby comes. I'm keeping a very open mind about all this though and if it is too much I can finish early, but it does mean I have to back to uni early too. If I can finish the placement I'll start back next October, if I don't make the placement I'll have to do it again starting in July which is a huge difference!

I got the pushchair out of the attic last night as hubby was putting stuff in and I decided it may as well come down while he was up there. It's a Quinny Buzz with all the accessories in really good nick which I won for a song on Ebay. I bought it just before I had the second miscarriage at 12 weeks, I'd made the 12 weeks and totally thought that chances were everything would be fine, ahhh the good old innocent days. I can't remember how to do anything with it though so it's probably going to take from now until the baby comes to actually work out how to work the damn thing lol! My daughter has been playing putting her dolls in it all morning so we've worked out how to lay the seat back, and discovered that I have the wrong adaptors for the carrycot so back to Ebay, two tiny plastic adaptors cost flipping £20 grrr. But I also discovered that the package I have new costs £450 new so I'm feeling glad that I did put it away in the attic instead of getting rid of it :D

Day 29 and 30

2010-10-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Day 29 - Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

I hope I have a healthy happy baby in 12 weeks time. It would also be awesome if I have a relatively positive birth experience ...maybe even without 10 bazillion stitches this time and no one doing anything stupid or traumatic to me..I cant dream *sigh* I seriously need to lose some weight as am fatter than I have ever been and it has to change! I'll hopefully get back to roller derby and get fit too, if not I'll go back to jogging...wow I think 5k would actually kill me now lol! Maybe get the house organised and out of the building site stage. Get back to uni and pass with flying colours too!

Day 30 - A dream for the future

I want to do everything in the vid below, inspiring stuff lol!! Other than that I'd like to finish uni, get a job, be able to go on holiday once a year with the kids make the house all nice. Simple stuff really :D

Day 28

2010-10-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Day 28- What's in your handbag/purse

I was going to uni today to collect my uniform. So I had a black rucksack, which had my folder, pencil case, library book to take back (which of course I forgot to do) wallet, fizzy water and my pass. I was hoping to return home with a uniform but there had been a mix up so I went home empty handed. I stopped off in Mothercare as I had to walk past it to get my second bus home and felt miserable that there was not a thing I could afford. Then I popped in a charity shop around the corner from the house and found an awesome load of brilliant quality like new baby clothes, 2 full carrier bags for £6, it was stuff I would have chosen from new too...hell yeh :D

Day 26, 27

2010-10-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

Day 26 - Your week in great detail

This week is half term so I am kicking back and relaxing but the usual thrillingly exciting week goes something like this:-

Mon-Fri. I get up at 7am and try and get in the bathroom before anyone else gets up. 7.30 I wake everyone up if they've not got up already. Sort breakfast out and pack my uni stuff. Try and figure out what DD needs for school. I'm not that great at remembering school stuff, in fact I am utterly useless. Usually there is some kind of panic from someone...like there are no socks/forgotten homework/no cookery club ingredients/no keys/mobile phone missing/no money for school dinner. Chaos is a usual morning here. Then everyone sets off about 8 o'clock..or at least everyone aims to leave then. It's all a bit complicated with one car which sometimes I have and sometimes not. So I either drive DD to school, get OH's mum to pick her up or catch the bus, DS walks. Then I have to get two buses to college or a train then a bus which is quicker but means a 20 min walk to the train station. It's all a bit complicated, especially when you are organisationally challenged like I am.

I get to uni and get studying, this I am a bit better at doing. Usually go to library for a bit and grab some lunch in the student union bar. Then it's back on a zillion buses to get home or if I'm lucky a drive back. Then I pick DD up from school/after school club/childminders and head home. Then I attempt to think of something to cook for dinner, this is usually challenging as I'm crap at organising food ahead of time and half our kitchen is in boxes in the living room. Luckily there is a Tesco 2 mins down the road so I can grab stuff if needs be. Then I tend to chill out on the laptop with everyone and attempt to referee everyone fighting over who gets the big tv/laptop/computer in the living room. It's fun though really as at least we are all together. Some nights there are guitar lessons and stuff to go to, which I hate! I usually get really tired by about 8pm, OH hates this as we always used to cuddle up and watch films/anime/tv together from 9-midnight.

Saturdays/sundays we all lie in and then I do all the washing and the housework which I have been avoiding all week, blegh. DS normally goes out skating with his friends if it's dry at the weekend. There are usually a zillion DIY tasks to get done as well or trips to the tip with the rubble from the kitchen work as we can't afford a skip lol! We are nearly through it all now and almost have a garden back :D My life is busy, stressful, unorganised and chaotic but I love it!

27- Your worst habit

This would probably be my procrastination and general laziness. I hate housework, cleaning, washing, organising all that essential jazz and avoid it where ever possible. Of course it all still needs to be done which usually means there is a bit of cycle. I get on top of everything and pretend to be a real grown up who can take care of everything. Then it all gets too much and I end up just ignoring real life stuff and rebelling, by doing lots of fun cool stuff that I want to do...until it reaches critical mass and I HAVE to do all the real life work stuff and then it's a massive huge overwhelming task. I totally cracked up at this post on Hyperbole and a half which pretty much sums it all up lol!

From Frustrated Fairy

Day 23, 24, 25

2010-10-26T01:01:00.000-07:00

Day 23 - A Youtube video that makes you laugh

Ok, I have a lot of these lol!! So many to choose from!

I adore Tim Minchin and this little clip cracks me up :D (lil bit of bad language)

This one we found yesterday, this peace protestor stopped a Koran burning in the US, by nicking the Koran they were going to burn...which has now of course been made into a song ...haha love it :D

Last weekend my so called friends subjected me to a screening of "the worst film ever made" The Room. Which was truly truly the worst thing I have ever seen but was actually painfully funny because of it..again someone has autotuned it heheh :D

Day 24 - Where you live

I grew up in a bit of a rural place and always though that I would want to live in the countryside. I had my own horse through my early teens and spent all my time on the farm. I always wanted to live on a remote smallholding with mountains and animals. But I bought my first house in a tiny little semi rural village and was utterly miserable. Then I met OH and moved to Solihull, Birmingham and it turns out I love living by the city! I love that there is so much to do here, theatre, music, parks, activities, nightlife and great places to eat. I love that the schools are so much better here and there is so much more here for the kids to do. Last year we managed to scrape enough money to buy a little ex council house in a decent area and for the first time ever I feel really settled :D

Day 25 - Your day in great detail

Ok this was actually yesterday but I was too tired to post last night lol!

Woke up and kicked OH out of bed, I normally get up before him and get him up when he needs to go to work but this week is half term so I stayed in bed for an extra hour awake but snuggled up. DD has gone to stay with her Dad in Wales so there is no one to make me get up early at all. *bliss*. I spent the morning carefully avoiding putting away the vast pile of laundry that needs ironing and putting away, drinking tea and surfing the net was far more important :P

My DS needed new clothes desperately so we decided that we'd pop into town and get some shopping done. It was really nice spending the day with him as we don't get much of a chance to spend one on one time. We got some jeans, tshirts and hoodies from H&M and then treated ourselves to a Starbucks. DS wanted to go do some skateboarding with his friends so I dropped him at the skatepark and popped into Halfords to get some anti freeze spray as we got caught out by the frost this morning. I ended up buying new tyres and inner tubes for a bike we have sitting in the shed that DS could use, (I used to work as a cycles mechanic in Halfords once upon a time) as I figured that once is stops raining that could be little project for me later in the week.

I cooked a sweet and sour chicken for tea and then we chilled out in front of the telly and watched a bit of 6 Feet Under. Then over to the inlaws for a cuppa and a chat.

Great day, nice to have some time off :D

Day 20, 21, 22

2010-10-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

Had my first exam this morning, only a mock exam so didn't panic too much about. Was well chuffed to get 100% though, hell yeh!! :D

Day 20- A hobby of yours and how it has changed since your loss

I did take up roller derby last year after Bella, which was totally awesome. You can't worry about stuff and try and stay upright on roller skates at the same time. But had to give it up since I was pregnant, hopefully I will go back some day but I figure that's going to be a challenge with a little baby, but hey :D I used to be really into contact juggling, hula hooping, fire poi....fun festival type stuff but I've really lost all motivation with it all, I'll get back into one day maybe.

Day 21 - A recipe

Ok, this is an awesome recipe that everyone in my house loves. I started out with a recipe from a newspaper but I've made it better since then. It's super healthy and the kids actually eat it and ask for more!

Fairy's Balsamic Beef

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Stewing beef

onions

Chantenay carrots (awesome as you dont have to peel/chop but any carrots will do)

mushrooms (or any other random veggies you fancy)

tin of tomatoes

tube of tomato puree

1 beef stock cube (go for an MSG free one)

possibly a bit of water(..depends how many veggies you put in)

3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

mixed herbs

salt and pepper

This is super easy - pre heat oven to about 160/medium heat

Throw all ingredients in a casserole pot (don't bother browning the meat and the onions, tastes just as good without bothering) make sure there is enough liquid to cover everything, sometimes I add a little water if I've put in lots of veggies. Pop in the oven for 2 hours. Serve with mash or new potatoes, I promise it's yummeh!

Also works even better in a slow cooker if you are out in the day :D

Day 22- A website that has been meaningful since your loss

I've spent lots of time online and the most helpful and meaningful websites have been those of fellow babylost mothers. It was actually really hard to find ones that were not all fluffy angels, American cheese, God bothering and generally impossible to relate to. But I have come across some blogs that are breathtakingly beautifully written, honest, I think reading about other people, going through the same kind of things, same sort of feelings helps, a kind of solidarity maybe. I think that sometimes writing stuff in a blog is so much easier than attempting to explain how you feel to real life people, where you are worried about upsetting them or letting them in on how bad you are at actually coping. If I'd not read alot of this stuff I'd have thought I was actually losing my mind, instead of thinking that actually I am pretty normal for a babylost mother. I have a few hundred on my reading list but here are some of my top super talented amazing bloggers :-

The Nature Of Balloons

Daily Amos

Knocked Up Knocked Down (this one kinda ended now but it's still good read)

There are also a lot of very funny websites that have been a sort of therapy almost, here are my favs:-

Hyperbole and a half - (I very nearly wet myself reading the story about the bikes, you have to read it!)

Lolcats

Cake Wrecks

Failblog

26 Weeks

2010-10-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

I had another scan yesterday and everything is looking good, baby is still on the lowest centile but is growing just fine. She's turned breech, which I had suspected as she's kicking my bladder all the time lol! For the first time I managed to get through the whole thing without crying or feeling generally terrible! I ended up going really early straight from Uni so sat outside reading for a while, which I think really helped calm me down. The newborn hit squad had seemingly taken the day off which was awesome and it was mostly a clinic full of fairly newly pregnant ladies rather than those about to pop. It was all rather boring and I didn't even get a wobbly lip at any point *joy*

Oh and before I forget! Ahead of the game for once :P

Day 19 - A talent of yours

I like to sing and play guitar pretty badly :D

Day 18

2010-10-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

Day 18 - My wedding/future wedding/past wedding

I got married to the love of my life in February this year..seems like so long ago though lol! We planned a cheap wedding and soon realised that there is no such thing when you have a fairly large family. I was randomly looking at wedding ideas online and came across a company that did a wedding package for Area 51 which I though was hysterical! Then I realised that the International UFO Congress was on just around the corner, which OH has wanted to go to since he was about 15. Then I worked out that it would still actually be cheaper to have a wedding and holiday all in one that it was to get married over here. OH actually took a bit of talking around to the idea, as he was worried about how his family would react, and yeh, they were a bit miffed about it. But they would have been disappointed anyway as there was no way we could even begin to compete with the last family wedding, which was one of those "perfect" but utterly utterly boring weddings that cost more money that an decent deposit on a house.

We planned the whole thing in less than 6 weeks and my mum made me the most perfect dress ever! We had a crazy, fun, amazing time in America and had a proper adventure that we will never forget. The wedding itself was in the Nevada desert at sunset and was more perfect that I could have ever dreamed of :D

From Frustrated Fairy

I adore this photo of OH running towards us, outside the Little Ale'Inn, looking like something out of a movie :D

From Frustrated Fairy

Day 15, 16, 17

2010-10-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

Day 15- What you like about your house?

I don't like an awful lot about my house at the moment, every wall needs repairing, every carpet needs replacing and the whole place looks like a small tornado has just stopped by. We have half a kitchen, which isn't going to go any further as we are all out of money. We also need a new bed (OH managed to crash through the slats of the bed the other night, which is a serious pain but was hysterically funny!) a few new wardrobes as one of ours looks like the leaning tower of pisa and poor DD's only has one door left hanging on lol! It's all a bit overwhelming the amount of money you need to fix anything or replace furniture.

However, I love the fact that this is our house though something which is not to be taken lightly in this day and age! This place has so much potential, I just can't wait to sort it all out and make it what it could be.

Day 16 - A song that makes you cry

This made me cry in the car the other day as the lyrics just remind me of how I feel about my OH, he really is far more awesome than I could ever give him credit for, I am so very lucky to have found him. This is Neverland by Marillion-

When the darkness takes me over
Face down, emptier than zero
Invisible you come to me
..quietly
Stay beside me
Whisper to me "Here I am"
And the loneliness fades

Day 17- An art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting ect) that moves you?

I am a huge fan of the site www.deviantart.com and have found so many amazing works on there that really don't get the credit they deserve.

I love this piece called "Impossible Love"

From Frustrated Fairy

and this one called "delicate things"

From Frustrated Fairy

Day 12, 13, 14

2010-10-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Ok falling behind again...only as I'm trying to learn long goddam divison and simplification of fractions (I honestly though I was ok at that stuff but I really suck!) and have spent all week trying to sort out my student bursary payments as the overdraft is about to hit the limit and then we won't be able to eat, let alone put fuel in the car or pay the childminder....student life bites!! :S

Day 12 - Something You are OCD about.

Hmm, not really the obsessive type, unless you count obsessively disliking things...like people who play mobile phone music at the back of the bus, litter throwers, queue jumpers....oh and a new one, people who can't shut up through uni lectures. Makes me totally angry every time! RAWR!

Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss

wait.... didn't we do books already? I've not really read anything that I would say was meaningful in a long time, I've expressly avoided reading anything deep or emotional, it's all science or trash.

A book that changed my perspective of the world quite a bit and means quite a lot to me, I was given this by a friend when I was 16, is Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. A very odd little masterpiece about a family who have bred their own freak show. Deliciously dark, riveting story and there is so much commentary on psychology, human nature and other freaky stuff. I forgot about this book which should have been my favourite book of ALL time for day 4!

"It is, I suppose, the common grief of children at having to protect their parents from reality. It is bitter for the young to see what awful innocence adults grow into, that terrible vulnerability that must be sheltered from the rodent mire of childhood.
Can we blame the child for resenting the fantasy of largeness? Big, soft arms and deep voices in the dark saying, "Tell Papa, tell Mama, and we'll make it right." The child, screaming for refuge, senses how feeble a shelter the twig hut of grown-up awareness is. They claim strength, these parents, and complete sanctuary. The weeping earth itself knows how desperate is the child's need for exactly that sanctuary. How deep and sticky is the darkness of childhood, how rigid the blades of infant evil, which is unadulterated, unrestrained by the convenient cushions of age and its civilizing anesthesia.
Grownups can deal with scraped knees, dropped ice-cream cones, and lost dollies, but if they suspected the real reasons we cry they would fling us out of their arms in horrified revulsion. Yet we are small and as terrified as we are terrifying in our ferocious appetites.
We need that warm adult stupidity. Even knowing the illusion, we cry and hide in their laps, speaking only of defiled lollipops or lost bears, and getting lollipop or a toy bear'd worth of comfort. We make do with it rather than face alone the cavernous reaches of our skull for which there is no remedy, no safety, no comfort at all. We survive until, by sheer stamina, we escape into the dim innocence of our own adulthood and its forgetfulness."

Day 14- A Non-fiction book that has been meaningful to you since your loss

I have read lots of medical journals, midwifery texts and book trying to glean some kind of understanding as to what happened and why, with Isabella and the other miscarriages. But there have been no answers only more questions. I wish I could have a definite diagnosis or at least a suspicion about what could have happened. I am trying not to get too distracted by all the books on stillbirth and miscarriage in the uni library as I have enough to deal with reading what I'm supposed to be reading. Not come across anything amazing enough to be meaningful though.

Day 11

2010-10-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

Day 11- A picture of you now and how it makes you feel.

Yeh, so I'm still crazy.... although I am now an old cynical moaning grump I do still have a sense of humour. I CAN still have fun and don't mind making a total idiot of myself now and again :D

Day 10

2010-10-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now

This is me in 1997 when I was 18. OMG this photo makes me feel so old lol!!! So much crazy stuff has happened since then, it's certainly not been boring. I would have never ever guessed just how things were going to turn out. My glasses are so huge and my hair had this terrible perm. I had really wonky teeth back then and I never ever opened my mouth to smile in photos. I can't believe that little baby is this huge teenager who is bigger than me now, he was soooooo cute back then :D

Day 8

2010-10-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

Day 8 A photo that makes you angry/sad?

This was tough one, I have so many sad photos and looking at some of the other pictures people have posted for this day really made me have a good cry.

This photo is of me pregnant with Bella at a summer festival, totally chilled out hippy mamma.....when my biggest baby related worry was which birth pool would be most practical for a homebirth and which brand of cloth nappy to choose. I don't even recognise myself and I wish I could just rewind time and start again from that point. Funny how you don't just lose a baby you lose so much of yourself as well..

Day 7

2010-10-08T04:09:00.000-07:00

Day 7 -A photo that makes you happy-

Me and OH being utterly stupid and taking silly photos in a very sensible conference :D

Day 6

2010-10-08T02:27:00.000-07:00

Day 6 - 20 things that calm you? This is kinda hard...I'm not the calm type really, I can't think of 20 lol! But here are some things I do that I think are pretty calming

Cuddles!

Visiting a museum or art gallery

Being cuddled up and warm in the house on a rainy day

lying on grass on a sunny day
reading a good book

mmm cheesecake
getting a foot rub
www.Icanhazcheeseburger.com
contact juggling
tea!!

candlelit baths

Chillout music

Day 5

2010-10-08T02:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm well behind with this now, never mind!

I spent ages thinking thinking about this but I know a zillion quotes and couldn't choose one so I've gone for a song lyrics

"I can't change the world, cos trying to make a difference makes it worse,

it's just an observation I can't ignore, that people should smile more."

-Newton Faulkner

30 posts in (sorta) 30 days

2010-10-05T13:41:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I'm a little late joining in with this but hey :) For details see Angie's post here

1) Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why

Hmm this one is hard as I have eclectic tastes in music and would really like one song for each genre..and then one for each mood that I'm.....but then I'd be here all day. I was a professional singer and bass guitarist in a band for many years and music has always been a huge part of my life. I've always used music like therapy, either to chill out or to go full on rage crazy to. I can think of so many beautiful, pretty songs, but this one is one that I have sang to myself while crying and hurting so bad I didn't know what to do with myself. It's angry and frustrated and yet positive and supportive all the same time, I have needed someone telling me to hold on and be strong! -Hold On by Korn

With aversion, this insertion
came so swiftly
Cut the cord, from this day forward
We'll be drifting

No direction, no affection
Watch the soul dive
You're dissected, resurrected
Still don't know why
This illness is like a monster that is
eating us alive

Hold on, be strong
So right, so wrong
With all of our senses
All of our defenses
Hold on, be strong

New arrival, our survival
still not certain
What's a virtue, where do you go to
when you're hurting?

2) Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

Pan's Labyrinth - I have sooo many favourite films but this film broke my heart and filled me with wonder at the same time, it left a real impact after I saw it. It's full of magic, beauty and fantasy and the dark gritty horror of the world all bundled up into one. It's utterly utterly beautiful too. It's in Spanish though and it's such a shame that so many people have missed this film, not for the faint of heart though this is very gritty indeed in parts and has a very sad ending. This is my favourite film of all time that I have not have the courage to watch again since Bella died as I'm just too much of a big sensitive wuss.

3) Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

We've watched a few series' of 6 Feet Under which is sort of morbid but I've related to that general theme of death and loss and life still going on.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

I used to read a lot, but this last year I've hardly read anything at all although I'm currently reading Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Our house is filled with far too many book stuffed on far to few shelves and it's on my list of thing I really really need to sort out. I'm going to say my fav book, and yes this is all girly and probably a bit sad for a woman of my age but I have to say the Twilight Saga, just for pure escapism :P

24 Weeks

2010-10-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

So I was feeling all positive and confident for 5 mins, I was like YEH we ARE going to have a baby in this house soon, of course we are! *does funky dance*. I even went crazy and bought baby stuff on Ebay, a set of 12 little lamb cotton nappies, a bundle of newborn clothes and a carry cot for our Quinny pram all at a bargain price. Of course I should have known that pride comes before a fall *sigh* I marched into the hospital for my scan with faith this afternoon, straight past the inevitable newborn hit squad, (I'm half sure they lie in wait and discharge all the newborns when they see me coming) I sat bored in the waiting room without crying, for the first time ever, even though I was waiting forever for my turn to go in.

Everything is fine and I don't need to panic just yet but the baby is measuring very small, in the lowest possible normal range, so I need to go back in two weeks to see that she is growing ok, they told me not to worry. Two weeks ago she was big for her age so of course I am now worrying, and really really wishing I had not gotten overconfident and ordered all the baby stuff. I *know* that purchasing baby items does not curse babies to instant death but my timing really sucks :(

23 Weeks

2010-09-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

I think I am beginning to lose the plot! My anxiety levels are through the roof this week, as this is the fateful week that we lost Isabella. Today I was back to the hospital and I had a total freak out on the way there as I was convinced I couldn't feel her moving and that my belly was smaller somehow. I sobbed all the way to the hospital on the bus, then had to go into the toilets in the hospital waiting room as I'd got myself in a right state convinced I was going to have to ring everyone with bad news. I pulled myself together a bit and went in to see the consultant, I explained everything I was worried about and she smiled and got the doppler out to check everything was ok, which thankfully it was. Everything was fine and she had a look at my scan results from last week and says she is really pleased with everything and that the baby is actually measuring a bit ahead, weighing approx 1lb 3oz already :D I felt all sheepish and silly for having such a panic on over nothing and of course this afternoon baby was moving about like crazy again...relief!

I also had my first lesson this morning on injection techniques...which I was late for as I lost my car keys and had to catch a train and then a bus to get to uni. I've still not found my stupid keys either...this is the second time I've properly lost them in two weeks! ARGH! In good news though my kitchen worktops and sink were fitted today which means the end of a stressful few days trying to manage with no kitchen at all. All the kitchen stuff was piled up in the living room and it was impossible to find anything and making a cup of tea was a major mission. The very nice plumber man redid all the sink pipework for free as my father in law managed to fall flat on his face and bent all the brand new plumbing on the way down.

I am feeling ten zillion times better about everything this evening and I'm having a nice time helping DD with her first ever cross stitch kit....and I can even get a cup of tea from my kitchen *bliss*

One Of Those Weeks

2010-09-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

So Monday was Isabella's "birthday", my first day of uni and involved a trip back to the unit where she was born. I didn't really have much time to dwell on it as I spent all day in a mad panic trying to work out how to get from uni to the hospital on time. Then I got there and realised that I'd forgotten my notes and the hospital didn't have my notes either as they were in the other hospital where I had my scan last week. So had to get my father in law to bring them which took an hour. While I was sitting by the reception desk I kept seeing tiny new babies being taken home in their car seats which was just utterly painful. When I finally got my notes and started waiting in the clinic it turned out that my consultant was on holiday, and the replacement consultant had been taken to a crash c-section so I may as well not have bothered. They did a quick antenatal blood pressure/urine test and that was it. Little one is moving lots and keeping me reassured thankfully.

The rest of the week has been manic trying to work out the best way to get to uni on time, as the trains kept getting delayed, traffic is horrendous, no parking, no idea which buses I need to get on ect. Trying to find the right rooms to be in when the place is vast and all looks the same. The usual nightmare stuff when you are trying a whole new routine in a new place with new people.

We also found out that our friend that died last week committed suicide, which is just all kinds of sad. He was living with and looking after his gran for the last few years, they were really close and she passed away about a month back. He got married a few years back and his wife cheated on him within two weeks of the wedding. Maybe it just all got too much? It's so sad as he was a genuinely funny and nice guy and no one knew there was anything really wrong. His best friend talked to him on the phone the night before and there didn't seem to be anything wrong, they had just bought tickets for the football season together...I just don't get it.

Anyway, this week has royally sucked and I'm hoping that things will pick up next week...things can hopefully only get better.

Well That Was Not So Bad

2010-09-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Scan went well and everything looks ok. Big relief! I was getting the wobbly lip as soon as I got there but Dave played mobile phone battleships with me and distracted me beautifully! We were in first so there was not the usual waiting room full and we only had to wait 10 mins.There was actually more than one room there and my luck was in, it wasn't the same room I went in last time, hooray! The sonographer has acutally read the notes and was really really lovely to us. She checked the heartbeat first for me and really took her time and was really wonderful. Baby was of course in an funny position so I had to have a bit of a walk to get her to move into a better position...yeh..looks like it's another little girl :) I couldn't have asked for better, it was totally not as bad as I was expecting.

So it was a really great day and I was on a high, until we got a phone call this evening saying one of hubby's friends has died this morning, we don't know what's happened yet, but it really sucks, the guy was only like 32. It's shocking just how fragile life is hey...

Scan Tomorrow

2010-09-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Man am I feeling anxious. Baby has been kicking like crazy all day today so I'm pretty confident it will at least be alive for the scan, which is something. I'd like to think it would be reassuring but I know full well that everything peachy at a scan does not mean your baby will not randomly die 3 weeks later. I don't suppose it helps that it's in the one place I really rather it wasn't. I've got scans booked there every few weeks now so I'd better get used to it.

I've finally found and booked a plasterer, who costs £170 more than the other one whose phone number we lost! Gah! I still have to wait another two weeks before we will have a functioning cooker though :(

I made a really nice stir fry tonight using the camping stove which hubby was meant to eat two hours ago...all this time he has been on his mobile phone talking to a woman who thinks she has been abducted by aliens *sigh* two hours...that better be her mobile phone bill else I am going hit the roof! These people should really be ringing metal health services or something... (did I ever mention my hubby runs a UFO group lol!)

Doing some singing :D

2010-09-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

I've going to meet up with a musician I knew from way back in Swansea this weekend to play some songs, I'm so excited! I've been practicing some stuff. I forgot how much I love some bands I used to listen to all the time. This song by Nightwish blew me away.....and made me cry my eyes out when I read the lyrics.

Running for her life
The dark rain from her eyes still falls
Breathtaking butterfly
Chose a dark day to leave

Save one breath for me

A Loner longing for
The cadence of her last breath

Why do I miss someone I never met?
With bated breath I lay
Sea winds brought her to me
A butterfly, mere one-day
Miracle of life
And all the poetry in the world
Finally makes sense to me

Save one death for me

A Loner longing for
Run away, run away, run away, run away
The cadence of her last breath
Run away, run away, run away, run away

Put to rest, all that's not life
Drink for beauty
And fill my blank page

Sometimes a dream turns into a dream

A Loner longing for
Run away, run away, run away, run away
The cadence of her last breath
A Loner longing for
Run away, run away, run away, run away
The cadence of her last breath
Run away, run away, run away, run away

Amecon Performance

2010-08-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is a vid of me performing at Amecon, the first bit is the Saturday catwalk cosplay (masquerade) and the second bit is the Sunday performance thing (Omake) omg I look so funny :D

Holiday Music

2010-08-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a chalet in West Wales chilling out, I'm listening to some old music on my old laptop which my son brought with him(I didn't believe they would have internet here lol!). It's taking me back to the time I was pregnant with my first little girl, when I was still playing in a band. I did my last gig about a week before she was born with my bass guitar balanced on top of my huge belly. It's crazy to think back to how easy I found being pregnant back then, now I struggle with removing myself from the sofa and I'm only 18 weeks. I also remember doing this gig with a guy who never wore shoes on stage, he was one of those people who just ooze coolness and I remember feeling like a right idiot next to him. He was telling us about this song he wrote which was about this time he saw a clown performing with an old overcoat, making the coat look like a real person, it looked just like he was holding hands with it, dancing with it, falling in love and being rejected by it in the end and it was really sad and poignant. I loved the story of the song and I we swapped CD's and I put it on my laptop but I've not heard it for years. It's funny how I hear new meanings in song lyrics after everything that has happened in the last few years. I googled him and it looks like he's doing really really well, doing a tour thing with Orange and his songs were used on Grey's Anatomy. Pretty cool, but I'm still always slightly jealous of people we used to do gigs with who have done really well lol! Man, last month I found out my old band just supported Jace Everette (who does the awesome song at the beginning of True Blood) and I was just gutted I was not there for it! I'm going to jam with a guy from a band we used to know in Swansea soon, with a view to doing some open mic nights or something. I've got itchy feet to get back on the stage lol!

(Extract of)Jont Whittington- When The Time Comes

When the time comes you'll be screaming in your sleep,

when the times comes you'll be driven in too deep,

when the time comes for you to make your stand,

I tell you this,

I hope you're holding real hand

I hope your holding a real hand

Do you understand the rules of the game,

you're undertaking,

you can win you can lose,

but there's no forgetting,

when the time comes

I Would Be Motivated But

2010-08-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

My house is currently in a state of utter destruction right now, as we are getting the electrics in the kitchen done. They are only half finished as I have to get a plasterer to finish plastering before I can get the sockets actually switched on...this is something I hadn't got to grips with and I can't find a plasterer who can come before October :S I do have another guy coming tomorrow for a quote so hopefully he can do it a bit sooner. The electrician also helpfully informed me after doing all the testing that in fact the whole house really needs rewiring, great! EVERYTHING is covered in a fine layer of dust and all the kitchen and hallway stuff is piled high in the living room. I really should be like getting up off my butt and cleaning things like a normal adult would do, but I have a cold and I'm burrowed under the mess in a little den on the sofa with a pile of tissues and can't quite motivate myself to do anything. I'm getting distracted by silly videos especially, I'm like...hmmm really should actually get some work done today ...OMG THIS VIDEO *JOY*

We saw this vid at Amecon and it's so random, seriously WTF lol!! Ahh I love it! We are all singing SMOKEY JET! at every available opportunity :D

Back To The Real World

2010-08-18T03:36:00.000-07:00

After an awesome weekend of not worrying about baby stuff, stage fright is a very effective method of making sure you do not have time to worry about anything else, I am back to my usual worrying self. Mostly I am seriously not looking forward to my next scan, mostly as it's going to be in THE "scan room of death" from last September. I'm imagining me freaking out and crying ect, which is what I do every time I go to the hospital anyway so I suppose they are used to me by now. But I could pay for the private version instead and miss out the wonderful joys of the room of terror. Trouble is I'm broke and can't really justify it..but then again maybe this is one of those things that credit cards were invented for. I dunno?

I've bought myself a ready packed hospital bag from Ebay, as I'm paranoid that I'm going to need it soon. I felt bad as the seller usually has it with all the new baby stuff in it too and I asked her to take it all out, which made her all upset, and then I felt like a fraud as everything is actually ok at the moment. Anyway it is a very smexy black and white polkadot bag with red trim with everything I'll need, and it's worked out cheaper than buying everything individually (link here). So if I'm going down..I'll at least be going down in style!

It's funny how even thinking about buying things is such a big deal this time. Everything is like, hmmm would this actually be useful in the event of a dead baby. I have all the premature baby clothing websites ready to roll in my bookmarks as if anything happens this time I really want some actual baby clothes instead of just a pouch or the acrylic hand knit stuff that looks like a toilet roll holder (not that I didn't appreciate those from the hospital last time, just not what I would have chosen) anyway. I have been actually attempting to learn to knit and I have made some little booties and some mittens, but they are newborn size and are currently on DD's dolls as I did not want them to be one of those "made for the baby" things that I'll be all upset about. I may try and knit some mini mini size stuff just in case, which I can always donate to the hospital in the event of everything going ok. If anyone knows any nice modern, easy (like easy enough for idiot knittings noobs) knitting patterns in prem baby size going free on the net somewhere send me the links :D

AMECON!

2010-08-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Amecon was awesome!! :D I was nearly hugged to death in my Toroto costume, I spent the whole of Saturday wearing it and it wasn't quite as bad as I imagined it would be except it took ten times as long to go anywhere as I kept get asked for photos..hehe :D I felt all famous and then felt gutted on the Sunday as no one knew it was me that was Totoro! On the Sunday I took part in the Omake which is basically a bunch of random stage performances. I decided to do a cool song from an anime called Excel Sage..which has nothing to do with Totoro at all, but I couldn't afford another costume and I was all "omg I look so fat" so I just wore my Totoro costume on stage. The cunning plan was to use my friends mobile phone with the lyrics on, as Japanese is a bitch to learn, even learning to sing it with the words in front of me took a whole week lol! Last year my cunning plan of having the lyrics on paper stuck inside my mask was foiled as once the stage lights were on it is totally pitch black inside the mask so that was an epic fail! This year I would not get caught out, oh no...the phone trick was going to work for sure. I was paranoid and kept checking it was working through the whole time we were waiting to go on stage, I must have unlocked that phone like 50 times. Of course THE second I am about to walk up on stage the phone locks in an extra special way the suddenly cannot be unlocked. I seriously do not know the lyrics well enough to sing it without them. So naturally I have a total freak out, I'm like HELLLLP who knows how to unlock a blackberry OMG OMG OMG OMG!! ARGHHH!!

Luckily they put the next person up on stage and by a miracle I find the stupid extra button, carefully hidden on top of the phone that unlocks it. I was a nervous wreck by then and shaking like a leaf, luckily I was happily covered up under the costume and didn't mess up the song half as bad as I though I would. But still, lesson learned....never. ever. go. on. stage. if you dont know the dammed lyrics!!! I nearly had a heart attack :S

I also partied hard at the disco on the Friday night, which is impressive as I am strictly in bed by 9pm at home lol! We had all our bags piled up in the middle of our dancing circle we had going on (they give you these cool free cotton bags at the con) My OH decides that he is the Conga King and jumps in. On the second pass around, with everyone is carefully avoiding our bags, but no, the Conga King does not have the time nor the sense to avoid the bags, he goes through the middle dammit! Of course the whole rest of the line follows the Conga King straight through the bags too! There are people falling and tripping everywhere and our bags are totally obliterated. Facepalm!

Getting Creative!

2010-08-13T00:51:00.001-07:00

With one day to spare I finally got Totoro finished! I'm actually pretty pleased with how he turned out as two days ago he looked more like that scary bunny out of Donnie Darko lol! I also had a panic on as there is a ball on the last evening and of course nothing I own for this sort of thing will fit around my already enormous belly so I rustled up a 3 tier ruffled black and white bustle, which ties around, and appliqued it with red hearts. I can still fit into the petticoat from the wedding so I'll just add this and will hopefully look all Tim Burton awesomeness or at the very least I'll look as if I've made the effort. I also made a skirt and bustle for my friend too so at least I won't look like an idiot on my own. Although I was really jealous of how it looked with her corset on lol! I tried to make a cool pair of steampunk style spats too but I made them to fit over the boots then forgot that I would actually have to be able to put my feet in the boots as well. I know they are usually button fastening but I thought I'd be clever and miss out that whole step so...back to the drawing board for me! We've got to leave this evening about 6 and I've not even started packing yet, eek! Best get to it!

Weird Dreams and Why I Shouldn't Iron

2010-08-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that I had the baby last night and it was the size of my palm and looked sorta like a little green lizard baby. It would go blue and stop breathing every time it went to sleep so I was trying to figure out how on earth I was going to manage a baby the would never sleep and I thought that if I went to sleep it would die as I couldn't find anyone to help me. I kept it tucked down my top in a blanket to keep it warm and was fretting about how on earth I was going to breastfeed such a tiny baby. Very strange indeed.

I had good housewifey intentions for today. As a rule I very rarely do ironing, only my hubby's work shirts get ironed as he does them himself. But I figured it would be a nice thing to have pristine clothes for once so dragged the ironing board out set the iron to go. The iron looked a bit dusty so I got a cloth to clean in and stuck my fingers right on the plate ...OMG OWWWWWWWWWW! My fingertips actually went crispy brown as I managed to burn them so bad. I knew there was a good reason for me not ironing....I'm too much of an idiot!!

A lucky Break

2010-08-05T02:58:00.001-07:00

Everything is going pretty well pregnancy wise...I still feel pretty good, although I am honestly wishing I could just fit a catheter over night, I seriously got up about 15 times last night lol! Went for a glucose tolerance test on Monday and all was clear which is cool. But we have been having some serious cash flow issues, OH started a new job, and is moving from weekly pay to monthly and then there was a two week delay in starting,. Which means no cash coming in for 7 weeks, no pay until September and we have no savings to pay the mortgage, bills, food, petrol, school uniforms...zip. I was seriously starting to panic about how we were going to eat as the bills were going to take our overdraft to the limit. Plus my washing machine AND tumble dryer have just broken, GAH! I checked the bank this morning expecting to see the worst and lo and behold it was still in credit!! Amazingly tax credits had randomly given us a load of money they owed us, just enough to pay the bills and to afford grub for the rest of the month HELL YEHHHHHHH!!! I cannot believe our luck!! *happy happy happy joy joy joy*

14 Weeks

2010-07-25T05:13:00.000-07:00

After the fuss at the hospital we decided to bite the bullet and pay for a private NT scan, luckily we have a local private maternity clinic. It was £170 but worth every penny, the scan took about 20 mins and we got a DVD of the whole thing. It was mostly to check for downs syndrome but they checked lots of other things too and luckily everything looked good, our risk for downs was the lowest they could give us. Nice to have some good news for a change! It's so different going to a private clinic, it was all fresh lilies and lovely staff, it was actually quite relaxing. Although we did have a good laugh at our old banger of a car with all the alien bumper stickers on, in the car park with all the posh cars. We watched another couple stop and actually read all our our stickers then shake their heads in horror lol!

My youngest has gone to stay with her dad and her grandparents for the summer, she's off to Butlins for a week then to Spain for a week and is going to be thoroughly spoiled. It's only been a day and miss her loads already *sob* I know I'm supposed to enjoy the peace and quiet but it's just too quiet without her. She brought home some of her work from the last year in a huge folder and I was having a browse through it all. Once of her first pieces of work in RE from the start of last year read. "The bible is all about God and Cheesus"....I totally cracked up for about half an hour, Cheesus, brilliant lol!!

*UPDATE*

Cheesus exists!

12 Weeks

2010-07-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

*sigh* I hate being pregnant.....

and I especially hate hospital appointments. I was sent a letter saying I had an appointment with a consultant, which of course was no such thing. The letter said 11am...which of course actually means 1.30 in the magic world of hospital time *grumble* which of course means I've not then brought enough money for the car park 4 flippin quid *double grumble* (maybe it's a scam to get more parking money out of everyone) Of course they also managed to book all my appointments at the wrong hospital under the wrong consultant...even though it says in big letters on the front of my notes who my consultant is and they can't change them now WHY?!?! FFS! Also of course I couldn't have.my 12 week scan because I've already had a scan. I wasn't sure wether this was a good thing or not, on the one hand I've no idea how teeny fetus is doing but on the other hand I didn't have to go back in Bella's "scan room of death". Either way I had a proper cry in the waiting room until they sent me into the "naughty corner" spare room as I was causing a scene. I hate waiting rooms packed with pregnant women at the best of times and of course lots of babies the age Bella would have been...meh! I've got a horrible headache from all the crying now as well and a bag full of snot covered tissues....man I hate hate hate hospitals. I really hope I don't hate working in one as much as I despise being a patient :P

Busy Busy

2010-07-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

I was shopping today in Sainsburys and a lady walked passed with the most adorable newborn in her trolley. I looked over and smiled and walked on but suddenly it really hit me how much I really really do want this baby. I've not let myself think about it up until now, I have tried to be as cold and indifferent as much as is humanly possible. I walked around trying not to burst into tears until a shop assistant stopped and asked if I was ok.....and I snapped out of it....he then tried to chat me up which did cheer me up lol!

I've been really busy lately and have finally started work on my Totoro costume for Amecon. It's coming together although I've needed to buy another 4 metres of fake fur as he is turning out to be huuuuugeeee. I can fit through a door with the costume on so it is going to be a fun getting around on the day. I've also started making some plans for my ballgown. It's a bit of nightmare as I have no budget at all for the dress and I will be 18 weeks pregnant by that time so I need to make something that is going to flatter yet still be awesomely cool in a Tim Burton/Emillie Autumn kind of way. So far I have a sort of high waisted dolly type dress in mind with a huge petticoat in black and white stripe fabric, red and gold....squeeeee it's exciting!

Talking of exciting... I've been fretting about Jeanette all day too, today is hopefully the day for her as she's due to be induced today. I just really truly madly deeply hope everything goes smoothly and gently for her and that the little one is happy and healthy. Fingers double mega super crossed xxxxxxxx

A Lovely Day :D

2010-07-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was wonderful. I felt pretty good and some money came my way that I was not expecting. I'd been meaning to go visit Capeling and Co. (run by the lovely people from After Iris) which is a little deli in Kings Heath for ages and it was on my way back from where I had to go in the morning. It was FAB! They had the most lovely lovely food and the guy in the shop was just wonderful and told me all about the cheese and where it came from and advice on what was best for a preggers lady, this was much appreciated as although I would love to be a "foodie" I have no clue about cheese..we always just get medium cheddar every week...booring! I ended up buying biscuits, olive oil, garlic stuffed olives , vanilla pods, delicious cheese and THE most delicious balsamic vinegar pickled onions I have ever tasted...YUMMEHH!! I think I have discovered what will be my pregnancy craving lol! Happy Happy Happy :D

Then I spotted a shop a few doors down with beautiful home stuff and flowers, and I picked up a lovely bottle of bath stuff and a lovely vintage jar for my dressing table (which ok I don't have yet but I can dream lol!). Again lovely chatty shop assistant who advised about the bath stuff, I had to swap the one I chose as it has essential oils that were not good for pregnancy. I got in the car to go but then spotted a lovely cafe, The Kitchen Garden Cafe so I had to re park the car and go see. They had a lovely shop with recycled gifts and plants as well as the cafe. Had a yummy deli platter lunch and picked OH a bottle of hemp beer from the gift shop. Back to the car, drove another road away and spotted another fab shop, so again re parked the car and went to have a look. I bought a cream and black polka dot stretchy jersey dress, which was hand made in the store for just £48. It's a really flattering cut and I think the stretchy fabric will allow for alot more tummy and again a lovely shop assistant who told me all about the clothes and was really helpful. Then I found a little organic foods shop and picked up a bottle of Dr Bronners Soap with rose essential oils...I love this stuff but it's like gold dust to find! Again another lovely shop assistant ...just wow! It was so cool visiting independent shops with people who know their stuff about what they are selling, it's a shame that little shops like this are not more common. I usually despise shopping so it was nice to find such great places, I'm going to shop in Kings Heath more often, it was a proper lovely day :D

I Am Not So Smart

2010-06-27T04:16:00.001-07:00

I stumbled across this amazing blog, that pretty much has just changed my whole view of ...well everything. www.youarenotsosmart.com and now....and well, I don't feel so smart anymore lol!

The latest post is about conformation bias - this is explains a whole lot of stuff for me, it the reason why after your baby dies it seems that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD has a healthy baby, why suddenly newborns seem to pop up alarmingly almost deliberately to piss you off. (I've heard this phenomenon described as the "newborn hit squad" once which is bang on) Why suddenly you see references in so many films, songs and in the media about dead babies. Why everyone suddenly seems to be pregnant or has just had a baby, why wherever you go it feels like the whole world is just plain out to rub your face in it. I suppose it's also one of the many reasons why losing a baby is so hard to "get over"..it's like your mind has a view of how the world works from your own point of view. You get pregnant, you get given all the happy little booklets, you go to all the stores, you read all the websites, all telling you that you are most very likely to have a healthy baby. You have scans, all telling you you have a healthy baby. You feel all the kicks, of course you have a healthy happy baby. You read all the home birth stories and Ina May. News stories about the wonders of medical science and of course you are safe in a hospital that will take good care of you. Then all of sudden blam..... Of course all along there were mentions that things might not go to plan, you've heard of SANDS before, there always were the stories about things going wrong...but my conformation biased brain just filtered all that out, all I could see was blue skies up ahead. This time of course it's the other way around, all I see is dead baby stuff .....and I won't be in the slightest bit surprised in this baby dies. Funny how things work out. Of course all this wonderful knowledge is not in the least bit helpful but I suppose I feel better knowing just why things are the way they are in my head.

One Day

2010-06-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

I feel utterly exhausted and a bit sick.....in other words 100% normal pregnancy symptoms UTTER BLISS!! I am so so so so so happy today, my headache which has gone on for the last 4 weeks straight is GONE! As has the spinning, shaking and feeling generally dreadful.....it is wonderfully delicious to be alive today and I am appreciating every joyful moment of it :DD

So how did this amazing thing happen? Well, I wrote down a diary of how I have been feeling and I noticed that I was feeling a bit better a little while after I ate food. I also figured that how I was feeling was closest to having a really nasty hangover so I looked up what caused that feeling and went from there. So me and Dr Google got serious and I tried to find something that would explain why I would be feeling the same thing. Only thing I came up with was Hypoglycemia, low blood sugar, symptoms of which are exactly what I have been feeling like and I found reference to it being caused specifically by pregnancy as opposed to being caused Diabetes. I was like...you are effing kidding me right? Something so basic.. surely they like..checked for this? Most of the bzillion blood tests I had were after I was pregnant ...when I felt fine. I marched down to the GP on Monday and got me a blood test just to check but I've not got the results back as yet. As an experiment though I found out all the info I could online about keeping blood sugar stable and I have cut out all sugar and white flour stuff totally and I'm eating mini meals every 3 hours. I felt better on the first day and have felt better every day since. Maybe it's just a coincidence....I'm not sure..but I also don't care...I feel better :D I went to the Chiropractors this morning as well for my monthly session and voila the headache from hell was gone too, I'm gonna go next week as well as I felt so much better after. bliss bliss bliss :D

Zombie Frustrated Fairy Vs The World...LETS PLAY!!

2010-06-09T08:06:00.001-07:00

So I went to the consultant again today, had a scan, everything looks perfect! After all the cramping and spotting I've had in the last few days I'd convinced myself it was all going to be over anyways. Alas I still feel like total and utter shite, I resemble very closely something out of the film the living dead...it's that exact same walk that I'm doing around the place, which is frankly more than a bit embarrassing.

I had a bit of a freak out then and confessed that I'd been wondering if going ahead with this was the best thing for my health bla bla. My consultant was wonderful and gave me some short shrift straight talking which was exactly what I needed! She pretty much said I need to suck it up, get on with it, but make this the very last attempt and that whatever happens I need to get sterilised after this last try. I don't know why but I felt so much better after that, I'm like ok world this is it.... this is the stand off.... this is where I draw my line in the sand and fight and if I get shot down that is the way it is......BRING IT ON BITCH!!!!

A Little Less Miserable

2010-06-05T04:00:00.000-07:00

I don't feel any better today, but I feel alot less miserable, hooray! I went to the GP and spoke to her and she was really nice then I spoke to some other people at the clinic and they were really really nice too. I don't know why feeling a little acknowledged helps but it does. Friends have sent some nice messages too and OH is being so sweet that at least I feel very loved :D I've given up on trying to be a hero and have taken some paracetemol so things are a little more bearable without a massive headache the entire time.

I also found this refreshing Facebook group, International Dead Baby Carnival Of Suck, which is both possibly the most awesome name for a group and pretty much sums it all up for me. I do have a dark and bitter sense of humor these days and this made my day lol!

I also have too much time on my hands so I'm sharing some of todays fav videos that made me feel good:-

I love this advert-the colours are so pretty :D

This is just made of WIN...the little lego men moving on top really tickled me!

I don't know why but this guys proposal made me cry my eyes out lol! It's so lovely lol!

Not Doing So Good

2010-06-04T02:00:00.001-07:00

Things are not going so well, it's getting worse :( I can't walk properly, I can't drive, I cant cook, I can't get up the stairs, I can barely concentrate to even use the laptop or watch TV. My head is throbbing, all my muscles aching, my head is swimming and I have flashing lights and vertigo the whole time now. I've not been off the sofa for a full week now. Luckily the kids are away for half term so I don't have anyone else to worry about. I'm not coping with this at all, I feel totally trapped in my own body.

OH asked the big question last night, "is this really worth it, maybe we shouldn't do this" which led to me crying for about 3 hours. I can't bear the thought of deliberately getting rid of a baby that we so so badly want. I also can't bear the thought of being so disabled for months and months and then not having a live baby either, just last last time. We came to the conclusion that we should wait until we go back and see the professor next Wednesday and see if there is anything we can do medication wise to make me feel a bit better. Then take it from there. I'm so angry that I wasn't more careful, I knew that this could happen and that I would get so ill again. All the options I have are bad ones and I don't know what to do.

LOL!

2010-06-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

Hehe my humor is so childish :P I have just discovered the joys of http://hackedirl.com awesome! lol! Her are some of my favs...

Boooooored With Being Ill :(

2010-06-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well the first few days of the pills went really well. I felt totally normal pregnant, bit tired and sicky and was delighted. Yesterday I did a spot of painting and was feeling really good, then suddenly the world started swimming again and I has to spend the next few hours in bed. Today I feel as rubbish as ever, and my pregnancy symptoms seem to be lessening. I'm so damn bored of being ill already, the house is a mess, the shop sale is not wrapped up yet and I have so much stuff to flippin do and all I can do is lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself with the world swirling round like I've been on a drinking binge..lovely. I can't even concentrated very long on the laptop either which would normally keep me busy for hours GAH!

I've rediscovered the wonderful folkster Seth Lakeman though who is cheering me through all this. I'm listening on Spotify so I don't even have to dig out my cd's :D

Jagged Little Pills

2010-05-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like some luck has come my way at last :D I started feeling pretty bad as of last weekend and I've spent pretty much all of my days in bed feeling like death warmed up, I'd pretty much resigned myself that this was just a matter of time. This feeling of nasty head cold crossed with about 20 cups of coffee is scarily familiar although I never had it this early before. I had my appointment with the marvelous professor who pondered and said "well we know what happens when we do nothing, so lets try something!" So I'm having a bash at taking some Prednisolone steroids to see if it will calm my immune system down and possibly sort things out. A little bit of research this evening has told me that this I just happen to have to only Dr in the whole country that will prescribe these....omg how lucky am I!!!! This is of course only a possibility as we have no idea why I feel ill or if it will work. I took them this morning and it could be a bit of a placebo effect but I feel better! Not so shaky, still a bit headachy but much less "fuzzy headed" than yesterday. The only trouble will be the side effects which are laughably crazy, the lovely effects include, feeling suicidal, mood changes, seeing/hearing things that are not there as well as about a zillion nasty medical side effects. OH is laughing at me saying I'm going to get "roid rage" and go all Hulk. Watch out RAGHH lol!

The Waiting Game

2010-05-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Man, this is not easy. I feel like I'm a person waiting to miscarry rather than a pregnant woman. Blegh. I feel shitty already, my heart is racing the whole time and I'm shaky and having mild trippy visual effects already so it honestly does not look so good. I just honestly hope that if this one is not going to make it that it happens sooner rather than later.

I have money put aside this time, not for a cot or a pram or handmade cotton nappies but just in case we need to pay for a funeral if I get that far. Dammit if anything happens this time I want this baby to have it's own grave, with a proper headstone and everything, I really regret not having any money to sort this out for Isabella.

In less miserable news. I've just started a new job as a regional sales manager, self employed and hopefully I'll be starting agency work in a nursing home in the next few weeks. Hmm toileting old ladies and morning sickness may not be the best combination though so we will see how that goes lol! :P As I've got a couple of days off I've decided to paint my bedroom at long last, a lovely shade of duck egg blue. It's taking forever and half the plaster has just fallen off one wall but I'm soooooo pleased to get rid of the peach floral horror wallapaer for good ,hooray! :D

Oh.....err well?

2010-05-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Holy Shite! I'm pregnant! How the? What the?

Well I know how *scratches head* but it was waaaay before the danger zone on my goddam cycle chart. Hmmm I sound like a stoopid teenager, "but I didn't know I could get pregnant at like ANY time"

I felt like I needed a nap this afternoon and it struck me that that was odd. I had an couple of pregnancy tests and thought I'd give one a try. I've not even missed a period or anything yet.

So this is bad for the roller derby, dammit I was just getting good! University......I wonder how that is gonna work?

This is the first time I've been pregnant without thinking wow! we're gonna have a baby!! As I know it's actually not very likely that this one will make it for very long, with my jazzy immune system working overdrive, and I won't be able to get on the medication trial now as I've not had the biopsy, gah! However ...I feel totally fine right now, maybe I'll just have some crazy dumb luck and it'll all go smooth. Who knows!

A Meeting With The Professor

2010-05-12T05:19:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment this morning for the recurrent miscarriage clinic this morning. I was expecting it to be not very helpful but it was actually really great! I saw a professor who went through all my notes and picked up on a few things, I told the whole sorry story from beginning to end and the more I talked the bigger her smile got ....which was ...well, odd.. not normally the reaction you get lol! It just so happens that this professor has seen cases identical to mine before and is doing a 10 year research project on a treatment for it. So she was very very keen to get me signed up for the trial. It's looking for an excess of Natural Killer cells in the womb and the treatment is a steroid that reduces them. The only trouble is that I'd only have a 50% chance of actually having treatment as the other 50% have a placebo... so hmmmm. Better than nothing though I suppose and the research would help put other mothers down the line. I'd also have to have a biopsy done before to see if I do have too many killer cells. There would also be extra special monitoring further down the line which would hopefully catch any problems early enough to give them a chance to deliver. She was very positive that there would be a good outcome.

The trouble is that I'm going to be busy training to be a nurse pretty soon. There is pretty generous maternity leave if I do get pregnant when I'm on the course. My problems is if I get really ill again while I'm still pregnant I think I'll end up failing bits of the course and messing the whole thing up...not good. So hmmmmm....Food for thought indeed. I could wait until after the course has finished but I'll be 36 by then...but that's not that old right? Wow, so many different things to consider. Do I even want to try at all? Maybe nature is giving me a hint that it ain't meant to be? Maybe I'll take the biopsy test thingy and take it from there? Gawd I'm not good with these big decisions, I don't ever do sensible :P

Sleepless Nights

2010-05-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

I've had a really lovely weekend, getting stuff done around the house and just generally not going anywhere which was a really nice break. All was going so well, then last night I could not sleep, and I just lay there thinking about stuff, which of course led to thinking about bad stuff. How old Isabella would have been, what she would be doing now, all that jazz. The usually babylost momma stuff. Which led to hours of sobbing and curling up in a ball generally feeling sorry for myself. Woe is me blegh, blegh, blegh :(

I was nearly falling alseep in work today I'm hoping I'm not going to have another sleepless night. I think I triggered it so bad by writing a letter to the hospital, after reading that complaints have to be submitted before 6 months has elapsed..times up but still. I wrote it but wether I get around to actually sending it will be another thing altogether. meh!

Free Tea YEY!

2010-04-29T04:46:00.001-07:00

A friend sent me this link to get some free tea, yummeh! Only in the UK though folks :D

http://www.twinings.co.uk/free-tea/